Getting Out of the Zone

     Well, it happened again! For the second week in a row, the new game occupied my mind beyond what I thought it would. Maybe Friday is a better day. I used to spend Fridays mixing practice from Thursday night. But now it seems like we're no longer practicing in a recording studio, so I have no tracks to mix. I still record everything, I just have no tracks to mix. Without mixing, it takes a lot less time to get the music on the cloud so the guys can hear it. This is freeing up my Friday afternoon. Which, in a way, kind of makes sense. The “end of the week.” What better way to recap it? I feel like I'm in an almost constant state of getting used to new things. That's okay though, I like trying new things. The tough part is trying to find a decent balance between being in “new thing mode,” and being in “things are as they should be mode.” I really do think it's important to have habits that help us, and take a certain amount of comfort in the things we choose to have the same on a regular basis. Without challenging those feelings with “new things” we are often unaware if change is needed. I suppose that is what is meant by getting out of one's “comfort zone.” However, I feel like that phrase gets used a little to liberally, and seems to be tied to the idea of making some kind of grand effort, in order to make some kind of monumental change. What I'm referring to is more of a small, daily kind of mindset that, at it's core, has the fundamental of understanding that you cannot have a “comfort zone” without the regular leaving of that zone. To try to stay in one's “comfort zone” is akin to paranoia.

     If you never try anything different, you can't really know if you're doing what you do because you “like” it, or because it's a habit. Sometimes it seems like I run into people who haven't really changed much since they were children. Sure their “outside-self” has changed, but deep down they're still acting like the child their parents raised. Never taking the time to ask themselves “How do I feel about this?” Still acting, and reacting, out of their programmed behavior, not their chosen way of being. Now, backing up a little, I have great respect for our “inner child.” I feel that one of the most inhumane things that happens to a lot of us is that we lose sight of that being. We seem to be programmed to feel that as we mature, that little voice needs to be silenced in order to make us “adult.” I in no way, shape, or form promote that idea. In fact, going back to what I was saying a little bit ago, I feel it is imperative to work with our “inner child.” After all, it is the entity that has never left us. It has been with us our entire life. It is in essence the very thing that we need to keep changing for. It was never intended to be this thing that your parents programmed for the first few years of your life, then kept in a dungeon somewhere in your subconscious, poking it's head out every once in a while just to f*ck up your results. It is meant to worked with. It is intended to be this journey that you are on with yourself, consistently relating, updating, and perpetuating the idea that you are not complete yet.

     You will never be complete. You keep learning together everyday until finally you learn what it's like to die. Only then are you complete. No longer separated. It is this “inner child” that lets us look at the day with a new sense of admiration. It allows us the creativity and enthusiasm to dream and hope. It is the spark that can keep us young well into our years. So, when I say “Haven't changed much since they were children,” I'm not talking about their “inner child,” I'm referring to them being child-ish. They didn't like avocados as a kid, even though they never tried one, and now they still “say” they don't like them. That is not growing up. That is getting older. I honestly feel that we're meant to be in relationship with our “inner child.” It allows us to see things as though we don't have everything figured out yet. It keeps us in the realm of awe, where we can still have just as much fun daydreaming as we can getting stuff done. If you don't let your “inner child” play, life can be pretty boring. Not only that, but, as I mentioned earlier, it can have a negative impact on you. If you're not in direct relationship with it, you have no idea what it wants, and no idea how it can create drama in your life. And, it seems to me, the easiest way to maintain that relationship is to keep trying new things. Understand the way you like certain things, and have them that way. But it is also healthy to leverage that with an equal amount of time spent trying something you don't know. Mix up your routine occasionally, just to see what happens. You may go right back, or you may find something that you appreciate even more.

A Certain Type of Inspiration

      Man, I totally spaced on doing this yesterday. I'm trying to get back in the habit of making sure I at least write once a week. I find it's easier to keep up on certain things when you do them in a certain way. Such as on a certain day, or at a certain time. It becomes less of “remembering” and more of “how you are.” I'm glad I remembered. It was sort of strange too, I was just sitting down eating lunch, when all of a sudden, POP right into my head, “I didn't write yesterday.” I like when things like that happen. I like to imagine that my inner-self and my outer-self are working in unison when that happens. It seems that if you can get your inner-self to know what you'd actually like to get done, it can help you. It certainly seems better at it than my outer-self. I also find it funny that when it popped into my head, I sat there for a moment, trying to remember what could have possibly taken up my time. I had every intention of writing yesterday. Thursday afternoon is my designated day. It just so happened, and I'm glad, that my normal Friday stuff got taken off my list, so I have time! So, as I sat there contemplating, it dawned on me that I had spent pretty much the entire afternoon on a new game that I'm working on. Then it all made sense. Being a creative being, I require a certain amount of inspiration. I know some people can be creative at will, and I'm working on it. But for the most part, I have to strike while the iron is hot. So if I get an idea in my head, then that is what I'm doing.

