What a Week!

 

     It's funny how things change. At this time, one week ago, I was about to sit here and type about how I was going to get away from going over the mundane details of my life, and getting back to what I originally was going to do, which is talk about life. However, since it's about life, my life, I think it qualifies. Plus, this week was a real doozy. It may take all of my effort to narrow it down to a humble 1,000 words. To start off with, the show last week went great! It was a little weird though. In order to do this right, I have to start with last Thursday. It was about 8:30, I was driving home from band practice, which went great by the way. Although we did get complaints from a neighbor. Apparently he's an unpleasant person, who really dislikes the guy who runs the studio, and may want to actually beat him up. Tension was definitely tangible! But sometimes that can help the creative process. We may have to find a new place to practice, so that was on everyone's mind, but in general practice was good. Anyway, while I was driving home, all of my dashboard lights went off. I didn't know what was happening. My car kept driving fine, the headlights stayed on, but the radio and all other interior illumination turned off. I couldn't see how fast I was going! Scary stuff. I was afraid my car was going to die, so I pulled over. I was taking back roads, so I was safe. When I slowed down all of the lights, including the radio, came back on. When I started to drive, they all went off again. When I slowed down, they came back on! I was confused. I was close to home, maybe 4 miles, so I just wished and prayed my way home.

     I made it home safely. The next day I went and got a new battery. When I installed it, everything looked like it was working fine. I assumed I had fixed the problem. (grunt, grunt) So then I got my car all loaded up for the show. As soon as we were on the main road, getting up to speed, the lights went out again! Apparently the problem is deeper than the battery. I went home and switched cars. I can't drive at night with no dash lights, hoping I don't get stranded! Luckily we left with plenty of time, so it was just a minor inconvenience. When we got to the show, there was no parking, and no place to stage our gear, so we had to do the quick load between sets. Not fun! The venue was hot, very hot, and they kept running out of beer. Everything we asked for eventually ran out. Not fun! The show didn't start on time, so we ended up playing way later than expected, and it was generally not a whole lot of fun. The other bands were no good. I swore that I wouldn't be playing there anymore. Then we played. The sound guy was some new volunteer, and didn't seem to know what was going on, but we made it work. We actually kicked much *ss, probably one of the better shows we've ever done. As soon as we were done, dripping in sweat, I remember thinking “Okay, I'll play here again.” Wow, that didn't take long! The show was a success, we had fun, and hopefully got a few new fans. Yay! It's just weird sometimes because we are getting older. All of our friends are getting older. Waiting around to play at midnight sucks! I generally wouldn't want to go see a band starting that late. It's hard to ask people to do something I wouldn't even generally want to do. I like playing to a crowd, but some of the rest of it is not as fun as it was.

     The next morning I was signing my wife up for Venmo when we noticed an odd charge on our account. Right away we called, alerted them to the fraud and cancelled my card, since that was the one with the fraud on it. Monday, I took my car to our mechanic. He had no idea what was going on with my car and suggested I take it to the dealership. So I did, and there it still sits. I didn't here anything for 2 days! Who does that!? I eventually got to talk to some one, and it'll hopefully be ready tomorrow. Tomorrow! A week without a car. But, both band practices got cancelled also, so I didn't really need it. Good timing I guess. Tuesday night as my wife and I were watching TV we started talking about our anniversary coming up. We're staying at a hotel downtown, and acting like tourists! That's when my wife said “Maybe the charge was the hotel.” Oh sh*t! I hadn't thought of that. I thought I was just reserving the room, but what if they already charged my card? I looked it up. And sure enough, there was no fraud on my card, it was the booking site! I had to call on Wednesday and tell the bank about our mistake. Luckily they hadn't started the investigation yet, and everything worked out well. Well, except that now I have no card! No card, no car! Some week. Then last night, as I go to charge my phone before bed, it doesn't work. The phone doesn't even seem to recognize that I plugged it in. I'm down to 40%, and I've got some things going on, I have to have a phone! I tried every plug in the house. Nothing. I wished and prayed I made it to today, so I could go get a new phone. I made it! However, when I got to the phone store, they couldn't help me because I'm not listed on the account! Bummer! While I was there, I asked if I could try one of their chargers, to see if that solved the problem. It did! I am happy to report that my phone is charging as I type. Yay! 

Appreciating Distractions

      When I started this, it really wasn't my intention to just go over the mundane happenings of my life. I started this with every intention of it being about the title Thoughts on Life. Although I guess it technically is still about thoughts on life, it's not quite what I imagined. It did start off that way, in the long, long ago. However, at that time, I was doing so much more. I was looking things up regularly, I was constantly trying to write bits for my class, I had an active social life, there were things going on. It seems to me, that with all of that going on, I had a lot more to say. I noticed a lot more, since I was doing a lot more. I was even keeping a little journal to keep track of all the things I wanted to cover. I had pretty much covered that list when I took the big pause 7 years ago. I think there were only 2 things left on the list. I don't remember them both. I do remember one of them, it was something about people being filmed using infrared. I don't know if you watch any of these show where the people are out investigating things. Paranormal experiences, Bigfoot, Ghosts, whatever, it seems like there are a lot of these types of shows. And, it seems like most of them use some type of infrared camera to be able to film at night. I find it interesting that a lot of the times, being filmed in infrared makes the women look better. Is that just me? Or are other people having this same issue. It seems so weird to me that I think they look a lot better in the green hue. When they switch back to regular footage, it's like the lights coming on at the club after last call, all of a sudden it's like “Whoa! That's what you look like!?” There now I consider the old list complete. Yay!

     I lost my train of thought. I went to look up a word, and the internet wasn't working. I had to restart my computer. I really dislike when that happens. It happens often. I think it's 'cause my computer is so old. Sometimes, when I'm trying to listen to music from the Web, it won't make any sound. I can listen to my files, I can use the Web, I just can't listen to it's music. Then I'll restart it, and it'll work just fine. Just like now, restart, and it works just fine. I probably should upgrade. I'm still using Windows 7! I don't even know what number they're up to now. All I do know is that my laptop is lightning compared to this. I've all but stopped coming into the office to use this old dinosaur because everything takes so long. But I like the chair, mostly, I like the keyboard, and I really like having the big screen! So I do use it. About once a week. I built this whole office thinking I'd be in here all the time, pounding on the keys. Getting stuff done! But it takes so much time that things don't go smoothly. I need things to go smoothly. I don't know how creative you are, but as I've mentioned, several times, I don't like my flow to be interrupted. Even right now, I was planning on writing this very eloquent piece on the changing status of my weekly offering, and I had to restart the computer, and totally lost it. But hey, this is real life isn't it? This is a thought about it. This happens to people. We get distracted. And I think for most of us, it's not that fun. There have been times, usually late at night, when I practically drive myself crazy trying to remember what I was just thinking about. I take my thoughts very seriously. Usually.

