6/23 - 7/15/14

A week and 2 days until I take vacation. I can't wait! Even though this week is kind of like a mini-vacation. I have 3 days off in a row. Nothing to do for 3 days! It's almost as if it's a primer for what's to come. I need it. I feel like I can finally relax. I am glad that my busy-ness, as well as our story, are finally coming to an end. Our story continues with play week. Usually play week is the busiest week of our year. This was not the case this year. And we're only halfway through it! “Volunteering” at the theater is one of the highlights of my year. I enjoy being apart, I enjoy the work, and I enjoy some of the relationships that are being forged. I'm a little surprised at how few parents actually want to help. It's frustrating, so I “volunteer” extra time. Susan puts in extra as well. In order for a child to be a part of the production, their “parents” have to “volunteer” for two committees. One before play week, and one during play week. Susan helps get the costumes ready, for our pre-show obligation, and I help run the backstage during the show. However, Susan helps out backstage every night, even though only one of us is “obligated” to be there. Plus, we work every show that we don't watch. And, we only watch one show. We don't have to, we just do it because we like it. We want to have the show go well, and we realize that they need help, since so few of the parents are willing to help. It's sad. I guess they don't enjoy it the way we do. It is a huge part of our life. I guess to them it's just peripheral.

I was happy that my work was willing to be lenient with my schedule so I could “volunteer” my time. Susan's work was very supportive as well. A new job, and she's already had to go out of town, had a play happen, and now going on vacation next week. What a job! I had never heard of the play before. And, I wasn't really sure what was going on most of the time, during the first few run-throughs. But by the time I watched it on Saturday night, I thought it was a really good show. After the final show Saturday night, we are also “obligated” to help clean the theater. It makes sense, since we rent it, we should leave it like we found it. I am not opposed. But again, the lack of participation by some of the parents is overwhelming. I don't get it. Afterwards, there is a huge party for the cast and crew. We had a good time. I was surprised at how friendly people were with us. Somehow now we've elevated ourselves in this organization. I guess people see how much we care. Plus, now they've been seeing us for years. We got out of there just after last call. I had a meeting at work the next morning at 8 am, followed by a full work day. I was glad I had taken it easy. That day was followed by another work day. Yeah hours! The day after that was Stella Mae's birthday. We took her to the fair. We love the fair. We pretty much go every year. We let her friend come with us, which was new. Although, the friend is not very fond of the rides, so Stella didn't get to go on the rides she wanted. She was bummed.

Susan and I got to see everything we wanted. We had a great time. We got to see Super Diamond! They were great. I hadn't gotten to see them before. I recommend them. We gave the girls until 10 pm, but they were ready to go by 9:30. God bless'em. The next day is when I started writing you this current story, followed by a work day, then the 4^th of July. Stella Mae went with her friend's family, so we kept it really mellow on the 4^th. We went over to our friend's house, had some of the best ribs I've ever had, and got home by 10 pm. I had to work the next day. I got some bad sh*t on Saturday night, and spent all day Sunday recovering, so I don't call that “off.” That was followed by two more work days. No complaints. I wrote you on Wednesday. Thursday I worked, then went to the opening of the new restaurant that Susan works for. It was awesome! This company is doing some really cool stuff. Friday was her company picnic. Are you kidding me!? Gourmet picnic food, with as much local craft beer as you could handle. Awesome! That was followed by another work day, then we went out to one of the local casinos with my parents and Sister, for my Dad's birthday. The food was great, but playing digital slots is a boring, expensive, waste of time to me. Sunday we went to the swap meet, to get some necessities for our upcoming cruise. That was followed by two work days. Now here I am, at the end of this string of 41 days, relaxing before my last surge towards the cruise. Life is pretty interesting!

Daughn

6/18 - 6/22/14

I'm already having trouble trying to recall all the details of the events I wanted to describe to you. And, before I continue with the story, there is one new thing I'd like to convey. I've started doing this thing where as I'm vegging out late at night, I listen to my band's rehearsal, in total darkness, letting my mind wander. There have been several times where my mind wandered someplace good, and I felt like I should write down the idea that I had. So, instead of wishing I would have written it down, I've decided I will. However, that involves getting up, turning on the light, and actually writing it down. Over the course of a while, I've found myself better able to discern which ideas are worth getting up for, and which are not. Last night, as this occurred, I had the realization that this process may be the exact same way the term “bright idea” came from. An idea worth illumination, for annotation. Oh well, I just wanted to share that with you. And now, back to the story:

Three days of going to work, in a row, is a pretty rare thing to me in itself. But I had to rearrange some things to be able to accommodate our trip to the Grand Canyon. I was grateful that the changes were able to be made. Susan's new job was accepting, and so was her Sister's, so the three of us got to go. I offered for Stella Mae to go, but she was not interested. At first I was a little bummed, but later, as the details of the trip unfolded, I realized it was better that she had not come. So, Wednesday night, after work, Susan and I made the trip to Indio to meet up with her Sister. Indio is about 2 hours from us, and incidentally, 2 hours closer to the Grand Canyon, so it worked out great, cutting down our Thursday drive. I'm not going to get too much into the family drama part of it. I think I mentioned a few weeks ago that their Cousin, who was arranging the whole thing, was being a totally shady b*tch, so there's no real need to go on about that. Except that to mention that it was obviously a point of conversation for some of the 6 hour car ride, and part of the unease for which the trip was being made. I had to keep my mind from wandering to the dark side. I surprise myself sometimes at how mean I think I could be.

The trip itself was great. There were times when we were having so much fun that we almost forgot that there was a sad reason for the trip. Boy, the desert is desolate. 6 hours of nothing! But, strangely, the view was beautiful. Her Sister has a better car, so she drove. I was glad to be a passenger. I rarely do any traveling anymore, it was a nice change of pace. We got to the Grand Canyon around 7 pm on Thursday. Just in time to find the spot for the ceremony, and see the Sun set over the Grand Canyon. There was a fire in the distance, and it literally looked like the Sun was scorching the Earth as it set. We have a photo of it. I 'll let you know when we post it, so you can check my Facebook. It really was cool. Speaking of cool, well actually I can't even really speak about it, The Grand Canyon!!! 3 weeks later, and I still cannot get over it. If you haven't been, put it on your list. And not your long term list either, get there! Words, and pictures, could not, can not, describe it. Like the realization I had about “bright ideas” last night, I had a similar sensation at the Grand Canyon with the word “breathtaking.” The sight of it literally took my breath away. I had to keep remembering to breath, it is that awesome!

We had trouble finding lodging, but eventually settled into a motel that looked exactly like the motel from the movie Vacancy. We were all a little frightened, but decided it was better than the alternative. We even watched the new version of Evil Dead while we were there, classic! The next morning we got back to the spot on time, but of course, the Cousin was nowhere to be found. First 10 am, then 11, then 1! At least we got our sight seeing done. We didn't get back on the road until after 2 pm, 2 hours later than expected. The whole way home, I kept missing the fact that the next turn would not be the Canyon. I'm going back there! We eventually arrived at our home at 3 am. Just in time to get a little sleep before our parent's meeting at 10 am, for the upcoming play. Then we went to another wedding. Do to traffic, we barely made it on time, which worked out fine, because the ceremony was late too. It was the quickest wedding ever. Everything took place between 4 and 6 pm! I was not disappointed. We went to an after party at our friend's house. It was pretty cool, we hadn't done that in a while. But, I had to work the next day, so I took it easy. If you're keeping track, that's 11 straight days of activity.

Daughn

6/12 - 6/18/14

I could probably spend the rest of the year writing about what has occurred during the past three weeks of my life. But I don't want to do that to you. I will, however, do my bet to recap it here today, without, hopefully, finding the need to add on a part two. If my memory serves me correctly, I last wrote you on the 11^th of June, so that is where we shall begin today. As if I know where to begin. I really feel like this is my only day off since then. Granted, I have not gone to my place of employment everyday since then, but, none the less, I have been occupied everyday since then. I am glad to have this day off to recuperate. Although, I do have this, and one other thing to do today, before I “hang out” with my guitar player. At least I got to sleep in, and am doing my own things, on my own time, which makes all the difference in the world. Today could not have gotten here soon enough. It all started when my Mom and Sister came down for my Cousin's graduation on the 12^th of June. I did not go because I was working, and am not talking to his Mother, so, luckily, that does not really play into the plot. Except for, however, the fact that it was the reason my Mom and Sister were in town. They wanted to take us out to dinner on the 13^th, Friday the 13^th! It was delicious and uneventful. The dinner was in part to celebrate Susan getting a new job, and also in part to celebrate my parent's 45^th Wedding Anniversary. Although, it was odd that my Father was not there. He was at an East Coast wedding.

