Remembering An Old Friend

      Here we are, the last day of August, the precipice of September. Things are not slowing down. I thought they would. At least for a little bit. But they are not. Tonight, a bunch of us are going to the car show in La Mesa. It’s the last one of the season. It’s kind of cool. There’s a band we all kind of like called The Farmers. They used to be The Beat Farmers back in the 80’s, but now, due to line-up changes, they’re just The Farmers. A friend of ours died 7 years ago. A lot of us have not seen each other since his passing, which is why someone decided to organize this event. It’ll be good to see everyone again. I’m not actually sure how many people will be there who I don’t see on a regular basis. It’s kind of a weird thing because a lot of us met each other due to this person. His name was Joe, he owned a bar in La Mesa called Joe n’ Andy’s. A lot of us started hanging out there when we were 21. I’ll let you do the math. Pretty much every single person I know, I know because of Joe. A lot of the people I’m talking about went to school together. There are 2 main high schools in La Mesa, and pretty much both laid claim to the bar. Luckily people put away their childish high school drama, so there weren’t any “rivalry” issues. Joe was so nice, and really good at personal relations. He would introduce people to each other, and generally cared about people. Everyone loved him. Some of us spent most of our adult life in and out of that bar. When he passed, I was a little concerned that I would no longer have a “friend group,” because he was the kingpin of the whole thing. The fact that we all still get together is priceless to me. It was because of that guy, and that bar, and those people, that my life has gone in the direction that it has.

     I first heard about the bar because my friend’s band was playing there. I had never even heard of La Mesa. I fell in love instantly. It was such a small town, with cobblestone crosswalks, and old brick buildings, it looked like something out of a painting. My friend Will and I used to hang out at this bar in a different part of San Diego, and when that place sold, we picked Joe n’ Andy’s for our new hang out. We used to get together every Tuesday. And it seemed like perfect timing, because we had just found this place, as our other place was closing, it was cosmic. We started to get to know people, Joe introduced us to a lot of people. Our band started playing there regularly. Then when it came time for me to buy a house, I logically decided to move to this town I had fallen in love with. Will followed. We started making a lot of friends. But, sometimes in the bar-scene, it’s difficult to know who your “friends” are, verses people who just hang out where you hang out. As we all got older it became more clear. Some people got their lives together and stopped hanging out as much. But we’d still see each other at Fight Nights and other such events. So, the bonds were still there. And I realize now that I’m writing this, and I’ve had this thought before, that I probably wouldn’t have made all of those connections without Will. I am not that outgoing. He was, and probably still is, I don’t know because it’s been 20 years since we’ve spoken. He moved across the country, and we just kind of lost contact. I got lucky because I met my wife a month after Will moved. Now she’s my outgoing person, so the relationships kept being built. Both bands I’m in, and every friend I have, is because I went to see a show in La Mesa. And tonight, we celebrate being friends.

     Wow, I wasn’t expecting to get into it that much, but hey, sometimes it happens. Then on Saturday we’re having brunch with one of Susan’s cousins. I don’t know if I ever told you my wife’s name before, it’s Susan. Her cousin’s name is Anthony. We get together a couple of times a year. He’s quite a bit younger than us, but he’s a nice guy. But now there’s all this pressure about where to go. We just saw him a month ago. Oh well, it’ll be fine. Then on Sunday it’s the Calvin’s drummer’s birthday. It’s at his house, with a pool, so it should be fun. I hope it’s not too crazy. Then Labor Day with my parents. Sheesh! That doesn’t sound like a slow down to me! The following weekend is our anniversary, so we’ll go out of town for that, which is kind of like downtime, but not really. You don’t generally go out of town to sit around and do nothing. Then we’ll finally have an open calendar for a weekend. The weekend after that the Eruption has a show. The weekend after that we’re going camping. Which again, sounds like downtime but it really isn’t. Well, it kind of is, but not comfortable downtime. I don’t even know what the hell I’m complaining about right now. I sit around in comfort almost all day long during the week. I’ve got more downtime than a corpse. Writing that all out, then realizing what I was saying, and how I was saying it snapped me out of it. It’s not that I want to avoid people all together. But sometimes I feel like we don’t have to plan something for every weekend. I mean, we are just coming out of a very strange part of our life. Her father’s passing took a toll on everyone. From the planning, to the event, to her sister’s extended stay, there has been a lot going on, and I’m not sure she’s had time to process it all yet.