     On the other hand, sometimes the detour is a win. I can not tell you how many times the distraction actually leads you to a better place. A place you never would have found, had you not been distracted. So I try not to get upset by the detour. Detours happen. And once you've been through it a few times, and train yourself to look for the benefit you could be receiving, it makes all the difference in the world. Appreciate the distraction! Appreciate staying on topic! The more we can appreciate, the more appreciative we are, the more things work out in our favor. It's not always easy. Believe me, it has taken a little bit of time to come to this determination. Thinking this way, and feeling this way, are not always easy to maintain. Sometimes, stuck in traffic, I have a very hard time trying to maintain my level of appreciation. I have to start saying sh*t out loud sometimes, like “I'm thankful I'm not having to walk this far.” Or “Thank goodness I have AC.” Or my favorite “At least I have shade so I'm not getting sunburned.” I know it may sound silly, but it does help. Just thinking of things I'm glad about usually distracts me from the problem I'm having anyway, so it's a win-win. Distractions can be helpful! But I still try not to get distracted. I still like being focused and in my flow state. I still like finishing the thought that I started with. But alas, it looks as though that won't be happening on this day. Oh well. I do feel as though I got some nice morsels out there, so that's good. I finished my old list, so that's good. I have a gig tomorrow, so that's good! And hopefully next week I'll have more interesting things to write about, so that's good too!

Inconvenient Phlegm

      Hooray Thursday! Although, not really for what it usually stands for. Usually on Thursday I'm excited because it's band practice night. Tuesday is the Punk band, and Thursday is my original project. Hence I am usually excited on those 2 days. Those, incidentally, are also the same days I water our plant family, so there is a kind of sereneness that goes along with that. I just stand out with the hose checking on everything, making sure they're all hydrated. It's a little bit of zen before I rock out. Nurturing my plants, nurturing my soul, it's all very harmonious that way. Plus Thursday is the day I have chosen to do this. So Thursdays are a little extra for my soul. Not only that, but it's also prelude to the weekend, so come on! However this Thursday I shall not be rocking out. I've been a little under the weather recently. Monday morning when I woke up I could barely swallow my throat was so sore. I had hoped it was dryness from sleeping with my mouth opened, or something. But then the next morning I woke up around 5 am barely able to breathe. My throat was sore and my nose was clogged, I was awoken by the feeling of something liquid running down my face. Not exactly a great way to start your day. I was trying to be a ninja so I wouldn't wake my wife. I didn't want to be fumbling around for medication in the dark while she was getting her last few hours of sleep. So I just tried to deal with it. After all, it was just for a few more minutes really, she'd have to be getting up soon, so I suffered in silence, waiting for the sun to rise, so I could find myself a remedy, without disturbing anyone.

     Eventually I was able to find something to help. I was still pretty out of it. Monday too. It was weird. I just couldn't get motivated. Usually I'm pretty good about getting up, stretching a little bit, having breakfast, and then right on into my day. But Monday I wasn't feeling it. At that point, I really only had the sore throat, but wasn't sure why I felt so lethargic. Tuesday was the same. But, because I also had the sniffles, and had taken medication, I assumed my lethargy had a reason. It was still weird. I couldn't even think of doing anything 'til lunch. 2 days in a row! I felt like a lazy piece of you know what. But, sometimes the body just needs to be still, I guess. I almost cancelled band practice. But we have a show next week, and I know they get pretty nervous if we don't practice a bunch before a show. I appreciate them wanting to be good on stage, but sometimes I do think they take it a little too far. We practice the day of the show! I'm not so sure it's completely necessary, but it certainly helps their nerves, so I'm in. Plus, I had to cancel practice recently because of my back, and I don't want to be the old guy who has to keep cancelling because of his health. That sounds too fogey. It also sounds too much like some else I know. And, every time he cancels practice because of an ailment, we all wonder how true it is. But in defense of that, he cancels for a lot of reasons that aren't health related also. Right now he doesn't want to practice because his kitchen is being remodeled, and he doesn't want his wife and daughters to be in their home with plastic barriers up all alone. It doesn't really make sense.

     Cancelling practice a lot, for various reasons, valid or not, tends to have people wondering how bad you want to be there. I don't think anyone would really wonder that about me. I'm fairly certain they all trust me, and know that I want to be there. Sh*t, I played a gig barely able to walk! If that's not convincing, I don't know what is. However, illness is a different matter. Especially right now. I don't know what I've got. I know it's not fun! But at this point in our collective history, we probably shouldn't being going places if you're not well. I've felt that way for a long time, but now it seems more substantiated than ever. But, as the afternoon progressed, I started to feel better. I don't know what the Covid symptoms are. And after all, it is just a stuffy nose and a sore throat. So, against my better judgement I went. If people get sick I'll feel terrible. I'm upset by the person who got me sick! I don't know who they are, but I wish they had stayed home the day I encountered them. Anyway, I could barely sing, it was not very fun. Although you couldn't really tell on listen back. So that's good. However, 3 am the next morning, it was worse than it had been. I actually had to sleep with tissues stuffed in my nostrils to keep snot from running down my face. Not fun. It was at that point that I decided to cancel practice for tonight. If I can't sing, and am worried about infecting others, I should probably just stick to myself. So I am. Although today is a lot better, just a sore throat, I'm glad I cancelled. There's no point in putting people at risk for no reason. Now unfortunately I think I'm going to have to cancel dinner plans with my parents for this weekend. I definitely couldn't forgive myself if I got them sick.

My New Experiment

      Man, I almost missed it again. My back issue hasn't really gone away yet. It's getting better little by little everyday, but it's still bothering me. So I wasn't even busy yesterday, I just spaced it. I think part of it was that my wife was working from home yesterday. She had to come home because her office is so infested with ants and termites that they were literally falling through the roof tiles onto her desk. She started wearing a hat to work so they wouldn't fall into her hair! That's effin nasty. She said she could hear them hitting her hat as she worked. Just take a second to imagine that. Okay, now stop! I don't want you to freak yourself out. So after a few days of very creepy conditions, and a few visits from the exterminator, they decided it would be best to work from home until the problem was fixed. That is, except for the things that have to be done at the office. She went to the office yesterday afternoon, so I had plenty of time, I just spaced. It's interesting that people can just work from home now. That is one thing that the pandemic has helped people realize, you don't necessarily need to be at the office all the time. As long as you're responsible and get done what you're supposed to, I don't see why it would matter. I personally still think it's better to talk to people face to face. I still think there's something special, and important, about a team being in the same room, as opposed to the zoom. But, if you have a team of responsible self-starters that you trust, I think leaving them to their own devices is a good thing.