My Dad has always been fairly close with his older Brother, and now they share the Anniversary date of June 14^th. How cute! The 14^th will also be shared with our friend, who got married on that date this year as well. It kind of sucked because she had us all facing West, into the setting Sun, for an hour, by the time the ceremony ended. I was unhappy. I don't like her that much anyway. I just closed my eyes and listened. The reception was in the San Diego Museum of Art. That was cool! We got to check out the entire Museum, I have to go back. It was well worth the trip. It also reminded me of how little we actually do. The Museum is only 20 minutes away, and I have never been! I felt like I was on a different planet. That's sad. The 15^th was Father's Day. It was, once again, a bit odd that my Father was not there. Celebrating Father's Day, and I'm the only “Father” at the table?! It felt strange. We got to go to one of my favorite places. It wasn't crowded. It was delicious. We had a nice time, although at first we thought they weren't open. We were patient, and our patience paid off, yeah me! After doing some grocery shopping, we went over to my Mom's house for dinner. We had a good time. The next three days were work days. Susan started her new job down near the beach though, and since we share a vehicle, it meant I was Trolley bound. I don't really mind taking the Trolley. I figured out the schedule. I pick it up a block from home, and it drops me off two blocks from work. Not bad!

The Trolley is a little more expensive then I would expect, but it is still pretty convenient. My only gripe is that without my vehicle, I have no solitude for lunch. I always bring my lunch, and to eat it in the break room, doesn't feel like much of a break. Especially since it also means that I have to find something to do for half an hour, whereas, usually, meditating in my car does me just fine. Our whole lives have changed since I last wrote you. I'm really just starting to get the grasp of that right now. I mean, I have known that, but sitting here delineating it, is really driving the point home. As I'm sure you are starting to become aware, there really is no way I'll be done with the rest of my story by the end of this paragraph. I'm going to have to continue anon. In it's own way, this actually seems like quite an appropriate place to break. It literally took this entire time to get from one Wednesday to the next. And I thought I'd give each week it's own paragraph, silly me. Even funnier, is that I thought I was really trimming the fat. I thought I was blazing through events, and still didn't even get close to all I wanted to say. Unfortunately it seems that I'll have to break this into pieces. I do, however, promise that I will not let it consume the rest of the year. But, as you can tell, there have been significant changes in our lives occurring, and I have to be able to touch on them all. I hope each week doesn't take up an entire session, or else I'll never get caught up. Just know that we are all well, and happy.

Daughn

RIP Uncle Carl

I am constantly in awe of life itself. It amazes me that if you just pay a little attention, to what is actually going on around you, there is an endless sense of wonder. We are woven into quite a magnificent tapestry, with the ebbs and flows, and never ending sense of connectedness. As long as you pay attention, which, I'm afraid, far too few of us do. There is a beauty in the symmetry, even though, at times, it can be hard to handle. We got word that Susan's Uncle passed away on Monday. We don't know when he actually passed away, but we found out on Monday. It was her Dad's Brother. The one, of four children, to whom the task of caring for their ailing Mother fell. He was not a care giver. He was an ex-biker, who was kind of a hippie, and, I guess, a traveler type. Apparently, if the story is true, he was going to be a Park Ranger, before it fell on him to take care of his Mother. Although, that was 10 years ago, and he would have already been over 50 with no training whatsoever. So I'm not exactly sure how much of that to believe. But I do know, for a fact, that they are a seriously dysfunctional family, which no longer speak to each other. And, for what it's worth, he was probably the best candidate for the task. Without any training whatsoever, he cared for their Mother for 10 years. I am certain that he did the best that he could, even though it could have been better. Nobody else was willing, or able, to take care of her, and he stepped up to the plate. For that, he should be commended.

There had been quite a bit of drama associated with him over the past few years. No one was allowed to go over to see her. He never answered the phone, or returned any calls. He seemed quite bitter that this task was bestowed upon him. The family was at odds, and we never heard from him until she had days left. It was too late. She passed before Susan got a chance to go over and see her. That upset Susan quite a bit. Then, Susan had to help this man get the deceased's affairs in order, all the while assisting the person she felt kept her from seeing her ailing Grandmother. Not only that, but also, constantly hearing his side of the story, which made no sense. It was as if he just had to unload on someone, and poor Susan got to be the one. She took it like a champ. And, there was more than just a little turmoil. Susan's Cousin came into town to help. But because the Cousin is a major part of the turmoil, Susan became the hub, because she's the only one who speaks to everyone. I was more than a little bothered by the way everyone just threw their arms up in the air, like it's not their problem. Not one of the other siblings came to see their own Mother on her death bed! I was shocked. Leaving two Granddaughters to take care of business?! I thought it was bullsh*t. Susan helped him for weeks. All the while, she was still basically mourning her Grandmother, because it wasn't going away. She had to keep dealing with it. When her uncle finally moved, Susan was able to stabilize her grieving process.

As I mentioned last week, our lives have really been on the verge of taking off. Susan is so excited about her new job, which is set to start on the 16^th. We have been on cloud 9. Then we got the call about her Uncle. He had just got hundreds of thousands of dollars, with no debt. He moved to Arizona, where he always wanted to go. He was living in a tent, waiting to find property. The whole rest of his life was ahead of him. He finally had the time and the means. He was free. And then he passed. I almost choke on the irony. But now, because he has no family, or friends, Susan is once again tasked with being the bearer of bad news. So next week, which is the first week of her new dream job, we have to go to Arizona, and take care of the arrangements for her Uncle. Unreal! I got time off to go with her, which is cool. I would hate to have to have her go through that alone. Her new job was cool with it, so it's all working out, with one exception. The Cousin I mentioned earlier, is also going to Arizona to help. She's going to get there a day or two before us, to deal with the coroner and stuff. The problem is, now she's being a total shady b*tch about it. Speaking in seemingly secret code. It doesn't seem right. I can't figure out why death makes people act so retarded. We all know it's going to happen, why does it make people act like *ssholes? This really bothers me. So, next week we'll be taking a road trip to Arizona, to say good-bye to someone without a lot of people in his corner.

Daughn

Employee of the Month

I'm drawing another blank this week. It seems odd, since I've accomplished a lot in the past week. It's starting to make me think that being busy keeps the creative juices stifled, since those same forces are being used for actual work. There are a lot of exciting things going on. I actually got Employee of the Month for May! It was a little weird how it was kind of nonchalantly brought up. No ceremony or plaque. Barely even a mention. Kind of like “Oh yeah, by the way, you got employee of the month.” The end. It's kind of a joke anyway. I've been there a year so far, and I've only known who the Employee of the Month was once. And, I thought that was a huge joke. The guy who got it was a terrible worker. The month he got EOM, he had two no-call/no-shows in the same week. I had only been there a few months when that happened. But, I had been there long enough to know that the employee who got EOM was the last person who deserved it. Ever since that happened, I had this little thought that if I ever did get EOM, I would decline it, since it apparently doesn't mean anything anyway. However, since that employee has been terminated, and since there really isn't anything to decline, I've decided to accept this honor. Even though, as far as I know, it could just be my turn. None the less, it feels nice to be noticed. Even if just barely. But, I have noticed I'm getting more hours. Plus, it feels as though I have the respect of my peers, and my superiors. I must be doing good.

It felt weird to write the word “superiors.” They are the more esteemed in the company, but I don't consider them superior to me as a human being, so it feels funny. Plus, as I re-read that line, I noticed that the “per” sound in “superior,” sounds like “peer.” I find that interesting. Especially since most superiors don't really feel like peers at all. However, the #2 in the company called me personally for a special assignment. It's not bad to know that out of 30 available bodies, the #2 is thinking about you. Extra work is good, extra money is good, but being trusted, and people feeling that they can count on me, is what I appreciate the most. I want the higher ups to know that I'm accountable. I want them to know that I'm an asset. I want them thinking about me. I'm not sure if that's vain or not. I just know I want to do a good job, and I want to be known as one who does a good job. I don't think pride in one's work should be considered vain. As long as it's kept in check. After all, pride is one of those slippery slopes. Some people even consider pride a sin. I think it's good to be proud of yourself. But I can also see how too much pride, and not giving credit where credit is do, can be destructive. That's why I always try to keep myself in check by reminding myself, constantly, that the only reason good things ever even happen to me, is because of my openness to the Universal Forces that surround, and permeate, all of us. I figure that's not a bad attitude to have. And since it's working for me, I'll keep it.

Another part of the recent news, which goes right along with what I was just mentioning, is that Susan has been offered a new job. She'll be working in a more stable environment, with saner people, in an up and coming company, for twice the pay, and full benefits! It is as if our prayers are being answered. We're going to have to make a few life changes to deal with the new situation, but it is as if we're being given a whole new start. We couldn't be happier. Everything is working out beautifully. And, I have to tell you, I attribute all of it to this idea that I keep mentioning here and there. I cannot be convinced otherwise. Good things are happening! Plus, and I'm not sure if this is “good” or “bad,” I've been noticing that, being in retail for so long now, that I'm also starting to think differently on another level. Last night we were at a restaurant near closing. A group of 14 people wanted to get a table. It was about 9:15 pm. The manager on duty went and checked with the kitchen, but they had already turned everything off, and “iced” the grill. I was surprised how quickly I started doing the math, to estimate how much money they were willing to loose. I know people want to go home. I know it gets irritating when people show up at the last minute. There has to be a cut off. But, it kind of startled me a little bit, to notice that I went straight to the monetary value, as if my business senses are awakening. I'm not sure how that's going to fall into alignment with the mindset I'm already trying to assimilate.

