Doing The Math

 

Well, if someone had told me it had been 7 years since I last posted, I probably wouldn't have believed them. I'm sure if I did the math, I could have figured it out. But I doubt I would have even remembered the last one I posted. Re-reading it just now, I was blown away at how long ago that seems. It's also interesting because now that I think about it, that was at exactly about the same time that everything started changing. I fully came on here expecting to write something new. To restart something that used to give me so much joy. I was going to try posting on some site called Vocal. It just seemed a little too “proper” for what I'm actually doing. I had a whole new idea. Well, maybe not a new idea, but a conscience rebooting of an old favorite. When Vocal didn't seem to be what I wanted, I thought “What about the Blog I used to write?” I found it, and my password even still worked! Then I decided to re-read the last one, to check my format and see where I left off. And that brings us to right now. I had no intention of continuing my old story line. But, now that I've read it, I have an urge to get you “caught” up. However, I was not really particularly fond of what I had written. Also, there's almost no reason to “catch” you up, considering it's been 7 years. It's been a crazy, full 7 years, and there are probably things that will come up, but, in general, I'm going to assume you haven't been sitting around waiting to hear how things have gone. I will resist the temptation, and try sticking with the new idea.

It is odd though. The whole point of starting up again, kind of stemmed from the feeling that I'm once again on a precipice. Life is changing. Again. It mostly started this past weekend. I was at my parents house for Memorial Day weekend. For some reason we were randomly watching some show about people mountain biking in Zion National Park. That's when it dawned on me that my parents had taken me to Zion National Park Memorial Day weekend in 1991. I was about to join the Navy, and they thought a road trip would be a good way to spend some quality time with each other before I left. Then it hit me: that was 30 years ago! It seemed so random to watch this show shot in the same place I was 30 years ago, on the same day, with the same people! It started some kind of cascade in my mind. And that leads me to sitting right here, right now, exactly 30 years ago to the day that I went to Boot Camp. What a trip! I'm at a new place in my life, and thought I should start doing this again. Not just because I enjoy it, but for the sake of being able to look back, with clarity. Then when I saw how long ago it had been, and what was going on 7 years ago, I knew I made the right choice. Because not only was that 7 year gap a kind of detour, but the last 30 years have been a detour too! It's like some kind of convergence, just when I needed it. Life has a peculiar way of making sure you get the point. Which, in essence, is the entire reason for any of this, getting the point.

I knew I wasn't going to be a lifer. In the military a “lifer” is a person who plans to make a career out of the military. I knew I wasn't. I had just finished my first year of community college, I had just been dumped by my long time girlfriend, and I wanted to get the hell out of Palmdale. I had no prospects, no idea what I wanted to do, and no money to do anything with. The Navy seemed like an easy choice. All the other men in my family served, so I would too. Plus, it would give me time to think. Time to think. Just so we're clear, I'm still thinking. I was never going to be a lifer. I still can't believe I re-enlisted! I thought I was going to do my 4 years and bail. But, at then end of 4 years, I hadn't figured anything out yet. I was sure I'd know more by the end of the second enlistment. That didn't happen. Although, by that time, I did know that the Navy was not for me. I knew I would rather die of starvation than go through that anymore. I no longer have anything against the military, it is an excellent opportunity for a lot of people. It just didn't work for me. And, just for the record, nothing else up to this point has worked for me either. Which is why I say it was like a detour. I didn't really take the time to figure out what I wanted to do when I was young, and now 30 years later, I'm still wondering what I should be when I grow up. Other people I know are thinking about retirement in another decade or so, and here I am wondering what I'm going to be. That is a long detour! I do, finally, think I have a good grasp on my future, and what I'd like to see happen. Which is what brings us to this point now. I may finally be on track, and this is how I make sense of things.