     Most people should know how they work best, and have the discipline to do so in a timely fashion without being overseen. In my opinion the only people missing the office are probably the gossipers that don't do that much work anyway. I don't know if you've had that feeling, but it seems like some people at work are just there for the socialization. They're always going around and talking to everyone, they know all the latest scoop, and it seems like they generally just walk around all day talking to people. I bet it makes them feel like they have this great network. But it has always left me wondering “What is it that you've actually done?” They also seem to be some of the biggest ass kissers I've ever seen, but that seems like a different story for a different day. I suppose there is some advantage to knowing who everyone is, and what everyone has going on, and having everyone thinking you know what's up. But in general, I don't see how you can keep up on all of that and get your work done. I'd rather work than socialize. Although it is slightly funny to me that as I typed the last line, I realized I didn't really get my work done yesterday. Here I am talking about people being responsible, getting work done without being overseen, and this whole thing started off with me not getting sh*t done! Hilarious. That's part of what I enjoy about this process, getting to learn little things about myself along the way. I'm a hypocrite. But I try not to be. That's what I like about it. It doesn't hurt my feelings. I appreciate being aware, and I move on.

     After all, the work is getting done. The week isn't over. Success! Although it's probably only possible because of another event, that happened last night. Oh wait, before I get to that, the show on Friday went great! I was pretty sore, but I don't like to turn down shows, so we did it! Once I got on stage the adrenaline took over or something, I had no problem. I gave all I had. I don't think anyone knew I was having trouble walking. On stage I didn't even think about it. It was cool. A sea of mohawks bobbing their heads, it was awesome. I think we may have gotten 5 new followers out of it, bitchin'! Anyway, back to last night. And, in a way, I think this goes along with our theme. I'm only able to write today because I don't have any tracks to mix. I don't have any tracks to mix because I'm the only one who showed up to practice! Going back to this idea of having a responsible team that you trust, I confirmed practice last week. Now, yesterday I had this feeling that I should perhaps check to make sure that we're all still in on practice. But I had just talked to the guitarist a few days ago, and thought “Nah, if something had changed they would have let me know.” So I did not follow my instinct. When I got to practice, I was the only one there. I tried to call, no answer. I sent a text to the group, no response. But hey, they could be driving, I don't text and drive, and wish others wouldn't either, so that's probably what's going on. Finally, after 5 texts and 50 minutes, the keyboard player responds that I must have missed a text because the guitar player cancelled practice yesterday! I did not get the text! I should have checked!

     What a bummer. And, I can't even get mad because I know this happens some times. It's no one's fault, it just happened. Here's the real kicker, this happened a couple of weeks ago too. Band practice got cancelled, so I was going to be home when I'm usually not. My wife had plans with her mom for dinner, but wasn't sure if she was going to go or not, because I was home. At that time my phone was working. So I'm waiting for the phone call. And I'm waiting for the phone call. I know she's gotta be off work by now. Maybe she had to work late, it happens some times. Finally it was almost dinner time, and I'm not sure what I should do, so I go to call her, and my phone says “searching for service.” Searching for f*cking service! I never moved. Just for scientific sake, I called my phone from our home phone. Straight to voicemail. I'm thinking “What the f*ck!” So I called her from the home phone, and she picked up. Her phone was working, it was just mine that wasn't. She was at her mom's house, she had tried to call 7 times and was worried that I was injured beyond being able to get to the phone. That didn't stop her, but that sounds like a different story for a different day. So again, for scientific purposes, I restarted my phone. That thing started blowing up like I had won the jackpot on a slot machine! I had missed all kinds of sh*t. Now I'm worried about my phone, and periodically check just to make sure it's still working. Someone has told me to restart it every couple of days or so, so I guess that's my next experiment.

Not Being Able to Move

     Well, it's kind of been a lazy, bummer of a week. It kind of sucks 'cause I was just starting to feel pretty good. I have these random ailments that pop up from time to time. I thought I was at the end of the cycle. I started feeling really well, and actually started getting to some of the home repairs I've been meaning to do. I was in good spirits, and excited about things to come. One of the things I was looking forward to was helping my daughter move. She has been living down in the South Bay with her boyfriend for about a year now. They didn't really want to go to the South Bay, that's just what they could afford. But now they finally got a place in La Mesa. Commute time cut by 20 minutes! They are stoked. Apparently it's this cute, secluded, granny flat, tucked into the side of Mt. Helix. We are so happy for them. They moved this past weekend. I was stoked to help them. I thought it would be nice, and I thought it would be an appropriate gesture to say that our blessing is given. I have never been to their old apartment. I thought helping would emphasize a new beginning. However, Saturday morning while I was fixing breakfast I felt a little twinge in my back. I wasn't even doing anything spectacular. I think maybe I was getting a knife out of the drawer, and I felt a little “wait a second.” I remember thinking “No, not today.” Then getting dressed was tricky. I thought “Of all of the days, why now?” I decided to put a back brace on, and push through, hoping maybe the blood flow would help. But alas, it did not.

     By the time we got to their old apartment, I could barely move. I was bummed. I had every intention of being the cool dad helping the young people with their first official move. But instead they got the old man dad, to feeble and frail to help. Luckily they did most of the work themselves anyway. After all, they didn't really have that much stuff to start with. No couch or TV, most of the big items were plastic put together yourself stuff from IKEA. (I'm just guessing, I don't know where they actually got it from.) I'm just saying, it was all light enough that 2 able-bodied twentysomethings were able to handle it without much trouble. My wife stayed and helped, but I had to go. I wanted to try and nip this thing in the bud before it got worse. I'm bummed I didn't get to see their new place, it sounds amazing. A lot better than my first place. We are stoked for them! Anyway, I got home and was able to stretch out, but that was not enough. It never really got into full pain mode, it always just felt like it was about to. I don't know if you've ever had the feeling that if you move half an inch in the wrong way, you're going down. I had one take me down before, it's not fun. So once you feel the twinge, all the muscles surrounding that area tighten, to “help” you. This in turn causes it's own set of issues, because once they tighten, you can barely move. It's exhausting. And scary. It feels like you're about to be broken in half. So you have to gingerly do everything in the hopes that you don't move that half inch. It's exhausting. And scary.

     Sunday wasn't much better. Monday wasn't much better. I had to cancel both band practices for the week, something I hate doing. Tuesday was a little better. Yesterday was a little better. And now today is a little better. I'm counting this as an accomplishment that I'm able to sit here typing. I couldn't have done this a couple of days ago. Yay, progress! I've been moving as little as possible over the past few days. Good thing the Olympics are on! I don't know what I would have done if I had to watch regular programming over this past week. I got to see all kinds of stuff that I don't usually get to see. It made that time a little bit better. Although just laying around is so boring! What's worse is, I kept thinking about all of the things I could be doing. Boy our tricky minds. Plus, my friend is having a show tomorrow, and I really want to go. So I've been nervous all week, hoping I'm okay by then. Next thing I know, I get a text from my punk band. The place we played a couple of weeks ago contacted us. They have a sold out show tomorrow and one of the bands cancelled. They want to know if we can take their spot! I can't believe it. This is what we've been hoping for. This is exactly the place that we want to be in. And here I am barely able to walk. But I couldn't turn it down. This is why we've been taking the sh*tty gigs, in the hope that we would eventually get the call. And we just did! So now I'm in this weird place where I'm bummed to miss my friend's show, nervous about trying to play out wounded, and so excited because I'm going to get to play a sold out show in front of a whole bunch of potential new fans!