Daughn

Doing Things Considerately

I'm drawing a serious blank today. I felt like I should nap, but I wanted to accomplish something today. So, I've decided to finally finish my old Topic List. Some of these are so old, I don't even remember what I was going to comment on. None the less, it has been weighing on me that I never finished it, and since I was keeping it for just such an occasion as this, it is time. Who knows, maybe it'll jar something loose. I must also admit, that I'm listening to a band called Bad Brains, and it's so good, I'm a bit distracted. Item #1: Door Slammers / Elephant Walkers. This is not so much of a problem for me anymore, since I'm no longer at an office building, and my new upstairs neighbors are both smaller women. But, it is still a concern of mine. If you are not familiar with this phenomenon, I will try my best to elaborate. I consider this to be two symptoms of the same problem, of which I have not yet been able to identify. I can assure you, that to address this problem with one of the afflicted, will lead you nowhere. They seem to be totally ignorant of the fact that it's occurring, or at least to the fact that it's a problem for others. The first part of this has to do with people being totally oblivious, I think, to the fact that they're closing the door too f*cking hard. Doors do not need slammed, they can simply be shut. It seems to me, that living in an apartment complex, or working in an office building full of suites, people should be extra aware that there are other people around. No one wants to be bothered.

I, myself, have been guilty of slamming a door or two. But only when I really meant it. I'm talking about the unconscious door slamming that arises through a lack of attention, consistently. I think it shows how upset they are in their life, and they may not even know it. I t makes me feel bad for them. But then, I get so annoyed at the loud noise, that I want to make them feel like the door. Inconsiderate! Another symptom, along the same vein, is what I call “Elephant Walkers.” This is when a person walks really, really, heavy. In the office building I used to work in, you could hear them coming the whole way down the hall. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, practically shaking the entire building, just as they're walking. I'm 6'8”, and about 250, I can glide through the halls why not these people? I would often see smaller women just pounding the sh*t out of the ground as they walk. It seems so unnecessary. And, again, I feel it's some type of built-up hostility. It can't be good for their body to constantly be absorbing that much shock. It has to be some kind of passive aggressive bullsh*t. “I'm just going to take it out on the floor!” (Imagine that with a high whiny voice.) I think people taking no care in how they walk, or how they close the door, is a small example of how they probably view other aspects of their life, not important. If we can't give a little attention to the things we do on a daily basis, what are the chances that we're paying enough attention to the things that we have no control over?

I think paying attention is very important. I am aware we are only designed to perceive a small amount of data. We cannot, obviously, pay attention to everything. We'd surely go crazy. But, I am also aware of the fact that our outward behavior is a reflection of our inner thoughts. If people aren't thinking about how they walk down the hall, there is a greater chance that there are other things in their life that they are also not considering. If they are not aware of how they always close the door so hard, there are probably other things in their life, that they do habitually, which they are not aware of. Before all else, we, as adults, must know ourselves. And, you'd be surprised how many of life's little irritations kind of fade away when you're truly focusing on what you're doing. Even if it's just closing a door politely. We have so little influence over the rest of the world, it seems a shame to not take care of what we can. We all live here together. If we don't take that into consideration, then we're missing a huge part of the picture. We have to be able to see how our behaviors affect those around us. If we've never taken a moment to ask ourselves “How do I walk down a hall?” Then how are we going to be able to comprehend how our actions might affect those around us? I can imagine some people might think “So what?! F*ck other people!” And that is precisely my point. Far too many of us don't even consider how we're affecting others. But, if we did, I assure you, a lot of our problems would dissolve.  

Daughn

The Dessert Show

I'm finally getting over my hangover. I'm still a little bit shaky, so I don't know how much sense this will make. Hungover on a Wednesday, not one of my finer admissions. Why is it that when you plan on having “just one,” that's when you seriously tie one on? If I had planned on getting wasted, I would have just gotten tired and bored. I'm just glad I remember everything, that is a step in the right direction. The night started off honorably enough. Last night was a performance by the Grossmont High School Choir known as The Dessert Show. Basically they pick an artist, last night was Andrew Lloyd Webber, and they perform a collage of his famous songs, while the audience gets coffee and cheesecake. Before the show, Stella Mae asked if her friend could come get ready over at our house. She almost never has guests over. Not only do we not have much room, but I really don't like children. Thus, spending extra time, with extra children, doesn't appeal to me very much. However, since it was only one child, and such a rare occasion, I decided to let it happen. Plus, her friend is 15 today, and Stella Mae will be soon, so it's not like they're actually “children.” They're more like little adults, so it's much more tolerable. Not only that, but the girl is going through a bit of an awkward time at home, hence, my helpful side engaged. I do not, however, want this to become some kind of charity case! People should take care of their own business. I'm sure I'll be discussing that business in the future.

At first I wasn't sure what the whole deal with getting ready together was. But, then, as I thought about it, the only real reference I have to such an event is getting ready for a show with my bandmates. My old band used to have pre-show rituals all of the time. That was almost as fun as the gig. It was definitely a huge part of the experience. Even with my current band, we still kind of have a type of ceremony, although it has seriously tapered, now that they both have “children.” So, I guess, in retrospect, I can see why it's a big deal. And, I am glad that I let it occur. However, it was a bit strange that I had to cook for someone again. Twice in a month! What it is going on here?! The especially weird thing was, without having any idea, I just so happened to fix two of her favorite things. She was so happy. Which, in turn, made us all happy. She comes from a “well to do” family. And, to see her so happy to have “real” food, and eat with a “family,” made me kind of sad. But, as I said, I'll be discussing that in the future. I was just happy to have made someone else happy. After dinner we dropped them off at the show, since they had to be there quite a bit earlier than us. We found a questionably legal way to kill a few minutes until we had to meet our guests. There were 50 tables of 8 people for the performance. We filled up 3 tables! It was kind of cool, because we actually bought our tables early, so we got to pick them all together. Instead of, you know, sitting with “strangers.”

Although, I do have to say, that we probably wouldn't have been sitting with “strangers.” Looking around, I could not believe how many people we knew. I was a bit overwhelmed at realizing how long we've known some of these “kids.” Stella Mae has been performing, in the theater group, with a lot these people for at least 6 years. I just didn't realize how many of them were also in the choir until last night. The show went well. There were some pretty good kids, and there were some kids who looked as if they were “phoning it in.” I am probably a little biased, but Stella Mae really stood out among her “peers.” She was in 4 of the 6 group numbers, and had 2 of the 5 solo spots. She really seemed like a pro up there. Even though I'm with her a lot, it's still amazing to see her up there doing her thing. She really is talented. You can even ask people not related to her, and they'll tell you the same thing. She had the whole room quiet, for the only time. 400 people in silent awe. It gives me the goose bumps just thinking about it! After the show, her grandmother wanted to take her home, so we conceded. My parents couldn't make it, last minute, so we found some friends willing to come. They were so stoked, they took us out for drinks afterwards, since we had no kid. We should have left when they did, but we saw another friend, and decided to stay, since she looked lonely, and the music wasn't very annoying at all. Well, one thing lead to another, and we ended up drinking whiskey at our house until 3 am.

Daughn

And, Yet Again

Well, Mother's Day has come and gone. It went off without a hitch. And, I have to say, it was a huge success. I had the leftovers last night, and it was just as delicious as it was originally. Everyone seemed to be truly impressed. It felt nice to be appreciated. Susan's Mom said that it was the first Mother's Day, since she's been one, that she didn't have to cook. I was really happy to give her the break. Her boyfriend didn't show up, which was fine with me. I really liked putting everything together. It was so strange, because usually I make things that are pretty spicy. I like a little spice in everything. I put crushed red pepper in my oatmeal. I use jalapeno cream cheese. I am a spice fiend! However, in this instance, I knew I was not cooking for myself, so I had to curtail it. To make it even more interesting, I was doing a Southwest theme, which could have been very easy to get carried away with the spices on. It put me in a situation where I really had to watch myself. Doing so, created an unusual sensation inside me. Constantly watching myself, so I didn't get carried away with the spices, caused me to be reminded that I was doing this for others. I really believe the fact that I was constantly thinking about the people I was making the meal for, made it somehow better. I had seen a movie once, about the idea of infusing your thoughts into the meal that you were cooking. It is something I had come to consider possibly true. But, after this Sunday, I'd have to say, I think it's probably true.

