It May Be Weird, But...

      It's weird setting a time and date to be creative. In my experience creativity is usually something that happens to you, not something to do. Although I do feel that if you're creative often enough, when the time is present, you'll just slip into your natural creative mode. Which in this situation is literally to just start typing. After all, I can always go back and change it. Even though you and I both know that won't happen. It's also weird for me to have that feeling in general. In my band, we always start off practice with 3 improvised jams. No rehearsed material, no “gonna be a song somedays,” just immediate, present, creativity. We do that on a specific day, and at a specific time. Also at dinner time. I usually have a general idea of what I'm going to make. But, the making of the dish itself is always open to creativity. I never make the same thing twice, and am constantly improvising during the creation. And that happens at a specific day and time. So now it seems weird to have started off with a line, and sentiment, that I basically negated in 196 words. But is it negated though? Whoa, I'm really flopping around on this one. Even though I practice spontaneous creativity that doesn't necessarily mean it's not weird. Natural things don't need practiced. Much. I'm sure there are plenty of people in our world that would be terrified to be creative on the spot. There are probably large portions of our population that would never attempt to deviate from the recipe. So I guess just because I happen to do it, that doesn't make it not weird. After all, I have been accused, a time or two, of being weird. So if I'm doing it, it may be weird.

     I guess this is kind of practicing immediate creativity too. Part of the point I guess. I suppose I like to think that I spend a whole week thinking about what I'm going to write on writing day. But I don't. I suppose I'd like to think that it's actually a long form narrative, and that I will build off of what I wrote last week. But I don't. I don't want to re-read last week's version, and try to summon my memory on what I thought I may have been babbling about last time. That's not me. I'm trying to be spontaneously creative! But that, unfortunately, leaves some substance to be desired from time to time. And these days substance is a little low. I suppose I'd like to think that my life is so full of interesting tidbits that I would never lack for material. But I do. Although I don't really think I should. It's just weird right now because of the Olympics. Well, the Olympics, and the fact that I'm still just barely recovering from the Sisters-in-law visit. That kind of ruled my life for a little bit, and now right into the Olympics. I like watching the Olympics. I like seeing all the stuff I never usually get to see. It's exciting! Plus, this is the first time that I have ever had a large enough cable package that I can see all that they are offering. I think it's good to see where we as people are at every once in a while. That's how I look at it. I'm not one of those “I hope USA dominates everyone” people. I look at it as more of what Human Beings are capable of. It's good to have that measuring stick, every 4 years see how far the Human Species has evolved.

     Reading about someone watching TV is not really entertainment. Sorry Shia! Oh my gosh, suddenly, it just occurred to me that my bands had a show! I can't believe it. I've been sitting here typing for nearly an hour about how not much is going on, and I totally forgot I had a show! We kicked *ss! I'm in 2 bands. Well technically I'm kind of in 4 bands, but that sounds like a different topic for a different day. I'm in 2 actual bands. I play bass in a punk rock band, and I have my own band which is harder to explain. We'll call it heavy groove. We often play together. We have the same friends, and it just makes it easier to get everyone together for both, instead of trying to get people to come out more often. All of our friends are older now, just like us, and don't want to be out that late too often. But man I tell you what, people wanted to be out that night! We packed that place. The coolest part was that I only recognized a few people. I don't know who the majority of the people were. That is, technically, where you want to be. Getting new people to come see you. And it happened! Last Saturday night! And, if there can be more than one coolest part, the other coolest part was people singing along. I couldn't believe it. We play our own original songs, and people were singing along! I'm stunned. I couldn't tell too much while I was on stage. But looking, and listening, back to some of the videos people posted, I could hear people singing along. To my songs! That was one the most epic moments of my life. Now I need a tissue.

Results are Good, Whether You Like Them or Not.

 

     I entered a writing contest a little while ago. Maybe 2 months ago. I can’t really remember, I almost forgot. I thought it sounded fun. They give you a word and an action and a genre, then you have 48 hours to write a story that is only 100 words long. I had fun doing it. I knew the results should be coming out soon, but as I said, it was kind of in the back of my mind. I had been looking into other contests. You know how FB is, once you look at something, that’s all it thinks you want to see. So I’ve been inundated with suggestions of writing contests. Only a couple seemed interesting, only one I actually attempted. Well, the results came out today. I did not win. I was not in the top 15 of my “group.” My “group” was about 100 people, all writing about a Romantic Comedy involving Improvisation including the word Comfort. When I first read which group I was in, I had a good chuckle. Romantic Comedy is probably the last thing I would’ve wanted. But, oh well, that’s how the world works sometimes. That’s one of the things about trying new things, you can almost never tell how it’s going to go, or what it’s going to be like, ahead of time. Although I have found, through years of trying new things, that if you go in expecting to have fun, then you usually will. And I did. I put effort in, I enjoyed myself, and I thought I did pretty good. Narrowing down 100 words was tricky, but I thought I had a cohesive story. I’m glad I tried. I was kind of hoping I would make it to the second round, but alas that was not meant to be.

