Lost Context

Last post of the year! I wasn't even sure I was going to do this today, I've got so much on my mind, I wasn't sure how it'd come out. But, I decided instead of just sitting around mulling over everything, I would take the time I have to bust out a few words. It is, after all, the last post of the year. A year I wasn't always sure would get here. But, alas, it did get here, and now it's over. I must have been having fun, because it sure seemed to fly by. In the past year, I lost my job, and got a new one. My car died, but I got a new one. My ex-wife died. Stella Mae was in two musicals, and got invited to join the Advanced Choir to travel Europe. We raised the money to have that happen, and all the while, during the busiest Holiday Season of my life. I feel like I've been going non stop since Thanksgiving. Which is probably a very fair assessment. I can't remember the last time I did this. Furthermore, I can no longer remember all of the cool things I wanted to tell you in the meantime. I had a lot of stuff going on, things I thought would be so interesting to share, but now as I sit here, none of that comes to mind. I am really looking forward to getting back to a decent schedule. Although, I will tell you, I'm going to miss the paychecks. Working a lot sure makes a difference in the paycheck, as I'm sure you already know. As far as mental health goes though, I think working less is a better payoff. I patiently wait for the day when I can make a substantial amount of income with a relaxed schedule.

I suppose if my schedule was busy doing my own thing, I wouldn't mind so much. I'd like to be able to have dinner with my family. I miss cooking. I miss time off during the Holiday. This was the first Holiday Season I've ever had with no time off. This is my 5^th day off in the month of December. Retail is a wicked beast. I really got soured this year. I had issues with commercialism before, but now I am even worse. Why can't people be polite?! It's supposed to be the Season of Joy and Giving, but instead it's become the Season of brutal spending. I can't stand it. Why aren't these people with all of this time off, and with all of this money, enjoying themselves?! Walking around the store acting like *ssholes, trying to get a last minute purchase to make some one else “happy,” seems like a stupid waste of time. Christmas is the same day every year, why do the majority of people do their shopping during the last week?! Complaining about lines that They are causing! Complaining about not having enough of the right stuff. How can you expect the best stuff to be there on the last shopping day?! I almost met no smiley happy people. The majority were a bunch of piss poor planners on a mission. A mission, by the way, that they wanted no help in achieving. Plus, the worst part to me, was the two questions I kept hearing over and over again: 1) “If they don't like it, they can just come in and get the right size, color, or style right?” 2) “If they don't want it, can they just return it for cash?”

Isn't it supposed to be the thought that counts? If that's true the thought seems to be “I don't really know you very well,” and “I didn't really think of you at all until the last minute.” Boy those are some uplifting thoughts. The clincher of the whole thing is that it seems to be known that people are getting a bunch of crappy gifts, because everyone seems to know that the next few days after Christmas the stores are packed with returners. Ungrateful little sh*ts. We used to have to keep our crappy gifts. Not that it made things any better, but there was at least the possibility that learning would occur, and the person would become a better gift giver, or the recipient would become a better hint dropper. Now it's all f*cked up. The businesses are playing right along, staying open later, opening longer, slashing prices. I'm afraid it will eventually become known as Buymas. A whole Holiday centered around the idea of just buying stuff. It doesn't even seem to be about the gift anymore, just that something was bought. People don't even seem to care, because they can just take it back and get what they really want. Boy do the stores love that! “Buy me something, buy me something, buy me something from a store, Buy me something special that I don't want anymore.” That'll be a new Holiday Carol. (Imagine it to the tune of Jingle Bells) I don't mean to sound like a Hum-Bug, and I don't feel like a Hum-Bug, I just feel that we're so far away from any real meaning that the Season is losing context.

Daughn

Being Full Of Thanks

I can't even remember the last time I sat down to do this. That is not a good sign. My days off are few and far between these days. I only had one day off last week, and I had so much stuff to do, that I didn't get around to this, which kind of makes me feel bad, because this is a priority to me. The fact that I didn't make the time, makes me feel like I let myself down. But I'll get over it. I'm resilient. I can't stay down on myself very long, there's always an uplifting thought on it's way. I'm terribly distracted by my music choice today. This, I feel, is ironic. In order to understand the irony, I have to give you a little back story. You may recall me telling you a couple of weeks ago that my computer was down to one working speaker. You may also recall that I put out to the Universe that I would have the means to upgrade, before things got worse. Well, I had my Birthday a week ago, and low and behold, I received my wish. My parents are on some weird kind of spending kick recently. I'm not sure exactly what it's all about, but they are really putting it out there. It's almost ridiculous. They came down for Thanksgiving weekend. I made time where I could. I was glad to have Thanksgiving day and the Saturday after to spend with them. Not only did they take me, and my family, out to several wonderful meals, they also stocked my liquor cabinet, and I won't need to buy snacks again until New Years. It seemed bizarre, they are in a very giving mood. It almost seems like too much.