It May Be Weird, But...

      It's weird setting a time and date to be creative. In my experience creativity is usually something that happens to you, not something to do. Although I do feel that if you're creative often enough, when the time is present, you'll just slip into your natural creative mode. Which in this situation is literally to just start typing. After all, I can always go back and change it. Even though you and I both know that won't happen. It's also weird for me to have that feeling in general. In my band, we always start off practice with 3 improvised jams. No rehearsed material, no “gonna be a song somedays,” just immediate, present, creativity. We do that on a specific day, and at a specific time. Also at dinner time. I usually have a general idea of what I'm going to make. But, the making of the dish itself is always open to creativity. I never make the same thing twice, and am constantly improvising during the creation. And that happens at a specific day and time. So now it seems weird to have started off with a line, and sentiment, that I basically negated in 196 words. But is it negated though? Whoa, I'm really flopping around on this one. Even though I practice spontaneous creativity that doesn't necessarily mean it's not weird. Natural things don't need practiced. Much. I'm sure there are plenty of people in our world that would be terrified to be creative on the spot. There are probably large portions of our population that would never attempt to deviate from the recipe. So I guess just because I happen to do it, that doesn't make it not weird. After all, I have been accused, a time or two, of being weird. So if I'm doing it, it may be weird.

     I guess this is kind of practicing immediate creativity too. Part of the point I guess. I suppose I like to think that I spend a whole week thinking about what I'm going to write on writing day. But I don't. I suppose I'd like to think that it's actually a long form narrative, and that I will build off of what I wrote last week. But I don't. I don't want to re-read last week's version, and try to summon my memory on what I thought I may have been babbling about last time. That's not me. I'm trying to be spontaneously creative! But that, unfortunately, leaves some substance to be desired from time to time. And these days substance is a little low. I suppose I'd like to think that my life is so full of interesting tidbits that I would never lack for material. But I do. Although I don't really think I should. It's just weird right now because of the Olympics. Well, the Olympics, and the fact that I'm still just barely recovering from the Sisters-in-law visit. That kind of ruled my life for a little bit, and now right into the Olympics. I like watching the Olympics. I like seeing all the stuff I never usually get to see. It's exciting! Plus, this is the first time that I have ever had a large enough cable package that I can see all that they are offering. I think it's good to see where we as people are at every once in a while. That's how I look at it. I'm not one of those “I hope USA dominates everyone” people. I look at it as more of what Human Beings are capable of. It's good to have that measuring stick, every 4 years see how far the Human Species has evolved.

     Reading about someone watching TV is not really entertainment. Sorry Shia! Oh my gosh, suddenly, it just occurred to me that my bands had a show! I can't believe it. I've been sitting here typing for nearly an hour about how not much is going on, and I totally forgot I had a show! We kicked *ss! I'm in 2 bands. Well technically I'm kind of in 4 bands, but that sounds like a different topic for a different day. I'm in 2 actual bands. I play bass in a punk rock band, and I have my own band which is harder to explain. We'll call it heavy groove. We often play together. We have the same friends, and it just makes it easier to get everyone together for both, instead of trying to get people to come out more often. All of our friends are older now, just like us, and don't want to be out that late too often. But man I tell you what, people wanted to be out that night! We packed that place. The coolest part was that I only recognized a few people. I don't know who the majority of the people were. That is, technically, where you want to be. Getting new people to come see you. And it happened! Last Saturday night! And, if there can be more than one coolest part, the other coolest part was people singing along. I couldn't believe it. We play our own original songs, and people were singing along! I'm stunned. I couldn't tell too much while I was on stage. But looking, and listening, back to some of the videos people posted, I could hear people singing along. To my songs! That was one the most epic moments of my life. Now I need a tissue.

Results are Good, Whether You Like Them or Not.

 

     I entered a writing contest a little while ago. Maybe 2 months ago. I can’t really remember, I almost forgot. I thought it sounded fun. They give you a word and an action and a genre, then you have 48 hours to write a story that is only 100 words long. I had fun doing it. I knew the results should be coming out soon, but as I said, it was kind of in the back of my mind. I had been looking into other contests. You know how FB is, once you look at something, that’s all it thinks you want to see. So I’ve been inundated with suggestions of writing contests. Only a couple seemed interesting, only one I actually attempted. Well, the results came out today. I did not win. I was not in the top 15 of my “group.” My “group” was about 100 people, all writing about a Romantic Comedy involving Improvisation including the word Comfort. When I first read which group I was in, I had a good chuckle. Romantic Comedy is probably the last thing I would’ve wanted. But, oh well, that’s how the world works sometimes. That’s one of the things about trying new things, you can almost never tell how it’s going to go, or what it’s going to be like, ahead of time. Although I have found, through years of trying new things, that if you go in expecting to have fun, then you usually will. And I did. I put effort in, I enjoyed myself, and I thought I did pretty good. Narrowing down 100 words was tricky, but I thought I had a cohesive story. I’m glad I tried. I was kind of hoping I would make it to the second round, but alas that was not meant to be.

 

     I’m not too broken up about it. After all, it was my first try. And I would never in 100 years think about doing anything in the Rom-Com genre. But I did, and it was cool. The other part I thought was cool was that they provide you feedback. Some things that they liked about what you wrote, and the parts they thought could use improvement. They even provided some suggestions that may have made my story more to their liking. I appreciated that very much. It was almost like being on some kind of reality show, without the harsh criticism and fanfare.  That seemed like a nice touch. It also made me realize that I don’t want to write fiction. I don’t even like reading fiction all that much. I have enough stories going on in my head, I don’t need someone else’s imagination jumping in there. Stories. I’ve been making up stories my whole life. But I’m not really into writing fiction. Although I have no less than 5 stories that I keep in my head, just in case. I find it amusing too that I knew this ahead of time. I just wanted to try something different. And I imagine that any type of practice writing is good. Anything I can do to sit here and type, getting an idea from inside my head to the computer screen is good! That’s all I was really doing anyway. For what it counts, that’s all this is too. Practice. I do consider myself a writer. I mean, that’s what I’m doing right now, writing. Practicing for my first real effort. I do have the rough draft completed. And that’s part of being here, making sure I stay in creative mode, making writing a priority.