 

     I’m not too broken up about it. After all, it was my first try. And I would never in 100 years think about doing anything in the Rom-Com genre. But I did, and it was cool. The other part I thought was cool was that they provide you feedback. Some things that they liked about what you wrote, and the parts they thought could use improvement. They even provided some suggestions that may have made my story more to their liking. I appreciated that very much. It was almost like being on some kind of reality show, without the harsh criticism and fanfare.  That seemed like a nice touch. It also made me realize that I don’t want to write fiction. I don’t even like reading fiction all that much. I have enough stories going on in my head, I don’t need someone else’s imagination jumping in there. Stories. I’ve been making up stories my whole life. But I’m not really into writing fiction. Although I have no less than 5 stories that I keep in my head, just in case. I find it amusing too that I knew this ahead of time. I just wanted to try something different. And I imagine that any type of practice writing is good. Anything I can do to sit here and type, getting an idea from inside my head to the computer screen is good! That’s all I was really doing anyway. For what it counts, that’s all this is too. Practice. I do consider myself a writer. I mean, that’s what I’m doing right now, writing. Practicing for my first real effort. I do have the rough draft completed. And that’s part of being here, making sure I stay in creative mode, making writing a priority.

 

     I was getting in a real good mode at the end of 2019 and beginning of 2020. I was knocking sh*t out! Then Covid happened. And we had 2 people working from home and only 1 computer. Logically the person who gets paid to use the computer gets to use it. So I fell out of habit. Then we moved. Things got rearranged. I am just now starting to get back in the habit. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I like to start slow. Sometimes glacial. Which is an odd thing for me to deal with because I know I am a bit, some might say extremely, impatient. In general, nothing goes as fast as I think that it should. However, when it comes to my creative life, and my hopes and dreams, I’m like “Ah, there’s plenty of time.” Which I know there isn’t. I’m about to finally record some songs I wrote almost 20 years ago! Now that’s patient. I wish I could use some of that patience when I’m dealing with the f*cking idiots at the grocery store. Anyway, before I get to far off topic, that sounds like a good topic for a different day. Sometimes it’s hard to notice things unless you write them down. Something happens during the act of removing thoughts from your head and seeing them on display. And that’s kind of what happened to me today when I read their feedback. I got dinged for what I consider my style. They thought I should have used a lot more literary devices. I honestly feel that I’m trying to hone a particular way of doing this. I like what I’m working on. I don’t want to be good at writing fiction. Even if I did write fiction, I think I would still want it to sound like it was coming from me, not from someone who learned how to write a certain way. I’m sticking with it!

Things Becoming Apparent

      What a long week! It's funny how being on vacation can be more tiring than going to work. At least from what I remember about work. To me being around a bunch of people can be tiring. Especially children. I am not a fan. I prefer interacting with people I can reason with and relate to. Children don't have that. I know we're supposed to be good examples, and help them learn those skills as they grow. But, when I don't get to see them that often, and have no real input as to how they can gain these skills, it makes it tough to deal with. It's odd to me that people who grew up in the same exact household can decide to parent in so many different ways. Well, I guess that is if they “decide” to parent. It has become increasingly clear to me over the past week that not everyone sees “parenting” as an activity that is to be done. Some people seem to think that once the child has arrived, that is enough, and nature shall take it's course. Hence they do not choose to “parent.” I had noticed this phenomenon before, but after this week it is very apparent. In a way I feel bad for people who've had parenthood thrust upon them. They do not seem to feel like they made the choice. Although we all know that they did in fact make the choice that caused the child. Somehow that doesn't seem to equate in everyone's mind. They seem to feel that parenthood is something that happened to them, instead of a choice they made. And it is sad. Because from what I can tell, the individuals deciding to be parents have much better offspring.

     The offspring, after all, is the whole point isn't it? Once you bring someone in, it becomes your responsibility to make sure that individual becomes a decent human being. I feel so bad for the children growing up in the situation where their parent(s) see them as a nuisance. Not a loving gift that they've chosen, but a burden they have to now deal with. What chance does a child like that have? It seems like none, unless someone else gets involved. And it is also starting to seem that this phenomenon is perpetuating. The child who is grown out of a “burden” situation, then has a child of their own, and naturally sees their child as a burden, since that's what they were shown. I know the cycle can be broken. I know, according to my dad's stories, that he was not raised in a very loving household. But he chose to be loving. He did not want my sister and I to feel the way that he did growing up, so we were raised with a lot of love. He had to make it up. He wasn't shown a great amount of fatherly skills growing up, but he broke the cycle. I'm sure he didn't always know what to do, hell, who does? But we always knew we were loved and wanted. That's another big one, WANTED. My sister and I were chosen and desired. And I do understand that if my sister were able to become a parent, we would also have different parenting styles. However, I do not think they would be totally different. From my observations this past week not all women are natural nurturers. I guess I knew that one too, but alas, after this week, it is much more apparent. Some people just seem incapable of seeing the bigger picture.