Dealing With Things

      I’d like to say: “Last of the crazy weeks!” But then I realize that it’s almost September, and it’s picking up all over again. Oh well, at least the craziness to come is less stressful than the craziness that is about to be passed. Supposedly the sister-in-law leaves tomorrow. My wife swears she’s taking a break from visiting her mom after this week. She generally goes over every Tuesday, but after having been over there 3 or 4 nights a week, for the past 6 weeks, she says she needs a break. I’m sure her mom does too. House guests for a month!? That can’t be easy for anyone. I hope she’s been able to deal with some of the things she needs to deal with. It can’t be easy to go back to the empty home she found her father dead in, especially when she doesn’t really seem to have anything going on up there. “Up there” being Northern California where she lives. In a way I feel bad for her. I know everyone grieves differently, but that also leaves room for those who don’t grieve at all. From what I’ve heard, read, and seen grief needs dealt with. As far as I can tell, she’s never really dealt with anything. If we’re not in the practice of getting over things, it’s not a skill we “pick up.” Without someone being there, helping you through, or at least guiding you through how to process, the wound stays open. And, unfortunately, I think she has a lot of open wounds. I think they all do. Some lesser than others, but it seems like “dealing with the problem” was not taught in their household. It was more of a “don’t talk about it, and it will just go away” household. In my experience, nothing goes away. And, if you tuck it down for too long, it starts to affect your behavior in ways you would never even know. Lives get ruined by not facing the truth.

     I suppose we all have it somewhat. There are probably things in our memory banks that caused us grief when we were little that we don’t even know about, and have never dealt with. I guess that’s part of life’s journey, discover these little tidbits, so that we can eliminate them from our behavioral repertoire. I even noticed myself while I was typing this, I was going to type “I’m a big fan of dealing with things head on, as soon as there seems to be an issue.” Then I thought about the toilet in the back bedroom, that I haven’t got around to fixing yet. Then the sink in the kitchen started gurgling again, reminding me that I haven’t taken care of that yet either. I actually got up to put a damper over the drain hole, so it doesn’t distract me while I do this. So, I did something about it, but at the same time it reminded me that I don’t really take care of things as soon as possible. So, in a way, I did something as soon as possible, but I should have tried to deal with the issue a while back. But since I’ve found a way to relieve my irritation, the actual problem still exists. Much like what I’ve been kind of writing about. Although, I will say, in personal relationships I feel it is much better to get right at it, and since that’s what I was writing about, I feel it still might fit. Taking apart a machine I know nothing about and trying to solve a problem I know nothing about seems a little more complicated than asking someone: “Are you alright?” “You don’t seem to be acting like yourself lately, is everything alright?” You don’t have to be a scientist to listen. Many of us have more natural wisdom than we give ourselves credit for. I credit that to constantly being told, or shown, that we need someone else to make these tough life decisions for us.

     Whoa, I’m getting a little deeper than I thought that I would. (Insert juvenile joke here) But to me that’s one of the great benefits of life, being able to see the connectedness of things. Writing about dealing with the grieving process led me to take a look at how I say I feel about something, and about how my actions match how I say I feel about it. Now I can take the time to reflect on how I deal with things. There are so many ways for us to get closer to our real truth, and as I have heard said before, the unexamined life is not worth living. We need to be checking ourselves. We need to be evaluating whether or not we’re living up to our standard. We need to know if we have a standard! Going back to something I touched on earlier, a lot of us, well, I guess all of us, start off being told what to do. We’re little kids, we need told what to do. But ideally, we’re being told what to do with the idea that we will one day be people capable of thinking for ourselves. This does not seem to be the case in a lot of cases. It feels like an overwhelming amount of people are not being trained to think for themselves. And now we’re kind of stuck with all of these people that are incredibly indecisive and without knowing it, are living in a state where they need to, or want to, be told everything. Not ever having been given the feeling that they are capable of understanding their own needs. It makes people dependent rather than independent. And what’s worse, is that seemingly a lot of these people who have this desire hidden in them, don’t even like following the rules or being told what to do! It creates an unsustainable existence, and eventually the person will crack. I just hope that when they “crack,” it is the revelation of truth that frees them.