I look forward to more dinner parties. I really enjoyed the experience. Switching directions, it is hot! I didn't have time to explain last week, but I did mention a “Truck Run.” A Truck Run is when the company I work for takes a truck full of boots to a company's parking lot, and sets up shop. Basically we bring the boot store to the people. I think it's a great idea, especially for people out in the boonies. I have not been on a Truck Run yet, but I have been to help load the truck, so I basically know how it goes. Apparently it goes much faster than the store, since people are coming on their break. I have looked forward to this experience. Plus, I get a percentage of the take, so it'll be beneficial financially as well. However, we're going out to the desert. It's over 100 in town this week, I can't imagine what it's going to be like in a parking lot out in the desert! I don't usually do well with extreme heat while working. I get bothered when it's 78 in the store, I don't know how I'm going to handle the 100's! Being a bald red-head, I also have an aversion to the sun. So I'm really interested to see how these next two days play out. I bought an oversize straw hat to protect my scalp, since it'll be almost impossible to keep sunscreen on in that heat. I sweat a lot anyway. I hope they let me wear the hat. I bought it without knowing whether it's “allowed” or not. I've gotten very little information about this whole process, and now they've changed the time and location of my pick up twice. So, I'm a little nervous.

Switching directions, yet again, I wanted to tell you about the Renaissance Faire. I wanted to do it while it was still fresh in my head. But, as I sit here, I can tell the memories are already waning. I can't quite remember what I thought was important to tell you, but here it goes: The Renaissance Faire is not something we would normally go to. We have a really close friend who is part of a Belly Dancing Troupe, and they perform at the Ren Faire twice a year, every year. They invite us twice a year, every year. And, we say “Maybe”twice a year, every year. But we decided to go this year, finally. It was a little more expensive than I thought. The park was beautiful. I really didn't know what to expect. Ironically, I wore a shirt that has the word “Drama” with a line through it, signifying “No Drama.” I didn't realize it was going to be such a big deal. I wear that shirt all the time, and have never had as much response as I did that day. I was practically an attraction! I kind of thought the whole thing was kind of sad. These people spend a lot of time and money on trying to entertain a bunch of people who just want to look at them. Apparently they were all told that back in the day everyone wanted to be a part of the action, whereas today most people just want to watch. The people watching was great, but watching them try to engage people who didn't want to be engaged made my heart break for them a little. And, yet again, I have run out of time, and room, to tell you about my boring Ren Faire adventure.

Daughn

Give And Take

What a week. My hours have picked up, for which I am very grateful. But, finally having a day “off,” I now realize all that I'm not getting to while working. Give and take, give and take. I know, I know. But knowing it, somehow, doesn't make it any easier. Although, I guess it should. Like, for example, next week, I was moved back down to three days a week. A number I can handle. A number I'm starting to think I might prefer, if only the paycheck wasn't so...modest. However, I was called today and asked if I would like to work on a “Truck Run” for a day and a half. I jumped at the chance for two extra days of work! Plus, I want to be versatile, and I want them to know that I'm versatile, so I try not to turn down work. I really don't want to turn down “extra” work, especially when it's “extra” work that I was specifically asked for, by the powers that be. This could/should be a really good thing. Although in two weeks, when I've worked for 7 of 9 days, I may feel differently. But then, two weeks after that, when I get the paycheck, and have forgotten all the work that was done, I will probably feel differently still. Give and take, give and take. But that is kind of my point, all that I just described, takes me to the end of the month! I have already been informed that my June is booked solid with weddings, birthdays, and Stella Mae's play. Then, we get to July, with a few other birthdays, all within the first week, which is a good thing, because a few weeks after all of that, we leave for Alaska!

I sit here May the 7^th, but in reality, I can already see the middle of August! Kind of. It's bizarre. I am a planner, so it's a good thing I can see it. I really dislike things being sprung on me, unless, of course, they are fortunate. For example, Mother's Day is coming up. My Mom had this great idea that we'd all go out to brunch, then I could make her dinner. I like cooking. I really like cooking. But, I rarely, if ever, get to cook for people who are not Susan and Stella Mae. I used to cook for my family often when I was younger, so I was looking forward to the chance. I was geeking out on it. But, at the same time, I was having a little bit of trouble narrowing down what to make, and how it would happen. Then my Mom invited Susan's Mom, and Aunt. Then, in turn, Susan's Mom invited her boyfriend, who happens to be a chef. So, my quaint little dinner, for the 6 of my immediate family, whom I love more than anyone else in the world, turned into an actual dinner party for 9. I care for the three other people coming, so it's not that big of a deal. But, it put some kind of additional pressure on me. Cooking for 9, for some reason, feels like cooking for so much more than 6. However, in some way, it helped solidify everything. At first, as I said, I was having trouble narrowing down my options. I started stressing out when more people got added. But then, as if by some miracle, all of the dishes started falling into place. Now, by today, I'm all set, and am just excited about sharing it with everyone.

I guess sometimes a little extra pressure is needed for the flow to hit you. I can appreciate that. But when I have events planned on my days “off” it feels like I don't have any down time. Like this past Sunday. I had a meeting from 8-10 am. I had to wake up and be there, so it's not really “off.” Then we went to the Renaissance Fair all afternoon. I didn't feel like it was a day “off.” Apparently I'm going to have to tell you about that on another day. Now, I'm going to be busy all next Sunday as well. Even today, being my day “off,” I have been busy since I got up. Granted, it was doing stuff I wanted to do, but there is still no down time. Not on Wednesdays. I have it set up so that I don't have to go to “work,” but I have plenty to do. Give and take, give and take. And, as I write this, it seems clear that without the “busy-ness,” the down time would not be appreciated. After all, even on my days “off,” I fill it with things to do. I'm not even done with everything I wanted to do yet. I keep thinking about this line from a Tool song that goes: “Boredom's not a burden, anyone should bear.” I tend to disagree, but at the same time, hope he's being ironic, since I like him. I like being bored sometimes. I think it's important. It's a tough balance to be socially active, melding the hopes and plans of your own with the others' in your life. All the while trying to find time for yourself. Ironically, band practice just got cancelled for the second time in a row. And now I'm bummed that I have nothing to do. Give and take!

Daughn

A Monthly Gig?

What a weekend! The show went pretty good. I was a little surprised that the brewery itself didn't have more of a crowd. I knew every single person there. We had about twenty people show up. There were moments when I felt slightly disappointed that there weren't more people there. I don't know why I expected the brewery to have their own crowd. It was also a weird feeling for me because up to the gig, I found I didn't have the nervousness I usually do about how many people will be there. Playing in our usual settings, they're expecting you to bring the people. If you don't bring a good amount of people, then they don't really need you to play there anymore. But, for some reason, this time I didn't really even think about it. However, as I was there, I kept wondering where everyone was. I expected a little better turnout. I never tell anyone that I'm going to do something, if I'm not going to do it. I have no problem telling people no. It's a little unnerving when people are constantly bugging you about your next show, then make no effort. Or when people talk to you about the show for the weeks leading up to it, then don't bother to show up. And it's always the same thing, excuses and apologies. Since the show ended early, we all went to our usual bar, and lo and behold, there were a third of the people who said they'd “for sure” be there. I got a little sick of everyone apologizing. After all, they were the ones who missed out, I got to have fun and be apart. It makes me nauseous.

Anyway, back to my point. As I was saying, at first I wished there were more people. But, as things moseyed on, I started to think about it differently. To me, one of the major points of the whole gig, was to have our friends there to see us. The gig was in a warehouse, almost exactly like the one we practice in. Except empty. Part of the whole thing, for me, was to be throwing a party, and having our friends come, see us, and try some good beer. As I began to notice that we had the attention of the people who were there. And as I began to notice how into it they were. I realized that I was glad it wasn't a bunch of strangers I had to “try and impress.” It was people who already knew what to expect, and came anyway! They were there to see us! I got to just be myself, and not think too much about the showmanship, because it was like they were at our house. When I finally turned that mental corner, it was relieving. I had fun, we played great. All in all, it was a really good night. Plus, the part that blew me away was we got paid! Not only did we get paid, but they asked us if we wanted to play there every month! I'm not sure we'll take them up on that, but it was so nice to be asked. The drummer seems down, the guitar player seems hesitant, and I'm on the fence about it. So we'll have to see how it plays out. Although today the drummer did bring it up again. And, he asked me to talk to the guitar player about it. So he seems pretty serious. That is a good sign. It has the potential to be a lot of fun.

Last week, the guitar player was sick, and could not practice. I was a little bummed, I felt like I needed another practice to be, truly, “ready.” I thought about calling the drummer, and just us practicing, but I wasn't sure if he'd be into it, so I decided to see if he'd call me. Around 4 pm I decided I really wanted to go, so I picked up my phone to call him. That is when I noticed I had a missed call and a message. Apparently someone called while I was driving to pick up Stella Mae from school. I don't generally check my phone. It was my drummer, asking if I wanted to go up to practice! I couldn't believe it. I wanted to see if he'd call, and he did. But I didn't know until I decided to call him. It seemed so serendipitous. We decided to go up and practice, just bass and drums, like it was in the old days. It really forced us to focus. Back in the day, when we were learning the songs, it was all about counting out the parts, while we waited for the guitar player to figure out what he wanted to do. To have to go back to counting out the parts was eye opening. I think we really impressed each other. We even played the songs that I don't sing, as instrumentals, for the first time ever, which went off without a hitch. The drummer even mentioned his admiration for what happened after we were done. We are really tight. And I think that we just hit a whole new level of playing and mutual respect. We are at a whole new edifice, and perhaps gigging every month is a good way for us to grow some new friends.