     I got so into my arts and crafts yesterday that I totally forgot what I intended to do. And that seems to be another facet of having an inner-self. The inner-self can help you get what you want. But, if the inner-self has a desire of it's own, then it is absolutely not going to help you. That's kind of the fun part of being a creative, when your inner-self is getting to do what it wants, you feel as though you're getting what you want. When both of you feel like you're getting what you want, then you feel as though you're doing what you're “supposed” to be doing. That feeling is intoxicating. I understand it to be that feeling that causes all creatives to be creative. I'm sure other people feel that connection in different ways, though they may not label it as “creative,” it's still a powerful motivator. And that's where I was yesterday, “in the midst.” Which again is, in itself, a little odd. This new game idea popped into my head just a few days ago. Usually when I get an idea I mull it over for a while. How's it going to work? What will it look like? Can it be explained? But this one just popped in. Almost as if it had been pre-planned. So for the past couple of days I have been immersed in figuring it out. When my inner-self gets something in it's clutches my outer-self has no choice. Everything else seems to slip into the periphery. I suppose the general public would call it “focus.” But, 1) I have a difficult time dealing with words that have more than one type of meaning. And, 2) “focus” to me is something you do, not something that happens to you. When I'm in that state I am not “trying,” I am in a flow state.

     There, you see that? I found another one. State. I'm not a fan of words like that. The mental situation you are in, or the label of the physical geography you are in. That can be confusing. But I'm leaving it there, I'm not about spending time trying to figure that one out right now. Anyway, back to the task at hand. Usually when I'm working on a game, it goes through several different versions before I make what I'd call a “working demo.” And, as I mentioned before, most of the time I have to wait for inspiration. I have enough little projects in my head, and in my home, that if not inspired, I have a list from which to choose. I do my best not to sit idly by. But, also as previously mentioned, when inspiration hits, that is what is being done. I have this kind of fear, or apprehension, that if inspiration is not accepted, then it may not return. I hope that doesn't sound silly. It is something I have grown to feel is true. And I am not willing to find out what happens if I don't act on my inspirations. Because, as long as I have been doing things this way, it keeps happening! And, surprisingly enough, it seems to have a natural ebb and flow about it. I never seem to be inspired by more than one thing at a time. Well, I guess that wouldn't really be possible, because when I'm in the midst of an inspiration, I'm already there. Anyway, I'm leaving that in too. It's funny I wrote that, because technically I was working on a different game when the new game popped in. But the new one was way more powerful, and the other one is almost done. This kind of thing seems to be happening more and more. Yay!

The Bumper Year

 

Feeling on track is a lot better than feeling adrift. I've really only felt “on track” a few times. But it is those times that make the rest of the journey worthwhile. I have to imagine that a lot of people are feeling that way now. Finally getting back to some sense of “normalcy” after more than a year of confusion. That's another reason why the timing of my resurgence seems so apropos. I've gotten really lucky, and have been able to use the last year to be as creative as possible. And now that things are opening back up, I am able to hit the ground running. Well, kind of. As usual, some parts “yes” and some parts “no.” Just the fact that I can dream again, and imagine again, and see that the path is still there, is enough motivation for me at this time. For a long time there it seemed hard to see past all the nonsense. Sometimes I think maybe this quarantine was a blessing in disguise. I know people have had a hard time, and are still having a hard time. I don't mean to make light of their struggle. I know if this had happened 5 or 6 years ago, I don't know what I would've done. We had 1 dinky computer, no WIFI to speak of, no laptop, no unlimited data. I honestly do not know what we would have done. I'm sure we would've figured out something, but I can't think of what right now. But for us, it happened at the exact right time. We could do something about it. I have to imagine that we aren't the only ones. That is one of my core essential feelings: No matter how unique a person is, if you feel a way, someone else feels that way too.

In general, on paper, I don't think taking a little more than a year off to reevaluate your situation is a “bad” thing. Having no income and no place to go is undesirable, but time to reflect is essential. I know back before I left “home” I was offered an opportunity to maintain my current living status for a year, while I decided what direction I wanted to go. At that time, I felt my current living status was part of the problem. The last thing I wanted was another year of it, I wanted change. Now, the idea of a “Bumper Year” is fairly common. We actually suggested our daughter take a Bumper Year, but she wasn't interested either. Which in itself is kind of funny. We didn't really think she wanted to go where she “said” she wanted to go. We didn't really think she wanted to do what she “said” she wanted to do. But we wanted to support her, and her decisions, so we found a way to send her to her “dream school.” That didn't even last 6 months. Then she decided a Bumper Year sounded like a good idea. And guess what? Now she's killing it! She took some time off, figured out what she really wanted to get involved in. Took some time to slough off the childishness of High School, and get her head straight for involvement in the “real” world. I think having that time to think is invaluable. Granted, we, as adults, do not always have that kind of time to reflect. For most of us, a year without income causes more stress than relief. But I also think in a lot of ways, it could have caused growth for a lot of people.