     The bigger picture, after all, is the whole point isn't it? You're not raising a 2 year old, you're raising a future person. You're raising someone that is going to be sharing this planet with us. Sharing our air and our roadways. I honestly feel if more people felt this way the whole world could change. People seem to get so caught up in their own crap that they fail to see what is really going on. What is really happening to them. And what they are really doing to this other individual. Just because children don't come with a manual, isn't an excuse to do to them whatever the f*ck you'd like. It seems to me like you would naturally want to speak to children nicely, and not cuss around them. But I have seen situations where the parent(s) are actually calling their children names. Vulgar names. I don't understand how doing that becomes a thing. And, over and over, I just keep thinking it has to do with the parent not grasping the significance of what is actually going on. And, that leads me to the idea that if they had this awareness before hand, they probably would have abstained or used protection. Hence, once again, perpetuating. It's sad. Awareness seems to be something that very few hold dear. Yet, it is the only thing that will break the cycle. There isn't a way to regulate it. There is no magic button or pill. I think if you were to ask most dog owners who they like better, people or dogs, the overwhelming answer would be dogs. Maybe people in general would say dogs. And that seems to be a huge part of the problem. When we're living in a world where people don't like people, how could they think of making a good person?

Birthday Clusters

      Today is my Dad's birthday. Once again I am busy, and won't be able to see him today. I had to reorganize some stuff just to get to be able to do this. It's at times like these that I become slightly more aware of how sayings like “when it rains it pours” get started. And how they remain to be felt, hence continuing to be said. I'm sure a lot of families are familiar with the idea of a Birthday Cluster. Several members of a family having birthdays very near one another. Just in my immediate family, my mother and I are 2 days apart, my father and sister are 10 days apart. When you start adding people in, it multiplies. My cousin and I are also 2 days apart. Quite literally. Same year. Same hospital. Our mothers we betting on who would be born first. My mother lost. I'm sure it wasn't that big of a deal, but it may have hurt a little. My mother actually believes that I was to have been born in October. So on December 1^st, when her older sister gave birth, and I hadn't arrived yet, I'm sure she was stunned. That is true. My mother believes I was 6-7 weeks late. I don't know that I've ever heard of a post-mature baby. And, what's stranger still to me is, she thinks I had something to do with. As if I had some choice in the matter. Not that the doctors calculated the date wrong, no, no, I'm a late bloomer, and always have been. Oh well, that seems like a different discussion for a different day. So ever since I was born December 1^st, 3^rd, and 5^th have been linked. Anywhere from 3 to 10 days after Thanksgiving.

     Getting together usually called for some kind of traveling. So we would often just knock them out in one visit. Sometimes that visit was Thanksgiving, sometimes not. But, we rarely got individual Birthdays. It was “normal” so I never really thought much about it. Especially since we had another cluster between June and July. For a while there we had a cousin born on June 26^th, my sister on the 27^th, my aunt on the 28^th, my daughter on July 1^st, my dad on the 8^th, and my grandmother on the 13^th. My cousin and grandmother have since left us, but it's obviously still hard not to think about them during this time. And that all happens right around July the 4^th! So it was basically the same drill, traveling was involved, and it just made it easier to lump them all together. I don't know that anyone minded. We all got to be together and have fun. Plus it kind of made it like your birthday was better 'cause it lasted longer. Now I think it's funny 'cause I hear a lot of people talking about their Birthday Week, as if it should last that long. But some of us had it for real man. Since we've gotten older, I don't see my maternal side of the family that much anymore. Which is a little odd, 'cause only 2 of our primary group have moved, the rest of us live closer than we have in a long time. We used to travel hours to see each other, and now we don't even travel minutes. It was as if we were just doing it all for my grandmother. At the time I don't know that any of us could've been convinced that that was the case.