Daughn

Season's Greetings

I'm glad to be home. We spent three days at my parents house for Easter. I feel weird about Easter. I don't really celebrate Easter. I've given up on the idea that some magnificent rabbit breaks into your home to hide eggs. Why do so many Holidays involve people's homes being invaded? Technically we're supposedly celebrating the “fact” that Jesus came back to life. But if you're not into that theology, which most of the people I know are not, then that is not what's being celebrated. And if you want to continue to get technical about it, the only reason we have any idea when Jesus was “killed” is because of Passover. But if you're not into that theology, which most of the people I know are not, then that is not what's being celebrated either. Getting even more technical still, we only know when Passover is because it just so happened to occur on the first Full Moon of Spring. What a coincidence! I also found it terribly interesting this year that on the first Full Moon of Spring, there was an eclipse, and the Moon actually appeared red as the shadow “passed over” the Moon. Coincidence?! I couldn't help but think of the Passover story as I stood there, in my driveway, late at night, staring up at the Moon's “transformation.” So, for all practical purposes, at least at this point in time, we are basically celebrating the first Full Moon of Spring. Why can't we just say that? I don't understand why we have this inherent desire to attach otherwise meaninglessness to an event that is actually momentous as it is.

A few times, in the store, people said “Have a Happy Easter,” and I felt like saying “Yes, and a Happy Spring to you as well.” I'm not sure how well that would have went over. I was strangely aware of how I wanted to acknowledge the fact that a Holiday was upon us, but I didn't want to call it this thing that I don't celebrate. I kept wanting to say things like “Have a Happy First Full Moon of Spring Celebration.” But again, I was not sure how that would be taken, and I figured work was not the place to be my “normal” self. I often feel I have to limit “myself” at work because it's not really good for business. I don't want people to leave confused. I want them to leave thinking “Boy, that guy was really helpful, when I need boots again, I'm going to go see him.” I'm not really a fan of limiting myself. But when it makes sense, I don't have to work too hard at it. Plus, I realize I don't always have to be a weirdo. This does not, however, in any way, change the fact that I do feel like saying those things. In fact, every time there are moments like these, throughout the year, I find myself being more convicted in my ideas. And I will tell you, if I had to choose one of “their” ideas, I'll choose Passover over the Bunny story every f*cking time. It makes me sick that we come up with this frivolous stuff, instead of just calling it like it is. I understand it's important for us to get together every once in a while, celebrating is good. I love it! I just don't see why celebrating the seasons seems so paganistic.

People have been celebrating the seasons since people could tell the difference. I also dare to fathom, that people will continue to do so for as long as we are still on this planet, experiencing the changes. In our comparative life span, we have only been attributing these “Holidays” to religious affairs for a short time. The lack of continuity between Belief Systems gives us things like rabbits hiding eggs. Ridiculous! I feel the majority of us would be just fine celebrating Spring just like we have been, without the religious undertones, or idiotic inventions. I feel the majority of us would be just fine celebrating Winter, exactly the way we have been, except without false expectations, or made up dates. We just like to celebrate! It is part of our nature. Mexicans don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo nearly the way that we do. The “real” Irish don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day nearly the way that we do. We don't need a reason to party, but boy can we think of a bunch of them. It doesn't seem that most people even know what they are really celebrating anyway. And that too is a point of contention for me. If we aren't even really sure what we are celebrating, then what the hell are we doing? Part of me feels that the stories that we've attached to these celebrations, are going to eventually fade, which in a way is kind of sad. But if it gives us a chance to get back to the true meaning, and get us back to, or at least closer to, our natural way of being, how could it be bad? We're practically doing it already anyway.

Daughn  

Again, And Again, And Again

I'm feeling a little bit guilty about what I wrote last week. I meant everything I said, and I don't take stuff down, but still, I'm not sure I did the right thing. It's a little strange because sometimes I really do feel like I'm in that movie The Truman Show. Things, ideas, seem to follow me around. Since I wrote last week, I have had at least two different conversations about how I feel about my sibling. Seemingly random conversations, by people I rarely even speak to, all of a sudden questioning my relationship with my sibling. It seemed so bizarre. I have absolutely no feeling that they read what I wrote. After all, they were people I barely know. But, after having the conversation again a few times, I realized I should be more loving. It doesn't seem cool to talk about not liking your siblings. Especially with strangers. I do hold the truth in very high esteem, so I don't like to sugar coat or smooth things over. Even if the truth sounds a bit harsh. At this point, it seems, I will just have to accept the fact that I do feel weird about it, and that I do have the right to choose who I spend my time with. I don't generally like sitting on the fence about things. But I feel too strongly about maintaining the integrity of my bubble to allow “obligations” to interfere with my convictions. Another weird thing is: Last week my Sister changed her profile picture to one of the two of us. She also posted something about how her mouth often gets her in trouble. I know she didn't read what I wrote. How can this be possible?

Before I continue, I would like to make clear, that I do love her, and that I do genuinely wish her well. Now, onto other business. I've been on an emotional roller coaster at work recently. Last week I was scheduled for 3 days of work, which is about normal. However, at the last minute, they took 2 of those days away. For some reason, someone at Corporate decided we needed to cut hours at the store, and I took a major hit. 1 day of work! Other people went from 5 days down to 4, but I lost 2! I could not believe it. Conveniently the 1 day I did work, my manager wasn't there, so I couldn't even talk to him about it. I felt as though they were trying to cut me down to the point where I would quit, so they didn't have to pay the unemployment. I was surprised at how I was imagining all of this terrible stuff. I was having imaginary arguments, and generally preparing myself for war. I could not believe some of the things I was imagining. I went really dark. But then, I reminded myself that I would not do those things, and that those were not the thoughts I wish to think. We just got our taxes back, so we have a little cushion. I decided I would just enjoy the time off, give my manager the benefit of the doubt, be happy that I had at least 1 day, and ride out the current situation, with a positive attitude. This week I was scheduled for 3 days, but got cut down to 2. Again, I was aggravated. Again, my mind started conniving all sorts of evil plots. And again, I reminded myself that I wish not to behave that way.

It all actually worked out for the better, because it gave me this Saturday off, so I can go visit my parents at their house for Easter. Excellent! Then when I got to work yesterday, I found out that the “problem child” at work was fired. Finally! Not only was I glad to see him go, but it also gave me a bit more respect for my manager. You can't let people constantly defy you. No matter how much they sell. This turned out to be quite advantageous for me. I was scheduled for a couple of 18 hour weeks. I was really thinking I had to find something else quick. But, the week off, and the lack of hours, made me realize that I really do like working there. I would rather excel at this, than find something else like it. However, when I left work yesterday, my 18 hour weeks had turned into 30 hour weeks. No confrontations, no uncouth behavior, nothing at all. I just kept doing my normal good job, constantly reminding myself that I need to be positive and patient, and you know what? It worked! I got exactly what I wanted, things turned out just the way I had wished, without any conflict. I can not be more impressed. I really feel I'm on the right track. This new thought I'm onto is working in real time. I don't always do the right thing. I try. I want to be in a place where even on auto-pilot, I do the right thing all the time. But I know I'm not there yet. However, this feeling that it doesn't abandon you, even when you make errors in judgment, is overwhelming me. I am fascinated by the entire process!

Daughn

You Can Pick Your Friends...

I'm in a bit of weird place right now. Not physically, I'm still at home, using the same computer I've been using for a while, but mentally I'm a bit mixed up. Or at least it feels that way. I seem to be in the middle of mixed blessings. For months now, the driver side door of our vehicle would not open. It was permanently locked, so I had to climb over to the passenger side to get out. Or in. Every single time. Well, last week was the week I decided to turn it in to the shop. I had three days off in a row, and since the mechanic said it would take a day or two, it seemed like the perfect time. As I mentioned before, it just so happened that my Mom and Sister were in town, so we had transportation. It worked out beautifully. But, it is also the reason I did not make the time to write last week. They wanted to meet for lunch, then we had to get Stella Mae, and it just seemed like hanging out with my family was a better way to spend my time. I kept having every intention of writing, but other things kept coming up. Apparently, most of the time, the games I'm working on take a front seat to writing practice. That seems contradictory to what I would say my priorities are, but in reality I almost never miss a day of working on a game. Maybe I should readjust what I say my priorities are. The strange part is, when I do get the games done, and ready for the market, I don't really have any idea what to do with them. Whereas with writing, I can at least imagine a way to start, and a path to take.