 

     I was getting in a real good mode at the end of 2019 and beginning of 2020. I was knocking sh*t out! Then Covid happened. And we had 2 people working from home and only 1 computer. Logically the person who gets paid to use the computer gets to use it. So I fell out of habit. Then we moved. Things got rearranged. I am just now starting to get back in the habit. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I like to start slow. Sometimes glacial. Which is an odd thing for me to deal with because I know I am a bit, some might say extremely, impatient. In general, nothing goes as fast as I think that it should. However, when it comes to my creative life, and my hopes and dreams, I’m like “Ah, there’s plenty of time.” Which I know there isn’t. I’m about to finally record some songs I wrote almost 20 years ago! Now that’s patient. I wish I could use some of that patience when I’m dealing with the f*cking idiots at the grocery store. Anyway, before I get to far off topic, that sounds like a good topic for a different day. Sometimes it’s hard to notice things unless you write them down. Something happens during the act of removing thoughts from your head and seeing them on display. And that’s kind of what happened to me today when I read their feedback. I got dinged for what I consider my style. They thought I should have used a lot more literary devices. I honestly feel that I’m trying to hone a particular way of doing this. I like what I’m working on. I don’t want to be good at writing fiction. Even if I did write fiction, I think I would still want it to sound like it was coming from me, not from someone who learned how to write a certain way. I’m sticking with it!

Things Becoming Apparent

      What a long week! It's funny how being on vacation can be more tiring than going to work. At least from what I remember about work. To me being around a bunch of people can be tiring. Especially children. I am not a fan. I prefer interacting with people I can reason with and relate to. Children don't have that. I know we're supposed to be good examples, and help them learn those skills as they grow. But, when I don't get to see them that often, and have no real input as to how they can gain these skills, it makes it tough to deal with. It's odd to me that people who grew up in the same exact household can decide to parent in so many different ways. Well, I guess that is if they “decide” to parent. It has become increasingly clear to me over the past week that not everyone sees “parenting” as an activity that is to be done. Some people seem to think that once the child has arrived, that is enough, and nature shall take it's course. Hence they do not choose to “parent.” I had noticed this phenomenon before, but after this week it is very apparent. In a way I feel bad for people who've had parenthood thrust upon them. They do not seem to feel like they made the choice. Although we all know that they did in fact make the choice that caused the child. Somehow that doesn't seem to equate in everyone's mind. They seem to feel that parenthood is something that happened to them, instead of a choice they made. And it is sad. Because from what I can tell, the individuals deciding to be parents have much better offspring.

     The offspring, after all, is the whole point isn't it? Once you bring someone in, it becomes your responsibility to make sure that individual becomes a decent human being. I feel so bad for the children growing up in the situation where their parent(s) see them as a nuisance. Not a loving gift that they've chosen, but a burden they have to now deal with. What chance does a child like that have? It seems like none, unless someone else gets involved. And it is also starting to seem that this phenomenon is perpetuating. The child who is grown out of a “burden” situation, then has a child of their own, and naturally sees their child as a burden, since that's what they were shown. I know the cycle can be broken. I know, according to my dad's stories, that he was not raised in a very loving household. But he chose to be loving. He did not want my sister and I to feel the way that he did growing up, so we were raised with a lot of love. He had to make it up. He wasn't shown a great amount of fatherly skills growing up, but he broke the cycle. I'm sure he didn't always know what to do, hell, who does? But we always knew we were loved and wanted. That's another big one, WANTED. My sister and I were chosen and desired. And I do understand that if my sister were able to become a parent, we would also have different parenting styles. However, I do not think they would be totally different. From my observations this past week not all women are natural nurturers. I guess I knew that one too, but alas, after this week, it is much more apparent. Some people just seem incapable of seeing the bigger picture.

     The bigger picture, after all, is the whole point isn't it? You're not raising a 2 year old, you're raising a future person. You're raising someone that is going to be sharing this planet with us. Sharing our air and our roadways. I honestly feel if more people felt this way the whole world could change. People seem to get so caught up in their own crap that they fail to see what is really going on. What is really happening to them. And what they are really doing to this other individual. Just because children don't come with a manual, isn't an excuse to do to them whatever the f*ck you'd like. It seems to me like you would naturally want to speak to children nicely, and not cuss around them. But I have seen situations where the parent(s) are actually calling their children names. Vulgar names. I don't understand how doing that becomes a thing. And, over and over, I just keep thinking it has to do with the parent not grasping the significance of what is actually going on. And, that leads me to the idea that if they had this awareness before hand, they probably would have abstained or used protection. Hence, once again, perpetuating. It's sad. Awareness seems to be something that very few hold dear. Yet, it is the only thing that will break the cycle. There isn't a way to regulate it. There is no magic button or pill. I think if you were to ask most dog owners who they like better, people or dogs, the overwhelming answer would be dogs. Maybe people in general would say dogs. And that seems to be a huge part of the problem. When we're living in a world where people don't like people, how could they think of making a good person?

Birthday Clusters

      Today is my Dad's birthday. Once again I am busy, and won't be able to see him today. I had to reorganize some stuff just to get to be able to do this. It's at times like these that I become slightly more aware of how sayings like “when it rains it pours” get started. And how they remain to be felt, hence continuing to be said. I'm sure a lot of families are familiar with the idea of a Birthday Cluster. Several members of a family having birthdays very near one another. Just in my immediate family, my mother and I are 2 days apart, my father and sister are 10 days apart. When you start adding people in, it multiplies. My cousin and I are also 2 days apart. Quite literally. Same year. Same hospital. Our mothers we betting on who would be born first. My mother lost. I'm sure it wasn't that big of a deal, but it may have hurt a little. My mother actually believes that I was to have been born in October. So on December 1^st, when her older sister gave birth, and I hadn't arrived yet, I'm sure she was stunned. That is true. My mother believes I was 6-7 weeks late. I don't know that I've ever heard of a post-mature baby. And, what's stranger still to me is, she thinks I had something to do with. As if I had some choice in the matter. Not that the doctors calculated the date wrong, no, no, I'm a late bloomer, and always have been. Oh well, that seems like a different discussion for a different day. So ever since I was born December 1^st, 3^rd, and 5^th have been linked. Anywhere from 3 to 10 days after Thanksgiving.

     Getting together usually called for some kind of traveling. So we would often just knock them out in one visit. Sometimes that visit was Thanksgiving, sometimes not. But, we rarely got individual Birthdays. It was “normal” so I never really thought much about it. Especially since we had another cluster between June and July. For a while there we had a cousin born on June 26^th, my sister on the 27^th, my aunt on the 28^th, my daughter on July 1^st, my dad on the 8^th, and my grandmother on the 13^th. My cousin and grandmother have since left us, but it's obviously still hard not to think about them during this time. And that all happens right around July the 4^th! So it was basically the same drill, traveling was involved, and it just made it easier to lump them all together. I don't know that anyone minded. We all got to be together and have fun. Plus it kind of made it like your birthday was better 'cause it lasted longer. Now I think it's funny 'cause I hear a lot of people talking about their Birthday Week, as if it should last that long. But some of us had it for real man. Since we've gotten older, I don't see my maternal side of the family that much anymore. Which is a little odd, 'cause only 2 of our primary group have moved, the rest of us live closer than we have in a long time. We used to travel hours to see each other, and now we don't even travel minutes. It was as if we were just doing it all for my grandmother. At the time I don't know that any of us could've been convinced that that was the case.