To continue with my story, they also got me new speakers and a new monitor. For a while now I had been using this big old boxy monitor, and now I have a beautiful flat screen. I didn't realize how much I was squinting. Now I feel relaxed looking at the screen. Who knew? They got me, or I guess I should say us, but it was my Birthday, it doesn't really matter, I now have brand new Bose speakers. I had already made sure that they worked, so I know they got set up correctly. However, today was to be their inaugural listen. I picked a band called Dream Theater, which is something I have often heard about, but never bothered to give it a chance. So I decided today was the day. I was going to rock out to Dream Theater as I typed along my merry way. Well, for some reason the digital recording is f*cked up or something, because it keeps taking these digital farts. The songs don't ever play all the way through, it's really messing with my Chi. Not to mention that it's not at all what I was expecting. Parts of it sound like it might be cool, but it sounds as if it was remastered by DJ Seizure. The commercial that played just before the album started sounded great, there was no problem with that, so I have to imagine that it has something to do with the person who uploaded it. Thus, it feels ironic to me that the first chance I have to break in my new speakers is on a sh*tty version of a mediocre album. Oh well, I suppose them's the berries.

I never really got that saying. I don't even know what made it slip out right now. I'm going to have to look that up. I'm very interested in the origins of things. Not interested enough to go on Ancestry dot com, but still I like origins. I'm especially interested in origins during this time of year. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite things. Maybe my most favorite. Being as that there is no religious connotation, and the whole point is to get together with loved ones and eat, drink, and be merry! Putting an emphasis on being thankful is something I do on a daily basis, but to dedicate an entire day to it, or as some of us do, an entire four day Weekend, is truly remarkable. I never hear anyone complain about Thanksgiving, and I hope I never will. Susan and I are rapidly approaching 12 years together, and this was the first time our Families ever got together. We were all under the same roof, for the first time, and it was very comfortable. There didn't seem to be any awkwardness, everyone fit right in. I know that was important to my parents. They still keep mentioning how welcome they felt. And that seems to be the whole point. I saw this special on the first Thanksgiving, and realize that we don't really have to go through any of the hardships that the pilgrims did. They really were not sure that they were going to make it, and just the fact that they survived, made them so grateful, that they had to give Thanks. I have come to realize that we don't need our lives to be on the line, we can just be full of Thanks.

Daughn

Eventually...

I've been working so much recently, that I'm having trouble keeping the days straight. It's so weird to go from working one or two days a week, to working 6 days a week. I'm missing Football Season! I really need to clean my room. My space is getting gradually, and gradually, smaller. It's kind of sad. I still have all of my Traffic School gear ready to go, as if I might have to teach a last minute emergency Traffic School class. That is not going to happen. I need to get rid of that stuff. Plus, because our storage unit is so far away, we haven't made the trip up there since I went to get our Halloween costumes. So, since my room is/was, the only room with extra space, that's where we stashed it until we have time to go back to the storage unit. It's making me crazy. I practically have to do yoga, just to get to my stuff. Not to mention that, but also, the top of my dresser has so much extra change on it, that it looks like one of those arcade games where you have to try to launch coins at a bunch of other coins, in the hope that a bunch will fall, and you get to keep what falls. That is a symptom of Post-Traffic School Blues as well. I used to always save my dimes and nickels so I could make change at my classes. Well, now, I have no classes, so all the dimes and nickels, that I still continue to save, are not getting used. Instead it's like they're breeding. I've got to find a better place to put them. I always try to keep a dollar of them in my pocket, but they're still not finding homes fast enough.

It's too bad my bank account can't keep money in it the way my dresser can. I can't remember the last time I was out of coins. I mean that literally. It's making me realize that it's all part of the bigger problem of not dealing with things right away. There is no reason on this Earth as to why I'm still, in some way, stuck in Traffic School mode. I guess it was kind of like a break-up. After all, I was not the one who decided to “end” it. It was taken from me. But that's still no excuse. As far as the costumes go, it's $10 in gas to get to the storage unit and back, so I'd like to make it a worthwhile trip. Plus that takes time. Time that seems to be in high demand right now. But it's not just coins, or Traffic School gear, or Halloween costumes, it's greater than all of that. And, when two or more people share the same affliction, it compounds the issue. The dishes need done, badly. It's getting to the point where it will be severely uncomfortable if they're not done by tomorrow. So they have to be done today. On my day off. What fun! Furthermore, Susan was off Saturday and Sunday, with no child, and still let them sit. Which I guess I can relate to, as I sit here on my day off not wanting to spend my only free time doing dishes. But I would have! I was planning on it, to be nice, and also to help myself prepare for the rest of the week. However, there was a change to the schedule, and now it looks like I won't have time. I was therefore a bit befuddled when Susan suggested that I find a way to get them done.