After spending a week with my Sister, it has reaffirmed for me that I don't like her very much. There was a time when we were like best friends. Being Navy children, moving around all them time, there were often times when we were the only ones that we could rely on. When moving to a new town, we were usually the only friends that we had. But, as we moved into High School, and a more stable living situation, the rift started to appear. There were things that occurred, which I won't go into, that seriously influenced how I was going to perceive her, for the rest of her life. Those perceptions have not changed. She is mean, rude, over-talkative, bossy, and literally a walking ball of negativity. I thought, when I left home, that if she ever did leave home, I probably wouldn't have too much contact with her. But she never did leave home. Another idea that we constantly butt heads about. One of the things I am so looking forward to, about the cruise, is that she won't be there. It will be the first time in my life that I have gotten to just spend some time with my parents. My family will be there with my parents, I can't wait. Even though my family will be there, since I am myself around my family, it will still feel like I get my parents to myself. I don't know how they feel about it, but for me it feels like something that hasn't happened in 40 years. And, I don't remember back then. I do find myself wondering whether or not they are going to have the same feeling that my Sister won't be there.

The other part of this is that my Sister is moving here in a couple of weeks. She's supposedly going to live in their new retire home, until they retire in a year and a half. So, she has that year and a half, to establish herself, get a new job, find a new apartment, and be ready to go on her own at the end of next year. It hasn't happened in all this time, I don't know what's going to make the next year and a half so different. She would say I'm just being negative. I say prove me wrong. The point is, she is finally “moving” away from home, but it's closer to me. She made a comment about us using the air mattress when we sleep over. Sleep over?! She must be on crack. I think she is under the impression that we are going to be hanging out. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The only reason I've tolerated her up to this point is that she lived with them, and to see them meant to see her, so I've been civil. My new philosophy is to be nice to everyone. But that doesn't mean I have to like everyone. In my personal life, she is no one that I would allow into my circle. I do my best to keep my distance from people like her. I don't want them in my life. She went off on me at one of our recent lunches, in front of Stella Mae, for no apparent reason. I couldn't even hug her afterwards. I felt it was necessary to show her that I will not tolerate her treating me like she treats our Father. So I feel it is drawing extremely close to the time that I am going to have to let her know that we are not going to be friends.

Daughn  

Being Of Singular Mind

I'm going to get my passport tomorrow for our trip to Alaska. I guess I probably don't need it to go to Alaska, since it's a State, but I'll definitely need it for Canada. I'm so excited. We're taking a mountain bike tour in Juneau! Talk about a biking family! Susan and I are taking a Pub tour in Vancouver with my Dad. We're going to get to eat Alaskan Crab in Alaska. We're going to get to see the glaciers before they melt. We're going to get to see a rain forest. So many cool things all wrapped up into one journey. I can't wait! It's so strange too, because we have never really been on vacation before, except a visit to my parents in Maryland about 10 years ago. But, we didn't really do any touristy things while we were there, so it didn't really feel like a vacation. This is going to be a vacation! The strange part, that I was trying to get to, is that now that we'll have passports, I feel we can go wherever we want. We've never even been on vacation, but now that we could go if we wanted to, it feels different. It is especially cool because Stella Mae's best friend's Grandfather owns a home in Cabo San Lucas, and he's always inviting us to go, and now, we can go if we want to. Unreal! I know it might not seem like that big of a deal. After all, people get passports and travel all the time. But for a person who wasn't sure we'd all still be here by now, it seems like divine intervention. I still cannot comprehend that this is all actually happening. I spend a lot of my time in awe over how this world that we live in conspires with us.

I really don't wish to come off like a holy roller, but I can no longer deny that something is happening to me. I still have trouble understanding that this all started off to me as some kind of joke. I started reading the Bible to be able to argue with people, as I said before. But then I started watching some Christian based programming, just to get their point of view, and hopefully add some fuel to the fire. Then, the other day, I was programming my car stereo radio station presets after my battery died. Our stereo has a lot of them, and I like to make sure they're all filled, so if I hear a commercial, another station is just a touch away. I came across a station that was playing some pretty cool music, of which I had never heard, so I put it in. I change stations often, because I dislike commercials. However, every time I came to this particular station, they were playing some decent music, which I had never heard before. I went to pick Stella Mae up from school one day, and told her what I just told you. On the way home she remarked that she thought she heard something which made her think it was Christian. I did not pick up on it. Then, that same day, I went to pick up Susan from work, and related to her the same story I'm relating to you, when all of a sudden I heard it. The DJs were definitely Christian, and so were the songs. I absolutely do not consider myself a Christian, and some of it is a bit to take, so I do not listen to the station often. But, I do relate to some of the message, and there's no commercials.

Whatever is happening to me, as I said, I do not equate with Christianity. However, because that's the only exposure so many people get, it's one of the closest things to find. Something, though, is happening! I've been getting pressure at work to sell more Sundries. Sundries are extra things. I asked the Universe to please help me sell more Sundries, and all of a sudden I went from .001% at the beginning of the month to 8% as of yesterday. Coincidence? We finally got our bikes, but there was no place to put them. Then magically over the weekend our complex installed a bolted bike rack! Coincidence? We just happened to get a passport appointment on my day off. Our drivers side door has been broken for months. We finally have the money to fix it, but we need the time. The mechanic said to plan to leave it for a couple of days. Next week was the only time that we were going to be able to make the time, but we were not sure how we'd get Stella Mae to school, and home. Then, come to find out, my Sister and Mom will be here next week, because they just found a place to live here, and can help us out with whatever we need! Coincidence? It knows everything. And the more energy I put into it, and the more I understand that something is indeed happening , and the more I trust instead of fear, the more often it occurs. My doubt is fading fast. If this is insanity, I gladly welcome it! I will be writing of things of less weighty significance in the future, but as for now, I am of a singular mind.

Daughn

View Points

I'm getting a super late start today, but it's cool though, because I already got Stella Mae from school. She had a minimum day today so the school's Sophomores could take the High School Exit Exams. Something about that doesn't seem right. In your second year of High School, they expect you to already know everything you need to know to graduate! No wonder kids don't want to be there. I liked High School. I didn't have any friends, or anything else to do. I lived in the middle of the desert. High School gave me something to do. I'm so glad we didn't have the internet back then, or I would be such a dork now. I may not have ever left my room. But I guess that's beside the point. At first I thought she may have been mistaken, but her story didn't change, so I'll have to go with it. Although, she did say that it took some kids 2 or 3 turns to pass it. Those 2^nd and 3^rd turns being their Junior and Senior year. So I guess in a way, that would be helpful, to get them ready for what they are supposed to know. But she also made a comment about there being a 93% pass rate. Again, at first I thought she may be mistaken, but it's not really like her to just make stuff up, especially statistics. She may have misheard, or been confused, but she seemed to know what she was talking about, so I've decided to consider it true. At least for now. This, however, has got my mind racing.

If it is true, what does that mean? If 93% of the kids can pass the CA High School Exit Exams by their second year, what the hell do they have to look forward to? Padding their resume? Plus, how depressing would it be to be preparing to leave High School by the time you get to your second year? Granted, it is a temporary situation, but for me High School didn't even get rolling until my Junior year. Maybe that's why I'm at where I'm at, we'll never know. But that too, is beside the point. The point is, that this has lead me to at least 2 rather dismal thoughts. 1) Are we trying to make sure they enter their lives with a solid, well rounded education? Or are we simply trying to make sure they can pass the test that says that they have a solid, well rounded education? You can teach a chicken to play Tic-Tac-Toe, but that does not mean it knows binary code. Who really benefits from this type of endeavor, the Educational Institution, or the future of our species? 2) If 93% can pass by the second year, how much better prepared could they be by the end? I'm sorry, but I do not feel like the 7% should be coddled. Why should they get 3 tries? We can't constantly be lowering the bar! I think it does equal disservice to the 93% and the 7%. It would make more sense for the Institution to decipher who these 7% are ahead of time, so they can get them the help they need, without subjecting the 97% to the idea that they already know all they need to know. Because, as you may know, most teenagers feel that way already.

I suppose I would feel differently if I, or someone I knew, were in the 7%. Maybe catching them by the time they're a Sophomore, gives them the time to make the corrections. I just feel you should be learning more in High School than you can learn by the 10^th Grade! I'm so rarely on the fence about these kinds of things that it makes me really consider both sides of the equation when I am. Socially I feel that the people who need help should get it, but not at the expense of the group. I'm getting all worked up, and it may be all over nothing, as it usually is. But, yet again, that is beside the point. Although, at this particular moment, I'm not even sure if I'm anywhere near the point. I had no idea I was going to write any of this. However, now that I have taken a minute, or 60, to put it all down, I realize that it has helped me poke a couple of holes in my shroud. I think this is a very important part of life, being able to take both sides as equals. It is the only true way to know how you feel. If you never consider the other side of the fence, how can you be comfortable with your own? We seem to have gotten to this place where not agreeing with people means they are against you. What a sad way to live. As far as I'm concerned, you can't really know anything about your point of view unless you have something to compare it to. And, if you're only comparing your point of view to other points of view like yours, you really aren't putting it through the scrutiny necessary to see if it stands on it's own. If your point of view can't stand the scrutiny of comparison, it's probably not really a point of view.