     My parents have only been back in town for a few years, so it's starting to amp up again. Last year Covid kind of messed everything up, but we're getting back into it. However now, it's a little strange because we are so close. We don't have to travel. I can see them on Tuesday and Thursday if desired. So sometimes we end up seeing each other a lot more than “normal.” However this time, extended family is getting involved! All of my wife's sisters are in town, with all of their children. It's a lot. Her mother is planning on moving to the East Coast, so they have all decided to get together one last time in the house that they grew up in. They are all very excited. I've barely seen my wife in 3 days, and looks like I have another week of it. But that's okay, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Whoa, I may have to tackle that one next week. Anyway, they're very much doing what I was just saying. One of the sisters is turning 40 in August, but we're throwing her a surprise party on Saturday. Surprise! It's a month early! We're having a Thanksgiving dinner one of the days. And they're basically cramming in a bunch of missed past and future events, into 10 days! It's kind of cool. I'm glad they're all excited. None of the husbands came. I find that odd. However, I'm not really used to being that social either. I'm glad I have my safe place. But the other cool thing is that they all love my family too. So my parents and sister have been invited to as many of the events as they would like. I think they all really like the idea of having this big extended family. But it leaves me wondering, do I still try to go see my dad tomorrow, knowing that I'm going to see him on Saturday? Yes I do. May as well see him as much as possible.

Questioning Priorities

     Thursday afternoon! What do you know? I'm glad this all worked out. I'm busy tomorrow, and today has worked out great, so I'm in. I love it when things like that happen. I know that people often make comments about “doors closing, and windows opening,” but when you get to see it, and feel it, in action, it truly is remarkable. I do feel a little guilty though. Today is my Daughter's Birthday. She's turning 22. Her 21^st kind of got screwed last year because of Covid, so this is supposed to be a big one. However I will not be going. I have band practice. Under normal circumstances, I would have definitely taken the night off. But, we have a show coming up in 3 weeks. And, we have only played together twice in a year and a half. So, we need the practice. Plus, it being summer and all. Newly reopened and all. Other people have vacations scheduled. So we have to practice when we can. And, unfortunately, tonight is when we can. It feels weird. My wife's family and my family are going to be there. I am the only one not making it. It will be obvious. But, that's the life. Everyone knows. And she understands. Which is why I'm busy tomorrow. I'll get to see her then. It'll be a much smaller group, and a much more fun establishment, so she isn't really missing out. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, she's making out. She gets 2 Birthdays! That should hopefully make up for it. Not that there's really anything to make up for, but somehow I feel like you get my drift. And, also, on a side note, in a selfish way, I hope my bandmates realize the sacrifice I'm making to accommodate their schedules.

     Not that any of them would ever actually question my priorities, but it's nice to show them that it's still the same. Everyone I know knows, so it's not like a mystery. Once I cancelled practice because my foot hurt so bad I couldn't walk very well. I never got so many phone calls before in my life! Everyone wanting to make sure I was okay. Figuring since I cancelled, it must be pretty bad. Well, it is good to know that the way I feel about things comes off in my behavior, and the people close to me get it. I wouldn't want, and couldn't have, it any other way. I'm always suspicious of people who think they are different than they are. But that sounds like the beginning of another story for another day. Today I'd like to finish the idea that I've been trying to tell you about for a couple of weeks now. I keep getting distracted! Which is fine. It's part of the process. But today, one of the parts of the process, is completed! Once again, I will say, it is a trip how things work out. I love this journey called Life. Even though at times it can be frustrating and confusing. A couple of weeks ago I started off by telling you that I was working on a new game. I was telling you that it was such a magical experience, that the idea just “popped” into my head. I was attempting to tell you that it was so much different than before, because this one practically “popped” in complete. I was about to tell you how it was so amazing, because I never had one come to me with so little effort involved. Well, that was a couple of weeks ago.

     It's now been 3 weeks. And, it did come in pretty easy. But by no means complete. I was close, and it probably would've been fine. At least for now. My wife and I had fun playing it. But there seemed to me to be just a couple of things that could go better. Granted, we're just getting the basics down, I know there's still a lot of development to do. But I like to make sure I have a “working model” before I move on. And I could not get over this feeling that things could be a little bit better. And I do realize I mean a “little” bit. But I was agonizing over it. Agony might be too strong a word, but I'm leaving it in! I spent no less than 6 full days trying to get the math to work right. I knew there had to be a way to get the results I wanted, but it seemed like it might be an impossibility. I couldn't accept that. I knew there had to be a way. It invaded my dreams a couple of nights. I don't know if you've ever had anything like that happen, but it's hard to feel rested when you wake up feeling that you've already spent a whole day working on something. I could not let it go. It has consumed me. I had to force myself to stop. Several times. Then I finally realized something had to give. I wanted 2 different things to be able to happen. But I had to decide which I actually wanted more. Then, after days of effort, I finally noticed what was actually important, and what I was “trying” to fit in. As soon as I decided to stop “trying” to put my idea into “the” idea, I saw it. And it's turned out wonderful. I figured it out just before lunch. I feel lighter. And now I can go into the Holiday Weekend with a light heart, clean mind, and new game.

Getting Out of the Zone

     Well, it happened again! For the second week in a row, the new game occupied my mind beyond what I thought it would. Maybe Friday is a better day. I used to spend Fridays mixing practice from Thursday night. But now it seems like we're no longer practicing in a recording studio, so I have no tracks to mix. I still record everything, I just have no tracks to mix. Without mixing, it takes a lot less time to get the music on the cloud so the guys can hear it. This is freeing up my Friday afternoon. Which, in a way, kind of makes sense. The “end of the week.” What better way to recap it? I feel like I'm in an almost constant state of getting used to new things. That's okay though, I like trying new things. The tough part is trying to find a decent balance between being in “new thing mode,” and being in “things are as they should be mode.” I really do think it's important to have habits that help us, and take a certain amount of comfort in the things we choose to have the same on a regular basis. Without challenging those feelings with “new things” we are often unaware if change is needed. I suppose that is what is meant by getting out of one's “comfort zone.” However, I feel like that phrase gets used a little to liberally, and seems to be tied to the idea of making some kind of grand effort, in order to make some kind of monumental change. What I'm referring to is more of a small, daily kind of mindset that, at it's core, has the fundamental of understanding that you cannot have a “comfort zone” without the regular leaving of that zone. To try to stay in one's “comfort zone” is akin to paranoia.