Unfortunately, in my experience, you grow most when things are challenging. That's kind of the sucky part. You learn, or at least should learn, all of these coping skills when things are not going your way, and you can only truly appreciate them once the turmoil is over. That is why it is said that “Hindsight is always 20/20.” Only afterwards can we truly see what the completed experience has done for us. Perhaps a person was laid off from a job they didn't like. Sure, it paid the bills, but they weren't “happy.” Maybe after their Reflection Time they thought of what would make them happy. Or perhaps they found another gig that “pays the bills,” but they actually find more fulfillment doing this job over the other. So they basically somehow “stumbled” into a more meaningful existence. If we don't take time to do this in our “normal” lives we miss all kinds of opportunities to change. Granted, there are people, perhaps a lot of people, who do not really like change. Change can be a disruptor. But, and I really mean this from the bottom of my heart, change is necessary. We have to change, it is inevitable. As bothersome as that may be to some people, the truth is that “Change is the only constant.” So some people fight it. To no avail. Therefore my suggestion is to cause change. When you initiate change, and welcome the new set of experiences you'll learn, the natural change that occurs won't be so daunting. When you find a way to bring on turmoil in a creative way, and choose the discipline that will in essence make life tougher on yourself for a little while, “normal” life changes won't be that big a deal.

Doing The Math

 

Well, if someone had told me it had been 7 years since I last posted, I probably wouldn't have believed them. I'm sure if I did the math, I could have figured it out. But I doubt I would have even remembered the last one I posted. Re-reading it just now, I was blown away at how long ago that seems. It's also interesting because now that I think about it, that was at exactly about the same time that everything started changing. I fully came on here expecting to write something new. To restart something that used to give me so much joy. I was going to try posting on some site called Vocal. It just seemed a little too “proper” for what I'm actually doing. I had a whole new idea. Well, maybe not a new idea, but a conscience rebooting of an old favorite. When Vocal didn't seem to be what I wanted, I thought “What about the Blog I used to write?” I found it, and my password even still worked! Then I decided to re-read the last one, to check my format and see where I left off. And that brings us to right now. I had no intention of continuing my old story line. But, now that I've read it, I have an urge to get you “caught” up. However, I was not really particularly fond of what I had written. Also, there's almost no reason to “catch” you up, considering it's been 7 years. It's been a crazy, full 7 years, and there are probably things that will come up, but, in general, I'm going to assume you haven't been sitting around waiting to hear how things have gone. I will resist the temptation, and try sticking with the new idea.

It is odd though. The whole point of starting up again, kind of stemmed from the feeling that I'm once again on a precipice. Life is changing. Again. It mostly started this past weekend. I was at my parents house for Memorial Day weekend. For some reason we were randomly watching some show about people mountain biking in Zion National Park. That's when it dawned on me that my parents had taken me to Zion National Park Memorial Day weekend in 1991. I was about to join the Navy, and they thought a road trip would be a good way to spend some quality time with each other before I left. Then it hit me: that was 30 years ago! It seemed so random to watch this show shot in the same place I was 30 years ago, on the same day, with the same people! It started some kind of cascade in my mind. And that leads me to sitting right here, right now, exactly 30 years ago to the day that I went to Boot Camp. What a trip! I'm at a new place in my life, and thought I should start doing this again. Not just because I enjoy it, but for the sake of being able to look back, with clarity. Then when I saw how long ago it had been, and what was going on 7 years ago, I knew I made the right choice. Because not only was that 7 year gap a kind of detour, but the last 30 years have been a detour too! It's like some kind of convergence, just when I needed it. Life has a peculiar way of making sure you get the point. Which, in essence, is the entire reason for any of this, getting the point.

I knew I wasn't going to be a lifer. In the military a “lifer” is a person who plans to make a career out of the military. I knew I wasn't. I had just finished my first year of community college, I had just been dumped by my long time girlfriend, and I wanted to get the hell out of Palmdale. I had no prospects, no idea what I wanted to do, and no money to do anything with. The Navy seemed like an easy choice. All the other men in my family served, so I would too. Plus, it would give me time to think. Time to think. Just so we're clear, I'm still thinking. I was never going to be a lifer. I still can't believe I re-enlisted! I thought I was going to do my 4 years and bail. But, at then end of 4 years, I hadn't figured anything out yet. I was sure I'd know more by the end of the second enlistment. That didn't happen. Although, by that time, I did know that the Navy was not for me. I knew I would rather die of starvation than go through that anymore. I no longer have anything against the military, it is an excellent opportunity for a lot of people. It just didn't work for me. And, just for the record, nothing else up to this point has worked for me either. Which is why I say it was like a detour. I didn't really take the time to figure out what I wanted to do when I was young, and now 30 years later, I'm still wondering what I should be when I grow up. Other people I know are thinking about retirement in another decade or so, and here I am wondering what I'm going to be. That is a long detour! I do, finally, think I have a good grasp on my future, and what I'd like to see happen. Which is what brings us to this point now. I may finally be on track, and this is how I make sense of things.