     My parents have only been back in town for a few years, so it's starting to amp up again. Last year Covid kind of messed everything up, but we're getting back into it. However now, it's a little strange because we are so close. We don't have to travel. I can see them on Tuesday and Thursday if desired. So sometimes we end up seeing each other a lot more than “normal.” However this time, extended family is getting involved! All of my wife's sisters are in town, with all of their children. It's a lot. Her mother is planning on moving to the East Coast, so they have all decided to get together one last time in the house that they grew up in. They are all very excited. I've barely seen my wife in 3 days, and looks like I have another week of it. But that's okay, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Whoa, I may have to tackle that one next week. Anyway, they're very much doing what I was just saying. One of the sisters is turning 40 in August, but we're throwing her a surprise party on Saturday. Surprise! It's a month early! We're having a Thanksgiving dinner one of the days. And they're basically cramming in a bunch of missed past and future events, into 10 days! It's kind of cool. I'm glad they're all excited. None of the husbands came. I find that odd. However, I'm not really used to being that social either. I'm glad I have my safe place. But the other cool thing is that they all love my family too. So my parents and sister have been invited to as many of the events as they would like. I think they all really like the idea of having this big extended family. But it leaves me wondering, do I still try to go see my dad tomorrow, knowing that I'm going to see him on Saturday? Yes I do. May as well see him as much as possible.

Questioning Priorities

     Thursday afternoon! What do you know? I'm glad this all worked out. I'm busy tomorrow, and today has worked out great, so I'm in. I love it when things like that happen. I know that people often make comments about “doors closing, and windows opening,” but when you get to see it, and feel it, in action, it truly is remarkable. I do feel a little guilty though. Today is my Daughter's Birthday. She's turning 22. Her 21^st kind of got screwed last year because of Covid, so this is supposed to be a big one. However I will not be going. I have band practice. Under normal circumstances, I would have definitely taken the night off. But, we have a show coming up in 3 weeks. And, we have only played together twice in a year and a half. So, we need the practice. Plus, it being summer and all. Newly reopened and all. Other people have vacations scheduled. So we have to practice when we can. And, unfortunately, tonight is when we can. It feels weird. My wife's family and my family are going to be there. I am the only one not making it. It will be obvious. But, that's the life. Everyone knows. And she understands. Which is why I'm busy tomorrow. I'll get to see her then. It'll be a much smaller group, and a much more fun establishment, so she isn't really missing out. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, she's making out. She gets 2 Birthdays! That should hopefully make up for it. Not that there's really anything to make up for, but somehow I feel like you get my drift. And, also, on a side note, in a selfish way, I hope my bandmates realize the sacrifice I'm making to accommodate their schedules.

     Not that any of them would ever actually question my priorities, but it's nice to show them that it's still the same. Everyone I know knows, so it's not like a mystery. Once I cancelled practice because my foot hurt so bad I couldn't walk very well. I never got so many phone calls before in my life! Everyone wanting to make sure I was okay. Figuring since I cancelled, it must be pretty bad. Well, it is good to know that the way I feel about things comes off in my behavior, and the people close to me get it. I wouldn't want, and couldn't have, it any other way. I'm always suspicious of people who think they are different than they are. But that sounds like the beginning of another story for another day. Today I'd like to finish the idea that I've been trying to tell you about for a couple of weeks now. I keep getting distracted! Which is fine. It's part of the process. But today, one of the parts of the process, is completed! Once again, I will say, it is a trip how things work out. I love this journey called Life. Even though at times it can be frustrating and confusing. A couple of weeks ago I started off by telling you that I was working on a new game. I was telling you that it was such a magical experience, that the idea just “popped” into my head. I was attempting to tell you that it was so much different than before, because this one practically “popped” in complete. I was about to tell you how it was so amazing, because I never had one come to me with so little effort involved. Well, that was a couple of weeks ago.

     It's now been 3 weeks. And, it did come in pretty easy. But by no means complete. I was close, and it probably would've been fine. At least for now. My wife and I had fun playing it. But there seemed to me to be just a couple of things that could go better. Granted, we're just getting the basics down, I know there's still a lot of development to do. But I like to make sure I have a “working model” before I move on. And I could not get over this feeling that things could be a little bit better. And I do realize I mean a “little” bit. But I was agonizing over it. Agony might be too strong a word, but I'm leaving it in! I spent no less than 6 full days trying to get the math to work right. I knew there had to be a way to get the results I wanted, but it seemed like it might be an impossibility. I couldn't accept that. I knew there had to be a way. It invaded my dreams a couple of nights. I don't know if you've ever had anything like that happen, but it's hard to feel rested when you wake up feeling that you've already spent a whole day working on something. I could not let it go. It has consumed me. I had to force myself to stop. Several times. Then I finally realized something had to give. I wanted 2 different things to be able to happen. But I had to decide which I actually wanted more. Then, after days of effort, I finally noticed what was actually important, and what I was “trying” to fit in. As soon as I decided to stop “trying” to put my idea into “the” idea, I saw it. And it's turned out wonderful. I figured it out just before lunch. I feel lighter. And now I can go into the Holiday Weekend with a light heart, clean mind, and new game.