     If you never try anything different, you can't really know if you're doing what you do because you “like” it, or because it's a habit. Sometimes it seems like I run into people who haven't really changed much since they were children. Sure their “outside-self” has changed, but deep down they're still acting like the child their parents raised. Never taking the time to ask themselves “How do I feel about this?” Still acting, and reacting, out of their programmed behavior, not their chosen way of being. Now, backing up a little, I have great respect for our “inner child.” I feel that one of the most inhumane things that happens to a lot of us is that we lose sight of that being. We seem to be programmed to feel that as we mature, that little voice needs to be silenced in order to make us “adult.” I in no way, shape, or form promote that idea. In fact, going back to what I was saying a little bit ago, I feel it is imperative to work with our “inner child.” After all, it is the entity that has never left us. It has been with us our entire life. It is in essence the very thing that we need to keep changing for. It was never intended to be this thing that your parents programmed for the first few years of your life, then kept in a dungeon somewhere in your subconscious, poking it's head out every once in a while just to f*ck up your results. It is meant to worked with. It is intended to be this journey that you are on with yourself, consistently relating, updating, and perpetuating the idea that you are not complete yet.

     You will never be complete. You keep learning together everyday until finally you learn what it's like to die. Only then are you complete. No longer separated. It is this “inner child” that lets us look at the day with a new sense of admiration. It allows us the creativity and enthusiasm to dream and hope. It is the spark that can keep us young well into our years. So, when I say “Haven't changed much since they were children,” I'm not talking about their “inner child,” I'm referring to them being child-ish. They didn't like avocados as a kid, even though they never tried one, and now they still “say” they don't like them. That is not growing up. That is getting older. I honestly feel that we're meant to be in relationship with our “inner child.” It allows us to see things as though we don't have everything figured out yet. It keeps us in the realm of awe, where we can still have just as much fun daydreaming as we can getting stuff done. If you don't let your “inner child” play, life can be pretty boring. Not only that, but, as I mentioned earlier, it can have a negative impact on you. If you're not in direct relationship with it, you have no idea what it wants, and no idea how it can create drama in your life. And, it seems to me, the easiest way to maintain that relationship is to keep trying new things. Understand the way you like certain things, and have them that way. But it is also healthy to leverage that with an equal amount of time spent trying something you don't know. Mix up your routine occasionally, just to see what happens. You may go right back, or you may find something that you appreciate even more.

A Certain Type of Inspiration

      Man, I totally spaced on doing this yesterday. I'm trying to get back in the habit of making sure I at least write once a week. I find it's easier to keep up on certain things when you do them in a certain way. Such as on a certain day, or at a certain time. It becomes less of “remembering” and more of “how you are.” I'm glad I remembered. It was sort of strange too, I was just sitting down eating lunch, when all of a sudden, POP right into my head, “I didn't write yesterday.” I like when things like that happen. I like to imagine that my inner-self and my outer-self are working in unison when that happens. It seems that if you can get your inner-self to know what you'd actually like to get done, it can help you. It certainly seems better at it than my outer-self. I also find it funny that when it popped into my head, I sat there for a moment, trying to remember what could have possibly taken up my time. I had every intention of writing yesterday. Thursday afternoon is my designated day. It just so happened, and I'm glad, that my normal Friday stuff got taken off my list, so I have time! So, as I sat there contemplating, it dawned on me that I had spent pretty much the entire afternoon on a new game that I'm working on. Then it all made sense. Being a creative being, I require a certain amount of inspiration. I know some people can be creative at will, and I'm working on it. But for the most part, I have to strike while the iron is hot. So if I get an idea in my head, then that is what I'm doing.

     I got so into my arts and crafts yesterday that I totally forgot what I intended to do. And that seems to be another facet of having an inner-self. The inner-self can help you get what you want. But, if the inner-self has a desire of it's own, then it is absolutely not going to help you. That's kind of the fun part of being a creative, when your inner-self is getting to do what it wants, you feel as though you're getting what you want. When both of you feel like you're getting what you want, then you feel as though you're doing what you're “supposed” to be doing. That feeling is intoxicating. I understand it to be that feeling that causes all creatives to be creative. I'm sure other people feel that connection in different ways, though they may not label it as “creative,” it's still a powerful motivator. And that's where I was yesterday, “in the midst.” Which again is, in itself, a little odd. This new game idea popped into my head just a few days ago. Usually when I get an idea I mull it over for a while. How's it going to work? What will it look like? Can it be explained? But this one just popped in. Almost as if it had been pre-planned. So for the past couple of days I have been immersed in figuring it out. When my inner-self gets something in it's clutches my outer-self has no choice. Everything else seems to slip into the periphery. I suppose the general public would call it “focus.” But, 1) I have a difficult time dealing with words that have more than one type of meaning. And, 2) “focus” to me is something you do, not something that happens to you. When I'm in that state I am not “trying,” I am in a flow state.

     There, you see that? I found another one. State. I'm not a fan of words like that. The mental situation you are in, or the label of the physical geography you are in. That can be confusing. But I'm leaving it there, I'm not about spending time trying to figure that one out right now. Anyway, back to the task at hand. Usually when I'm working on a game, it goes through several different versions before I make what I'd call a “working demo.” And, as I mentioned before, most of the time I have to wait for inspiration. I have enough little projects in my head, and in my home, that if not inspired, I have a list from which to choose. I do my best not to sit idly by. But, also as previously mentioned, when inspiration hits, that is what is being done. I have this kind of fear, or apprehension, that if inspiration is not accepted, then it may not return. I hope that doesn't sound silly. It is something I have grown to feel is true. And I am not willing to find out what happens if I don't act on my inspirations. Because, as long as I have been doing things this way, it keeps happening! And, surprisingly enough, it seems to have a natural ebb and flow about it. I never seem to be inspired by more than one thing at a time. Well, I guess that wouldn't really be possible, because when I'm in the midst of an inspiration, I'm already there. Anyway, I'm leaving that in too. It's funny I wrote that, because technically I was working on a different game when the new game popped in. But the new one was way more powerful, and the other one is almost done. This kind of thing seems to be happening more and more. Yay!