Glad To Be Alive And Paying Attention

      Heat wave! Golly, it literally feels like we went from heater to air conditioner. Usually, we have a good amount of in-between time, but this year, there wasn’t. Hopefully we’ll get some this Autumn. I prefer the word Autumn to Fall. It feels better. Although, my hope is probably not in the cards this year. I just saw a report on TV that was showing our region’s hottest temperatures by month, and September is usually the hottest! Oh man, this does not sound good. At least I have AC, and the means to pay for it. I know we’re not the worst, there are plenty of places all over the country, and all over the world, who have it much worse, but still, for the person experiencing it, it is as bad as they’ve had. I stepped outside for a minute, and it was like: “oof.” Every square inch of my body encapsulated by heat. We’re not used to this much humidity. I don’t know how the humid states deal with it on a regular basis. I don’t know how you can get used to sweating just because you live. I guess if you’ve never known any different, it makes no difference to you, that’s just how it is. May they continue to enjoy their existence where they are, and not come here seeking a new climate. There’s a lot of talk now about people “fleeing” the state of California due to the expensiveness. I’m not sure if that’s detracting from all of the people who wish to be here. I just have this sneaking suspicion that wherever the “fleers” go, that place will probably not be that glad to have them. I have this feeling that California “red” is a lot of other place’s “blue.” Maybe I’m wrong, I don’t know, obviously, but I am interested in seeing how the next few years goes for people. It is certainly an interesting time to be alive and paying attention.

     Speaking of paying attention, as this is supposed to be the last week my sister-in-law is in town, my wife has been over visiting with her most of the week. I say: “supposed to be,” because I just got word that she may be staying for another week! This has been a long visit! Anyway, before I forget, because my wife has been visiting so much, it’s kind of been like I was a bachelor this week. And I have to say: “I don’t cause that much trash by myself.” Trash day is tomorrow, and looking around, I’ve been amazed at how little trash has been produced this week. Normally I may not have noticed, but since we’ve had to change the way everything gets thrown away now, I’m more observant. It’s funny how just 1 person can make such a big difference. Then, it gets me thinking about how many households are actually doing what we’re supposed to be doing. I know change is hard for people, and I have to imagine that there are, probably more than a few, people not disposing of things properly. If just 1 person makes a huge difference in the amount of trash, imagine a whole city of people! It’s kind of wild when you think about it. I know we collectively have to change our ways. I don’t know how caring about your amount of refuse became a “liberal” thing. None of us should want there to be an island of plastic floating in the ocean. None of us should want the landfills so full that nothing else can fit, and the land is practically useless forever. I’m also curious about whether we’re going to get to have any of this compost that we’re supposedly helping make. I’m not sure if it’s happening where you are, but they’ve started making us separate our compostable materials, to keep them out of the landfill, and to provide usable compost. But it’s never been said when, where, or if we’re ever going to be able to have any. That makes me a little suspicious.

     On a lighter note, the Calvins have a show in Long Beach this weekend! We’re stoked! It’s an all-evening event. We’ve got a hotel room, it’s going to be epic. I haven’t partied in a while, ‘cause I’m always concerned about making sure I get home safely. But not Saturday night, I’m tearing it up. I didn’t realize until I wrote that that “tear- water from eye,” and “tear- to rip” are spelled the same, so to be clear, I doubt I’ll be doing any crying. Although you never know. Last Saturday the Calvins went back to the studio to see if we can make our album sound the way it should. And we did! I am happy to report that my notes were taken. There were no issues, personally. No heated exchanges, no loud outbursts, it was about as amicable as could be expected. We left there stoked! A few hours later, we were sent the tracks. I was over at my mother-in-law’s house, so I went outside to listen in my car. I teared up. Yes, water from the eyes. I was so worried about the potential conflict, that when there wasn’t any, I was relieved. I got what I wanted. What I thought “we” should want. And it went great. A lot of effort was put in, and it sounds great. I was very glad that my bandmates accepted my ideas. They expressed how much I contribute and how happy they are that “we” did this thing together. It really is awesome. Better than could be imagined. I think people might like it. Speaking of people liking it, we played this show a month or so ago at Bolt Brewing in La Mesa. It was awesome. It was the 1^st official Punks & Brews event. We killed it! By “we” I mean everyone. The event was a success. They’re actually doing another one this Saturday, but we’re busy. However, at the last one, unbeknownst to the rest of us, there was a reporter there from a local magazine. I just read the article and he loved it. The Calvins got about a paragraph write-up all to ourselves! He seemed to have really liked us. This could really be the start of some pretty amazing stuff.

