Again, And Again, And Again

I'm feeling a little bit guilty about what I wrote last week. I meant everything I said, and I don't take stuff down, but still, I'm not sure I did the right thing. It's a little strange because sometimes I really do feel like I'm in that movie The Truman Show. Things, ideas, seem to follow me around. Since I wrote last week, I have had at least two different conversations about how I feel about my sibling. Seemingly random conversations, by people I rarely even speak to, all of a sudden questioning my relationship with my sibling. It seemed so bizarre. I have absolutely no feeling that they read what I wrote. After all, they were people I barely know. But, after having the conversation again a few times, I realized I should be more loving. It doesn't seem cool to talk about not liking your siblings. Especially with strangers. I do hold the truth in very high esteem, so I don't like to sugar coat or smooth things over. Even if the truth sounds a bit harsh. At this point, it seems, I will just have to accept the fact that I do feel weird about it, and that I do have the right to choose who I spend my time with. I don't generally like sitting on the fence about things. But I feel too strongly about maintaining the integrity of my bubble to allow “obligations” to interfere with my convictions. Another weird thing is: Last week my Sister changed her profile picture to one of the two of us. She also posted something about how her mouth often gets her in trouble. I know she didn't read what I wrote. How can this be possible?

Before I continue, I would like to make clear, that I do love her, and that I do genuinely wish her well. Now, onto other business. I've been on an emotional roller coaster at work recently. Last week I was scheduled for 3 days of work, which is about normal. However, at the last minute, they took 2 of those days away. For some reason, someone at Corporate decided we needed to cut hours at the store, and I took a major hit. 1 day of work! Other people went from 5 days down to 4, but I lost 2! I could not believe it. Conveniently the 1 day I did work, my manager wasn't there, so I couldn't even talk to him about it. I felt as though they were trying to cut me down to the point where I would quit, so they didn't have to pay the unemployment. I was surprised at how I was imagining all of this terrible stuff. I was having imaginary arguments, and generally preparing myself for war. I could not believe some of the things I was imagining. I went really dark. But then, I reminded myself that I would not do those things, and that those were not the thoughts I wish to think. We just got our taxes back, so we have a little cushion. I decided I would just enjoy the time off, give my manager the benefit of the doubt, be happy that I had at least 1 day, and ride out the current situation, with a positive attitude. This week I was scheduled for 3 days, but got cut down to 2. Again, I was aggravated. Again, my mind started conniving all sorts of evil plots. And again, I reminded myself that I wish not to behave that way.

It all actually worked out for the better, because it gave me this Saturday off, so I can go visit my parents at their house for Easter. Excellent! Then when I got to work yesterday, I found out that the “problem child” at work was fired. Finally! Not only was I glad to see him go, but it also gave me a bit more respect for my manager. You can't let people constantly defy you. No matter how much they sell. This turned out to be quite advantageous for me. I was scheduled for a couple of 18 hour weeks. I was really thinking I had to find something else quick. But, the week off, and the lack of hours, made me realize that I really do like working there. I would rather excel at this, than find something else like it. However, when I left work yesterday, my 18 hour weeks had turned into 30 hour weeks. No confrontations, no uncouth behavior, nothing at all. I just kept doing my normal good job, constantly reminding myself that I need to be positive and patient, and you know what? It worked! I got exactly what I wanted, things turned out just the way I had wished, without any conflict. I can not be more impressed. I really feel I'm on the right track. This new thought I'm onto is working in real time. I don't always do the right thing. I try. I want to be in a place where even on auto-pilot, I do the right thing all the time. But I know I'm not there yet. However, this feeling that it doesn't abandon you, even when you make errors in judgment, is overwhelming me. I am fascinated by the entire process!

Daughn