Daughn

A Biking Family

I am often overwhelmed by the kindness of others. Not that I am unkind, but I am certainly less kind than others. And I would like to believe that, had I greater means, I would be kinder. Although if I'm not overly kind without, it seems unlikely that I'd be kinder with. I am often bought drinks, and I hardly ever reciprocate. Although, I do feel, that had I greater means, I would reciprocate often. However, I'm not so sure how often I would initiate the drink buying. I'm not necessarily convinced that makes me unkind. I suppose there are drink buying people, and non-drink buying people, of which I seem to fall into the latter. But, if I had greater means, I suppose that might change. Even though, I have to admit, it is hard for me to even imagine a situation where I had greater means. Is that sad? I can't even, at this point, imagine things getting much better. I say that not as a sad statement. I am happy. I'm having a good time, I love my family. But, and I didn't really even know this until I started writing this, I have a hard time imagining a future of greater means. I spend most of my time in my imagination, and I can't even imagine a more prosperous future? That seems odd. I'm going to have to work on that. Because, I truly feel, it will never happen if I can't even imagine it. Boy, this has been quite the revelation. This is hitting me as hard as I got hit a couple of weeks ago when I realized that I didn't really have a “dream” anymore. It seems as though the two are probably related.

I want to iterate again, that this, to me, in no way entails despair. I'm a little shocked, and confused, by recognizing the void, but I am in good spirits. Things are actually going really well. I've got a gig coming up, we're going to Alaska, I'm getting the car fixed, everything is going really well. We have a lot of friends. Actually, the kindness I was referring to earlier stems from one of those friends giving us a bike for Stella Mae. He works at a bike shop, and somehow, or other, occasionally ends up with extra bikes. So he just gave us one! And the weird part is that we had been thinking about getting her one, but things kept coming up. Plus, she never really asked for one, so we weren't really sure if it was desired. Although, Susan and I both, think back fondly about our first bike experiences, and what it's like to be mobile. It turns out that she loves it! It couldn't have worked out better. I am still shocked at how life works out sometimes. She is so happy, I can't believe it. Now she wants to go riding everyday, which is great. But, she's still not confident enough to ride by herself yet, so I had to get my bike all dusted off, and ready to go. It's been in storage for her entire life, 14 years! I hadn't been on it in probably 15 years. But I got right back on like I knew what I was doing. I forgot how much I used to ride. And, I forgot how much I like riding. It was a little awkward at first, but 15 minute later, I felt like a fish in water, I guess you truly never do forget how to ride. Now we're a biking family!

That makes me happy. I never thought I was going to have kids. But, I always imagined that if I did ever have a family, I would want it to be a biking family. And now we are one! It's like I got what I wanted, even though I didn't even really know that I wanted it. The bizarre part is, that this keeps happening. I can no longer doubt that there are larger forces at work in my/our life. It's been hitting me real hard recently. I think about those forces constantly. Almost all of my thoughts are geared toward the Almighty. Even when I'm drunk out of my gourd, I still think about the All. It's getting to the point where I can't keep it in anymore. All of a sudden, I feel like talking to people about it. For some reason I want people to know where I'm at. Last night, practice got cancelled, so the guitar player and I “hung out.” I couldn't believe how I kept wanting to talk about it. I didn't stop myself. If people are going to be close to me, they have to know that I am immersed by it. It's just still surprising to me how it's kind of taking over. Every example I use, practically, comes out sounding Biblical. I use it as a context, or reference, for pretty much everything. And to think that the only reason I ever even picked one up is to be able to argue with people about it. Now I think about it all the time. The absolute shocker, to me, is that the more I think about it, the more I come to know about it, and the more my doubt lessens, the better things seem to go. That is not a good way to get me to stop.

Daughn

Spending Free Time

Today I've only given myself 45 minutes to complete this. I don't know why I do this to myself. I'm off on Friday, I could wait until then, but as I mentioned before, who knows what Friday will bring? I want to get into the habit of having a set time, and a set day to do this. But now I fear that I'll have to leave before I finish, which would kind of defeat the whole purpose of letting it stream. That's okay, I'll figure it out. I just always feel like when I'm rushed, getting it done becomes more important than content. I eventually want to have decent content. I really do have things I'd like to share. It's also kind of disappointing because one of the reasons I'm getting started a little late is YouTube! I go on there to select my album for the week, and I got caught up in watching something that could have waited. I know it could have waited. I knew at the time, it could have waited. But something, somewhere, inside me, said I might not be able to find it later. I realize, as I write this, that the idea of not being able to find it later is a bit ridiculous. However, I don't really go on to YouTube to “look” for stuff, other than albums to listen to. Which, in itself, may seem a bit strange, that I go on a video site to listen to music. But, I do, and that's all I have to say about that. I don't want to go back on YouTube and look for some novelty that just happened to pop up while I was there. To me the fact that it popped up while I was there, is the reason to watch it, right then. What's 4 minutes anyway? Yeah right!

That has got me thinking about the book I'm reading right now. I'm an avid reader. I usually read Non-fiction, but I've read all of the Non-fiction books in my home. I feel it's important for me to vary my experiences, so I'll read Fiction occasionally. I think it's important to read the classics, especially when they're sitting at an arms reach. Just like YouTube, I probably wouldn't go search them out, but if they're right there, and I need something to read, I'll take the time. I also think it's important to, sometimes, do things that you don't necessarily like, just to make sure you don't like it. Or, perhaps, to keep you from limiting yourself from an otherwise worthwhile experience. I normally don't do this, because I don't see this as an advertisement, but for this story, I feel it's important that you know, the book I am currently reading is Pride and Prejudice. As I said, I don't usually read Fiction. And I most certainly do not usually read love stories, but this one is having an effect on me, in an unusual way. For the most part, I find it dribble. It seems like typical love story fluff. I'm not really enjoying the story that much at all. However, I keep thinking about it. I've found myself in the past week, referencing it in at least 3 different conversations, and now I'm telling you about it. It's bizarre that this thing I don't really care too much for is staking a claim in my mind, which, incidentally, is one of the subplots of this book. See, I can't shake it! I will add though, in my own defense, this was my only plot reference.

I suppose that's what makes it a classic. People have been reading it for years. It's obviously had a tremendous effect on many people, no doubt inspiring an endless amount of creative people. However, I find myself most fascinated about the time frame from which it came, as opposed to the actual story that is being presented. It was written around the same time as the American Revolution, so for all practical purposes, a long time ago. Although, compared to a lot of the books I read, not that long ago at all. The thing that I'm getting from this though, was the lack of things to do. Without going into too much detail, these were people of sufficient means, and apparently lots of free time. They don't need to farm, they don't need to work, they are leisurely. The piano had just been invented! They couldn't listen to music, unless one of them played it. There was nothing to watch, unless one of them acted it out. I'm trying to cram all of this crap into a few minutes, and to them, a few minutes was nothing. They had all day! No cars, no phones, no electricity, nothing. It was technically just over 200 years ago. And really, if you think about it, that probably didn't change too much until about 100 years ago. Nothing to do with your free time, except read, write, play games, make music yourself, act out your own scenes, and commune with others. And I guess the fascinating part is, to me, that those are the same exact things that I do when I have free time, even though I have a lot of other options.

Daughn   

Where We Stand

This lull in activity that I continue to wait for is apparently still a ways off. I don't know what, in particular, makes me think that it even exists. I keep feeling like we're supposed to get back to some kind of ideal, where everything is mellow, and variance from the norm is rare. Stella Mae even made mention of it the other day. We were talking about how we used to rush home after laundry night, so we could see The Simpsons at 7 pm. (Of course, The Simpsons have been on at 6 pm for years now, to give you an idea of what we're talking about.) She made a comment about how she used to have to shower at 7:30 pm, and now it's more like “Whenever she has time.” That remark caught me a little off guard, as I said “No, you're shower time is 9 pm.” She was talking about a time when she was around 6 years old. She's about to be 15! It's still time to shower about a half hour before our night-time routine. The only real thing that has changed is her bedtime, and the amount of things that can be gotten done before it. In her defense, I will say that now she may shower earlier if she wants, and, on occasion, she may shower in the morning, if it suits the needs of all the parties involved. I found it odd that in my mind, we still have a “routine,” and in her mind she does as she pleases. I'm not sure if that's a symptom of being a teenager, or part of the larger plot seemingly at hand. The plot being that life does not go back. Lull is only accompanied by inactivity, which, as with all things, can only be handled in moderation. Progress is not a symptom of inactivity, it is antithetical to it.

I guess, as I think about it, as I write this, the last statement I made was not entirely true. Sometimes taking a break from something, can offer you a valuable perspective. A perspective you may not have gotten while fully immersed in the situation. Down time is important to our recovery. We need time to reflect, we need time to rejuvenate, we need time to relax! It's part of the Yang. However, I have, at this time, come to the conclusion that this ethereal idea that I have of going back to some imagined “norm” has to be put to bed. We have to push forward, in order to get things done. Things have to keep getting more complex in order for progress to be made, I see that now. But a break would be nice. And, I'm happy to say, one is coming. I mentioned my parents going overboard with the gifts this past Holiday Season. Well, now they've done it. They have invited the 3 of us on a cruise to Alaska. I can hardly believe it. It seems to be exactly what the doctor ordered. A road trip up to San Francisco, then sailing to Glacier Bay for a week or so. Two weeks of nothing but scenery, family, fun, food, games, drinks, and brand new experiences. I can't wait! I'm especially happy for Susan. I've been on a cruise before, I've sailed the world. Stella Mae gets to travel quite a bit, she just got back from Europe! But Susan hasn't ever gotten to do anything like this. I'm so happy to get to share it with her, she is truly an appreciative person. Plus getting to see the glaciers before they, well you know. This will be so cool!