Prepping To Make Final Decisions

      Only a few more days left of the sister-in-law visit! I’m glad my wife is getting to spend time with her sister, but this is starting to feel like a lot. I know I can say “no,” and have done so a couple of times, but I don’t want to be “that guy.” One of her sisters was only in town for 4 days with her family, and she was already telling the others that her husband was going to “hate her for this.” Hate her for spending time with her family? Hate her for finally making the introductions after 13 years? I definitely don’t want to be that guy. One time when we were sitting around, he told me that once his youngest is 18, him and his wife are moving off the grid, to be self-sustained. I’ve got no problem with wanting to be self-sufficient, I’ve got no problem with people wanting to be left alone. What I do have a problem with is people abandoning their obligations and not being honest with those whom which they are involved. Their oldest son is on the spectrum. He’s as nice a kid as you could meet, but he’s probably going to need at least a little help, for the rest of his life. He’s 13 and his favorite show is Sesame Street. The more time I spend with him, the more obvious it becomes that this is not a phase, and he has some problems with social cues. His younger brother is 11. Sweet kid too. He seems to be a typical, level-headed, juvenile. When he was with my wife, he mentioned that he knew about his dad’s plan, and is already, at 11 years old, planning on taking care of his brother for the rest of his life, because his parents want to live in the woods. Un-fucking-believable! I can’t believe my sister-in-law would sign up for this. It doesn’t make any sense. She likes to get her hair did, I can’t imagine she’ll be cool out in the woods being a farmer.

     Not that there’s anything wrong with being a farmer, but I’m telling you, this is a city girl. They live in the sticks now, and she feels isolated. The other concern is that there is talk of my mother-in-law, and her boyfriend, moving to Tennessee to be near the family. Well, I’m sure the lower housing costs have something to do with it too, but at least originally, it started off as this idea to be closer to that branch of the family. And now we find out that that branch of the family’s plan is to move away from everyone!? It doesn’t make any sense. So now I’m wondering if my mother-in-law knows or not. We’re not even sure if she’s really going. It seems like a lot of talk right now, but still, it has people thinking. It’s kind of difficult to make life changing decisions if the people you are making those plans with aren’t being completely up front and honest. Plus, my mother-in-law keeps making it about being with the boys. But by the time she goes, if she goes, they’ll be well into their teens. I have a hard time believing they’ll have a bunch of time for grandma. Well, one of them might. I don’t know why I get so irritated. It doesn’t even really affect me. My wife will be sad, but it won’t really affect me that much at all. I just hope she knows about this whole plan before she makes any big decisions. I don’t want to see her get screwed because of some lack of communication. It’s also unnerving because she has another daughter that lives in Arizona with 2 boys under 5, both on the spectrum! That’s someone who needs help. Her husband is fairly hands off, and I think could probably use an extra set of hands, and eyes, to keep the ship sailing smoothly. But that doesn’t even seem to be a consideration, which I find odd. Oh well, like I said, it doesn’t really concern me, I have no say. I just want people to think things through.

     This Sunday we’re supposedly going to spread my father-in-law’s ashes. When I asked my wife where we were going, she seemed to have no clue. I thought that was peculiar. She seemed to really want to spread them at Jack Murphy Stadium, but they probably wouldn’t have let us even if it was still standing. Apparently, he didn’t like the beach, so that’s out. So, it seems that we’ll just drive around the mountains until we find a spot that looks good. Hopefully, between my wife and her sister, they’ll have some epiphany in the next couple of days as to where we should go. I just thought it was weird that they didn’t already have a spot in mind. I guess you never know what you’ll think about until you have to. I’m just glad I’m here to be able to say things like: “Where?” Along with that, the Calvins get to go back to the studio on Saturday to finish up the final mix on our new EP. We listened together the other night, to make sure we had some kind of plan going in. We don’t want to waste time arguing while we’re paying. My bandmates did not have the same concerns as me. Which I guess is expected. But they didn’t seem to have that many notes. I had a small sheet. 2 of the 4 songs only needed minor changes. We’re stoked about that. I’m just not sure why this time is so different than the last time. I actually thought it was going to be smoother because he had already worked with us before, but it hasn’t felt like it. Last time we were in and out. Now, it’s been almost a month since we recorded. I’m not sure what’s going on. I know the tracks sound mostly good. I know I hope I get my way. And I know it will sound awesome if we can get it right. I didn’t notice too much opposition to my list of notes, so we should be fine.

