I forced myself to attempt this. Being in constant pain is no fun. I have a headset I could use, with a program to type what I say. I used to use it a lot when I was dictating my book. But I never unpacked it when we moved. So it's not set up, and I'm still not exactly sure where it is. It might help. But looking for it now would be kind of moot because I can still only really use one hand. I don't think I can do the kind of looking I'd need to do with just one hand. Holding my hand up off the keyboard is a real pain in the wrist. I should have unpacked years ago. I sometimes feel like I'm wasting time. We moved 2 years ago! I haven't worked on my book since. We never finished unpacking. 2 years! Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about what I could've accomplished with that much time. But it seems like I spend a lot of time recovering. Ever since we've moved in, it seems like I've not been well. Whatever this malady is, seems to just be moving around to different body parts. Not much fun. I try not to get too down on myself, because healing is important too, but it feels like that's all I do. Some of these things take months to end. Not fun. I hope we're getting a better handle on it. Mother's Day was the best I felt in months. That was the first time in a while where I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then, by that evening, it worsened. I was so bummed. That was also the day that my mother asked if I was still working on my book. I told her what I told you. Am I that obvious of a quitter?
I'm not quitting! I just do things in stages. And sometimes circumstances change. But it definitely got me thinking about how much time I've wasted sitting around here waiting to be “better.” Now it's even more in my face, because I can definitely type when my feet are hurting! But my wrist?! I apologize, I don't want to be a “poor me.” The lion inside me keeps trying to get me to stop whining. It can see past all of the nonsense. I know deep inside that I am still currently working on it. This right here is a part of working on it. I don't stop trying to have the ideas make sense in my head. I have the rough draft in the computer! But so much stuff changes when you've been working on a project so long. If I had produced what this thing was originally going to be it would probably have been a joke. And it does feel like when you're trying to put the concept of Man's eternal struggle into a manageable structure to be able to share with people, it takes time! I have a very strong feeling that all of the books we've read by all of the past philosophers and sages, were written by people with a lot of time to think. It seems almost impossible to get a grasp on the Almighty when you're being bogged down to frustration in dealing with the mundane milieu of daily American life. And it is those kinds of thoughts that calm me down. I know I'm missing a few pieces. I also know they are on their way. Every step of my existence is preparing for this. I'm really the only one pressuring myself. It's hard to justify one's existence when your life is tied to something within your own head. My wife doesn't seem to mind.
And so I keep pushing. Editing as I go. Feeling stronger about the parts that continue to remain true, and not much thinking of the thoughts that have gone by the wayside. Trying to remain optimistic about the things I'm getting to do now. My entire life I've wanted to do a Stand Up routine, and it's happening in less than 2 weeks! That's something! I'm so excited. My classes are finally over, and now that I don't have to worry about people judging my writing, I feel like I can just relax and prepare for the performance. It's funny because, now that I've gotten their “okay,” I keep thinking about throwing other stuff in. I know I shouldn't. But I keep thinking about it. Because they changed some of my stuff, I feel, in a way, that I'm kind of telling “their” jokes. Realistically probably only 2 or 3. It just feels good to have the set complete. I don't know why I keep thinking about messing with it. Figuring sh*t out, that's why we're here. I keep having a dilemma about continuing with comedy. Part of me feels old. I'm not sure how younger audiences will take to what I have to say. The lion thinks I shouldn't care about that. The other part of me keeps having this feeling like I'd rather be talking to people about things that are important. I don't really think I want to just hurry up and make people laugh. I feel fairly confident that just my naturally way of being allows a lot of laughter to come through. I like making people laugh, but I'd much rather people think I'm thoughtful and thought provoking, instead of just funny. And who knows, there may be a way to tie it all together, but until then I'll just keep being me.
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