Things look like they're going pretty good. All things considered. As I mentioned last time, my guitar player and I went and checked out a really cool venue. Just to let you know, we ended up getting a gig out of it. April 26^th! I can't wait. It's at the Butcher Brewery in Santee. It is a totally cool place. Great beer, and a big warehouse with picnic tables and mood lighting. Imagine if you were at your friends huge garage, who just also happened to be a Master Brewer. That's where we're playing! Plus, they're getting a food truck. Are you kidding me!? I can't wait, it should be such a good time. On a sadder note, we went to Susan's Grandmother's Funeral last week. I find it fairly off-putting that the word Funeral, with all it stands for, starts off with the word Fun. It certainly wasn't fun. I could not believe how few people were there. Although it was 5 more than I expected. When I first met Susan her Grandfather passed, and even though he was not biologically related to any of them, people came out of the word work to pay him respects. Respects to which they would not give their own Mother. I'm baffled. No one seems to know really what happened, although they all have their own theory. I just can't comprehend a situation more appropriate for setting your differences aside. It has really got me thinking about how important it is for us to be totally honest with each other at all times, so that in the unfortunate circumstance that something does happen, everyone knows where we stand with them.

Daughn

Good Grief?

This has been quite the week. Of course, when I say week, I'm referring to the time that has lapsed since the last time I did this, not the week in which it is currently Wednesday. Although, just the week in which it is currently only Wednesday, could still qualify as quite a week. Last week, I did get everything done that I needed to. Hanging out with my guitar player went well. I took his advice, and stayed away from doing shots. I felt fine the next morning. I thought it was interesting, because he made a comment about us needing a goal. It seems as though he feels we're kind of stagnating, without having some type of larger pursuit on the horizon. This struck me as odd, because in my mind, we're working on an album. We have about 7 of the 12 songs down okay. 2 of the 12 are getting better, and 3 of the 12 haven't even been attempted yet. I still haven't felt like starting the last 3 because it feels to me like so little effort is being put into learning the middle 2. He just got a few new effects pedals, and has been experimenting with new sounds and stuff, so I have been being patient, waiting for him to get his “sound” together, so that we can move on. It is making a huge amount of difference to our sound. I'm glad we've gone in this direction. And, I see the time taken, as time well spent. But it seems to me, kind of like the pile I mentioned last week, when you cannot actually see tangible results, it is harder to know that anything is really being accomplished. Maybe it'd help if he listened to our rehearsal CD's.

He doesn't get the rehearsal CD because he can't remember to bring them back. Since there's three of us, I have set up a triangle trade, to disseminate the material. You bring a disc to practice, you take a disc home with you. That way we're all hearing the new material being worked on, and can get better at our parts. He knows what needs to happen, and refuses, which to me shows very little effort on his part. So, therefore, to me, it's no wonder that he feels we need a goal, he doesn't have one! I told him as much on Saturday night, when we hung out again, but I'll get to that in a bit. My parents were in town for Valentine's Day. So, I got to have lunch with them, and then we all got to have dinner as a family. They invited us to go on a cruise with them to Alaska! We only have to pay for our own extra expenses. I can't believe it! I told you, they are being very generous. I don't get it. It's a little scary, and I asked them about it, but they assured me that they are fine, they just feel like living it up a little before they retire. I thought it was the other way around, but hey, let's face it, retirement is not really in my future, so what do I know. That was exciting news. Then at dinner, my guitar player called, because we got a possible gig. He mentioned how cool it was that he was just saying that we needed a goal and now we have one. I let him have that one, even though I knew I'd be talking to him about it. Two pieces of good news on the same day, I could hardly contain myself. It seemed that all was well.

On Valentine's Eve, we had gotten word that Susan's Grandmother, was in extremely poor health, and would only be with us a few more days. We made the decision to go see her on Sunday. On Saturday, Stella Mae went with her Aunt, so Susan and I met my guitar player at the place where we'll be gigging. It was a very cool venue, but I'll comment more on that in the future. We had a blast! However, on that same day, we found out that Susan's Grandmother passed, and we never made it over to say good bye. That may be for the better, but we'll never know. Somehow, Susan got the task of handling all of the arrangements. None of the family involved is talking to each other, only to Susan. It's a bit more than strange. Her and her two cousins are the only ones taking any leadership. So this is turning out to be a very strange week indeed. Now we have a funeral to go to tomorrow. Bizarre! Watching this all happen, has got me really thinking about my parents, hoping they really are okay, and hoping they have all of their papers in order. There are so many things that you'd never really think of if you haven't gone through this before. What a time for people to be acting like babies, it's kind of disturbing. But, the same thing happened when my Grandmother passed. It was just as Susan and I met, 12 years ago, and my Mom and her Sisters are just now starting to talk again. It seems strange that in both cases, the person who took the responsibility for the final care, was demonized by the others. I guess everyone grieves in their own way, but the parallels here, are astonishing.

Daughn  

Time Management

Time keeps seeming to get away from me. I am starting to realize that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I spend far too much time trying to recover from the night before. I really am trying to do better. Even though, I say this a few hours before band practice, which always brings with it the possibility of an unpleasant morning. Tonight especially. I guess the drummer is sick. I say “I guess” because I heard it second hand from my guitar player. The guitar player still wanted to hang out. I thought that was pretty cool. It might seem weird, but I still felt glad that he wanted to hang out with me. He's the closest thing I have to a friend. With the exception of Susan, of course. I know we're in a band together, but that doesn't necessarily mean “friends.” Anyway, before I get too far away from the point, if there is one, “Hanging Out” is a rare occasion, and I welcome all of the things that go along with it. But, however, in general, I am attempting to do much better. Realizing I'm wasting my time recovering is hitting me like a lead brick. I have things I want to do. And instead, I sit around miserable wishing I had spent my time last night more wisely. I am ready. I was good last night. I felt great this morning! I woke up at 8:30 am, all on my own. I had slept enough. I was refreshed. I was ready to get some stuff done. Yet, as lunch time rapidly approached, I was found wondering where my morning had gone. I got up and got started. But, four hours later, I had to try to remember how my time got spent.

I used to think I had a pretty good grasp of my time management. I no longer feel that way. I think it took me about 45 minutes to e-mail my Mom. I thought it was going to take about 5-10. Apparently I spent almost 20 minutes looking up words. Of which, I was only going to look up two. The only thing that took the time I thought it would was downloading last week's practice. That's right, last week's practice, which as I'm sure you can guess, should have been done already. Now I've only got 30 minutes to finish this up, before I go get Stella Mae, and then I still have two more things to get done before 4 pm. And, all of this is with one other thing I omitted from today's schedule, which I decided would best be done tomorrow. Hence the problem, stacking things up to be done tomorrow. I used to live my life like there was no tomorrow, and now tomorrow is apparently when I'm going to do all the stuff that I didn't get done today. And the kicker is, this is all happening with an early start. I feel fine, and got started early, and still had to push some stuff 'til tomorrow. But now we're “Hanging Out,” which could quite possibly mean that I'm not getting anything done before work tomorrow. That is one of the biggest problems with leaving stuff for tomorrow, we never know what tomorrow may bring. And then stuff gets left undone. I hate that word, “undone.” Although, you wouldn't know it looking around our Apartment. We still have our Christmas decorations up, and have not yet put away gifts.

In our defense, I will say that my parents got intensely out of control with the gifts this year. We really have no place to put all the stuff that they got us. I keep trying to make people aware of the limited space we have. I think they take it as modesty when I say that we don't really need, or want anything. But I really do prefer things that are perishable, because we have no storage. Even if we wanted to “store” it, our storage unit is half an hour away, so we have to really decide what stays and what goes. It's no excuse, but it truly is not a matter of just putting it away, we have to decide what to do with it. Just so you know, that is not what I was planning on doing tomorrow. That is going to take a lot more time than I have tomorrow. I will say that there is an advantage to leaving yourself something to do. Having things to set your mind on and see through to the end, especially when they cannot be completed in a single day, builds character. But, letting the “To-Do” lists pile up is a nasty little game that sucks you in. At least, in our situation, the solution is unavoidable. We can only work around it for so long. Something has to be done! However, the pile of “To-Do” lists in our minds are not always that easy to see. I don't know where that last line came from, so I'm just going to leave it in there. In closing let me just say that at this point I've got at least two things going in my favor: 1) A desire to make a change and, 2) My guitar player's self control can be used to my benefit, if I listen.

Daughn