Everything Is Reminding

      First post in August! 8 months in, and haven’t missed one yet. I’m pretty happy about that. I’d like to say that things are finally getting back to “normal,” but it still doesn’t quite feel like it. Pretty much all of my wife’s family left soon after the service, but one of her sisters decided to stay here a little longer with her daughter. Her daughter has special needs. It doesn’t seem too bad, you can definitely tell, and she’s going to have to be taken care of for the rest of her life, but for the most part she’s just “different.” It’s summer, so she doesn’t have school, so her mom figured: “Why not stay a while.” At home, in Humbolt, they would be alone. My father-in-law, who just passed, was living with them. I guess it’s kind of hard being up there with the noticeable absence. I kind of feel bad for her. She’s the one who found him deceased. What a nightmare. I heard she just keeps the door closed where she found him. I couldn’t imagine trying to get that image out of your head. Not only that, but she was put in a situation which no one would ever really want to be in. She became a grandmother at 38, she was taking care of her ailing father, and she has a teenager with special needs, who can barely be left alone. No one would ask for that. Especially her. She has a reputation for being a bit self-centered, and for her to take on the role of care giver must have been quite a shock. But she took to it. It has, in a way, humbled her some. My wife’s been going over to see her often. She figures: “Why not? When am I going to get to see her this much again?” And I get it. My sister only lives 7 minutes from me, and I still barely see her, so I’m not exactly in the same boat, but I am empathetic towards my wife’s desire to be sisterly.

     While my sister-in-law and niece are in town, they are staying at my mother-in-law’s house, the same one the girls grew up in. It’s about 20-25 minutes away from where we live, so it’s not really all that far. But there has still been quite a bit of back and forth. We go over one night for dinner, my wife decides to spend the night to “hang out” with her sister. I have to go back the next day to pick her up. Since I’m coming over, we should all have dinner together. That kind of stuff. It’s not too bad, but this is going on weeks now. And there are still a few more to go! I don’t think they’re leaving until the 13^th or something. Serenity now! No, I’m just kidding, it’s not that bad. And, I can say “no” if I want to. But I want to be a good husband, I want my niece to know who I am, and I want people to know that they aren’t alone. My sister-in-law seems to wish that my wife was on vacation too, but alas, that is not the case. And I’m glad that on most occasions, my wife has chosen to come home and get a good night's sleep before work. However, the weekend is coming up again, which means more family moments! I just hope that it is helping ease the pain. For some reason, and I’ll never ask, my mother-in-law leaves up 2 Christmas trees all year round. 1 in the front room, and 1 in the back room. The back room is so crowded with stuff, I can’t believe she feels the need for decoration back there, but she does. They both have lights, but they’re never on. Unless there’s a celebration. So, for the party we just had, they decorated the tree int the front room with pictures of the deceased. The girls trying to decide which pictures to put up was an emotionally wrenching ordeal, and I can assure you that the 2 left taking them down were saddened again.

     Everything is reminding. That can’t be fun. My father-in-law was not the best person. Things happened, that I’ll not get into, because it’s not really my, or your, business. But I will say this, my wife is doing a really good job at keeping it positive. She has to keep reminding herself that it was not all bad, and that their family did have fun and was loving. She’s doing really good at remembering the best parts, and not the parts she wishes she didn’t know. Her other sisters were either too young to remember, or have chosen not to, and don’t have the same feelings as my wife. And so, my wife is, in a way, bearing this alone, well, with her mother, but she’ll never say anything about it. My wife is letting her sister’s naivety continue, which is about all she can do, there’s no point in bringing up dirty laundry now. Why ruin someone else’s vision? That’d be jacked up. But it seems to be helping my wife deal with it, just thinking about the good times. I’ve noticed through this whole process that there seems to be something important about going through it with people in the same boat as you. I am sad for my wife, and sad for all the people affected by this loss. But I do not have the same sadness for the loss. I only met the guy a couple of times, so there wasn’t much of a bond that got broken. I can be a shoulder to cry on, and a sounding board, but I have no idea what it’s like, and even when my parents go, it will be different. Only my sister and I will know what it’s like. It’ll be quite different. My parents don’t have any friends. There will only be a couple of us that will miss them. It’s weird. Almost everyone at the service hadn’t seen my wife since she was 10! It was almost as if they were mourning this idea from the past, not a person.