The Eve Of My 50th

      Sitting here on the eve of my 50^th birthday. I honestly wasn’t sure I was going to make it this far. The older I get the more I am aware that other people have felt that way too, but it always seems like just something people say. I really wasn’t sure. But I did! So that’s all that really matters right now. I’ve got a few things going on, and I almost pushed this off, but then when I realized it’s the last before I hit what seems to be the big one, I knew I had to. I’m trying to cram it in. I only have an hour left before I have to go, so I’m doing my best. Getting old is a little weird, obviously. But the part that gets me the most, is personal, obviously, because I don’t feel old. I know I’m getting older. I know I think differently than I did when I was younger, and I know my body is not what it once was. But, in general, I still feel like the same person. I’m still in a couple of rock bands. I’m still having a good time navigating this enigma we call life. I still look forward to the days ahead. My best days are still ahead of me. I still spend my time doing what I’ve been spending my time doing my whole life. I’m still me. I don’t even realize the visual changes until I see an old photo of myself. Then it’s like “Oh.” I look at pictures of my friends online, and I often feel “How do I have so many old looking friends?” I can see it in others, but I don’t often look at old pictures of myself. Thanks to Facebook’s memories, I do get reminded. I’m not trying to hide it. I’m proud of my journey. One of the things I’m kind of stoked about is almost all of my friends are letting it happen. Wrinkles, grey hair, lack of modern fashion, we seem fine with the path we’re on.

     Today is also my wife’s second day back at the old office. She’s stoked! It really feels like times are changing for the better. We’ve been on a strange run recently, but it’s all starting to feel like it’s falling into place. It somehow feels like it’ll be easier to move on to bigger and better things now that we have one of our tracks in place. This job she has gone back to is the right choice. She has room to grow, she’s being put on the path towards that growth, and people are excited to have her. Plus, this is a place she can, and more than likely will, retire from. A few years back we were working at a place that we thought we’d retire from. There’s something kind of comforting about knowing that your set for a while. I know the modern concept seems to be that you keep moving, but that doesn't feel so well as you age. Stability, structure, consistency, these are things that only seem to be important after you’ve lacked them. Happiness can come from something other than a paycheck. More money does not always mean “better.” We might have to figure a few things out, but getting away from the confusion of “what’s going to happen?” is a relief. It’s like we’ve solved for A, now we can think about B and C. Sorry, my mind often turns things into an algebra equation. I didn’t mean to make you think of math on your day off. So, things are still a little wild. I guess technically she’s still working both jobs. Which seems odd. I took her up to the office 2 weeks ago, when I thought she told them she quit. Which I guess technically she did. But they still want her help. So, it’s almost like they didn’t accept her resignation. Which is in a way, kind of good, because they are still going to pay her, and know she isn’t fully involved.

     Double pay for a month!? Okay. Especially since the amount of effort is minimal. Knowing she’s almost done is helping a lot. Apparently, the company she’s leaving just hired a CFO, so it’ll all be over soon. It’s kind of funny how some jobs you need to recover from. This is her third job like that. Which is one of the things that makes her newly recognized happiness all the better. You can’t hate going to work every day. You can’t fix things people don’t want fixed. I know a lot of people will say that you just need to change your mental outlook. But when you know you can’t help, and feel like the ship is sinking, all the mental attitude in the world will only make the inevitable more tolerable. I’m still the chauffer, until she gets her license back. Hopefully February. Taking her 15 minutes away is a lot better than an hour. She had to go into the office she’s leaving on Wednesday to meet with the CFO candidate. I had to take her, because the drunk carpool lady isn’t supposed to drive. But she was in the office! This lady wrecked her and someone else’s car, put herself and someone else, in the hospital! And then has the nerve to rent a car and continue on about her life as if nothing has ever happened. To this day she has not mentioned it to my wife. No “sorry,” no “sorry I can’t drive you,” nothing. That seems weird. Apparently, the drunk woman hasn’t said anything to anyone about it. Like it never fucking happened. Unbelievable. Anyway, it was kind of weird because I went up and sat there at a desk all day, working on my stuff. Laptops are a delight. Working anywhere! Are you kidding? That part of the modern era is cool. It’s just odd, because they all know why I’m there. They’re nice to me, it’s just odd, because they know, but don’t care. I may have to take her up a few more times, and will do so with a smile, because I can.