The Bumper Year

 

Feeling on track is a lot better than feeling adrift. I've really only felt “on track” a few times. But it is those times that make the rest of the journey worthwhile. I have to imagine that a lot of people are feeling that way now. Finally getting back to some sense of “normalcy” after more than a year of confusion. That's another reason why the timing of my resurgence seems so apropos. I've gotten really lucky, and have been able to use the last year to be as creative as possible. And now that things are opening back up, I am able to hit the ground running. Well, kind of. As usual, some parts “yes” and some parts “no.” Just the fact that I can dream again, and imagine again, and see that the path is still there, is enough motivation for me at this time. For a long time there it seemed hard to see past all the nonsense. Sometimes I think maybe this quarantine was a blessing in disguise. I know people have had a hard time, and are still having a hard time. I don't mean to make light of their struggle. I know if this had happened 5 or 6 years ago, I don't know what I would've done. We had 1 dinky computer, no WIFI to speak of, no laptop, no unlimited data. I honestly do not know what we would have done. I'm sure we would've figured out something, but I can't think of what right now. But for us, it happened at the exact right time. We could do something about it. I have to imagine that we aren't the only ones. That is one of my core essential feelings: No matter how unique a person is, if you feel a way, someone else feels that way too.

In general, on paper, I don't think taking a little more than a year off to reevaluate your situation is a “bad” thing. Having no income and no place to go is undesirable, but time to reflect is essential. I know back before I left “home” I was offered an opportunity to maintain my current living status for a year, while I decided what direction I wanted to go. At that time, I felt my current living status was part of the problem. The last thing I wanted was another year of it, I wanted change. Now, the idea of a “Bumper Year” is fairly common. We actually suggested our daughter take a Bumper Year, but she wasn't interested either. Which in itself is kind of funny. We didn't really think she wanted to go where she “said” she wanted to go. We didn't really think she wanted to do what she “said” she wanted to do. But we wanted to support her, and her decisions, so we found a way to send her to her “dream school.” That didn't even last 6 months. Then she decided a Bumper Year sounded like a good idea. And guess what? Now she's killing it! She took some time off, figured out what she really wanted to get involved in. Took some time to slough off the childishness of High School, and get her head straight for involvement in the “real” world. I think having that time to think is invaluable. Granted, we, as adults, do not always have that kind of time to reflect. For most of us, a year without income causes more stress than relief. But I also think in a lot of ways, it could have caused growth for a lot of people.

Unfortunately, in my experience, you grow most when things are challenging. That's kind of the sucky part. You learn, or at least should learn, all of these coping skills when things are not going your way, and you can only truly appreciate them once the turmoil is over. That is why it is said that “Hindsight is always 20/20.” Only afterwards can we truly see what the completed experience has done for us. Perhaps a person was laid off from a job they didn't like. Sure, it paid the bills, but they weren't “happy.” Maybe after their Reflection Time they thought of what would make them happy. Or perhaps they found another gig that “pays the bills,” but they actually find more fulfillment doing this job over the other. So they basically somehow “stumbled” into a more meaningful existence. If we don't take time to do this in our “normal” lives we miss all kinds of opportunities to change. Granted, there are people, perhaps a lot of people, who do not really like change. Change can be a disruptor. But, and I really mean this from the bottom of my heart, change is necessary. We have to change, it is inevitable. As bothersome as that may be to some people, the truth is that “Change is the only constant.” So some people fight it. To no avail. Therefore my suggestion is to cause change. When you initiate change, and welcome the new set of experiences you'll learn, the natural change that occurs won't be so daunting. When you find a way to bring on turmoil in a creative way, and choose the discipline that will in essence make life tougher on yourself for a little while, “normal” life changes won't be that big a deal.

Doing The Math

 

Well, if someone had told me it had been 7 years since I last posted, I probably wouldn't have believed them. I'm sure if I did the math, I could have figured it out. But I doubt I would have even remembered the last one I posted. Re-reading it just now, I was blown away at how long ago that seems. It's also interesting because now that I think about it, that was at exactly about the same time that everything started changing. I fully came on here expecting to write something new. To restart something that used to give me so much joy. I was going to try posting on some site called Vocal. It just seemed a little too “proper” for what I'm actually doing. I had a whole new idea. Well, maybe not a new idea, but a conscience rebooting of an old favorite. When Vocal didn't seem to be what I wanted, I thought “What about the Blog I used to write?” I found it, and my password even still worked! Then I decided to re-read the last one, to check my format and see where I left off. And that brings us to right now. I had no intention of continuing my old story line. But, now that I've read it, I have an urge to get you “caught” up. However, I was not really particularly fond of what I had written. Also, there's almost no reason to “catch” you up, considering it's been 7 years. It's been a crazy, full 7 years, and there are probably things that will come up, but, in general, I'm going to assume you haven't been sitting around waiting to hear how things have gone. I will resist the temptation, and try sticking with the new idea.

It is odd though. The whole point of starting up again, kind of stemmed from the feeling that I'm once again on a precipice. Life is changing. Again. It mostly started this past weekend. I was at my parents house for Memorial Day weekend. For some reason we were randomly watching some show about people mountain biking in Zion National Park. That's when it dawned on me that my parents had taken me to Zion National Park Memorial Day weekend in 1991. I was about to join the Navy, and they thought a road trip would be a good way to spend some quality time with each other before I left. Then it hit me: that was 30 years ago! It seemed so random to watch this show shot in the same place I was 30 years ago, on the same day, with the same people! It started some kind of cascade in my mind. And that leads me to sitting right here, right now, exactly 30 years ago to the day that I went to Boot Camp. What a trip! I'm at a new place in my life, and thought I should start doing this again. Not just because I enjoy it, but for the sake of being able to look back, with clarity. Then when I saw how long ago it had been, and what was going on 7 years ago, I knew I made the right choice. Because not only was that 7 year gap a kind of detour, but the last 30 years have been a detour too! It's like some kind of convergence, just when I needed it. Life has a peculiar way of making sure you get the point. Which, in essence, is the entire reason for any of this, getting the point.

I knew I wasn't going to be a lifer. In the military a “lifer” is a person who plans to make a career out of the military. I knew I wasn't. I had just finished my first year of community college, I had just been dumped by my long time girlfriend, and I wanted to get the hell out of Palmdale. I had no prospects, no idea what I wanted to do, and no money to do anything with. The Navy seemed like an easy choice. All the other men in my family served, so I would too. Plus, it would give me time to think. Time to think. Just so we're clear, I'm still thinking. I was never going to be a lifer. I still can't believe I re-enlisted! I thought I was going to do my 4 years and bail. But, at then end of 4 years, I hadn't figured anything out yet. I was sure I'd know more by the end of the second enlistment. That didn't happen. Although, by that time, I did know that the Navy was not for me. I knew I would rather die of starvation than go through that anymore. I no longer have anything against the military, it is an excellent opportunity for a lot of people. It just didn't work for me. And, just for the record, nothing else up to this point has worked for me either. Which is why I say it was like a detour. I didn't really take the time to figure out what I wanted to do when I was young, and now 30 years later, I'm still wondering what I should be when I grow up. Other people I know are thinking about retirement in another decade or so, and here I am wondering what I'm going to be. That is a long detour! I do, finally, think I have a good grasp on my future, and what I'd like to see happen. Which is what brings us to this point now. I may finally be on track, and this is how I make sense of things.