It feels like a kind of game of chicken, trying to see who'll break down and do them first. Although, we do work a lot, and as I started out saying, it's taking us some time to get used to this new schedule. Ever since we've known each other, I've had lots of time to be helpful. I think, only as of this very minute, that it really has to do with time management. We're not used to being so busy. Life has changed and we need to get with the new program. Even as of right this moment, I'm still looking at an empty printer. I haven't gotten paper yet! I'll do that today, now that it's become a problem. Even over the past couple of weeks, I've had to cram this into an hour. At first it was a bit difficult, and I wasn't sure how I'd be able to do what I want with the time that I have. But, over the past couple of sessions, I've noticed that my typing is getting a lot faster, which is helpful. I'm spending almost no time thinking about what to write. I'm not sure how helpful that is. I do, however, feel that it's causing me to streamline a bit, and get right to what I'm thinking about. Although, that was not what I originally intended for this particular adventure, that's where we are at now. And I'm adjusting to it. I will eventually be able to knock out a pointed piece in an hour. I will eventually clean my room. I will eventually find a place for all those extra coins. I will eventually get rid of my Traffic School stuff. I will eventually make sure the dishes get done. Eventually, “eventually” will be right now.

Daughn

The Digital Dilemma

I'm staring at a blank screen with nothing coming to mind. I have to get this right, because I only have two pieces of paper left. No room for error. Thank the Almighty that I can edit before I print. Although that doesn't always matter, because inevitably I, or Susan, will find something that I, or spell check, missed. I try to fix it right away, so that hopefully you won't notice, but I always keep a hard copy, and that means additional pieces of paper. I hate wasting paper. I hate wasting just about anything. Except of course time, and brain cells. I seem to have no problem wasting them. Even before I began this, I had a good amount of time to complete it. But YouTube, and it's d*mn recommendations, got me watching stuff I didn't really need to watch. I did laugh though, so that's something. It kind of freaks me out how they are able to track what kinds of things you have looked up before. I have to admit, I do not always sign in to YouTube to search for things. I guess I can say I usually do not sign in to watch, or listen, to stuff. But, it seems to have several suggestions very close to things I've already looked up. Freaky! I guess I'm still a bit of a technological neophyte. It makes me wonder if I should be more careful about what I decide to look at. Although, I never really look at anything that bad, it still freaks me out that they know. I had a really hard time deciding what album to listen to today, and their suggestions didn't help one bit. It actually made it a little tougher.

I keep meaning to make a list of things that I want to listen to, but, for one reason or another, I continue to not do it. Considering how many lists I make, it seems a bit bizarre that I have not accumulated this listening list yet. I keep having ideas, and think I should write them down, but it just doesn't happen. Then I put myself on the spot, where I have to decided at the very moment, when recently, I don't have the extra time to sit thinking. Today, I actually had a bit of a cushion, but then thanks to my wandering eye, I wasted time watching things that aren't going to help me get this done. Furthermore, I already had no idea whatsoever, about what to write. So wasting my time on stupid YouTube videos was not really a productive way to get things started. I keep telling myself to write first. I can check my email, and watch all the videos I want when I'm done. But usually, by the time I'm done doing this, the last thing I want to do is spend more time sitting here. I'm not really sure how people sit at a computer all day long. More than an hour or so, and I can't stand it. I still have a hard time believing that this is how a lot of people spend their time. Not only on an actual computer, but on their computer devices. So many people are constantly looking down at their phones, and such, that I'm worried in the future we'll all be some kind of hunch backs. It reminds me of something my wrestling coach used to say: “Real men keep their heads up, only losers look down.” He was talking about walking, but still.

It's kind of funny, because as the world goes more and more towards digital everything, I find myself going the other way. Granted, I have come to appreciate the mechanism by which this is done. Switching to a digital recording device, for my band, has changed things completely, for the better. I do see a benefit to certain technological advances. But at the same time, I believe it's actually crippling us socially. Sure people are in more constant contact with one another now, than they've ever been before. At the same time though, it seems that actual interpersonal communication is taking a back seat to electronic communication. I don't see how this can be good. Now I find myself wanting to have real conversations with people. I've always been a conversationalist, but now it's on overdrive. I want to actually talk to people. I make sure to make eye contact with people now. As a tall person, I've always made a joke about eye contact being a choice I can make. Well, I make that choice now. It is becoming very important to me to communicate effectively. I've always wanted to communicate well, but now it's different. I want people to know that I am not one of these zombies walking around with digital tunnel vision. I am a real person, with real thoughts, and real ideas, and really want to be spending time with the people that I am deciding to spend my time with. I've never really been a go with the flow type, and I just hope that there are more people out there, resisting the digital dilemma.

Daughn

Getting Started At 1:30 pm

I'm feeling a bit hurried today. Well, I guess hurried and ashamed. For the past two Fridays I have decided to write about this time, 1:30 pm, which only gives me one hour and fifteen minutes to complete it. I really don't like having the time constraint. It puts a pressure on getting it done quickly. I feel, for most of us, hurrying is not always when we do our best work. It doesn't offer much reflection time, and almost no time for editing. But I suppose I can see the benefit of having to come up with content quickly. So, as far as “practicing” goes, I guess this is good practice. You know, deadlines and all that. This is where the ashamed feeling rears it's ugly head. I had Monday and Tuesday off, but I decided to leave this until today. I had plenty of time, I just didn't do it. The worst part is that I didn't even really do anything special with my time off. I loafed. I'm not happy to admit that, but it's true. That is another reason I feel ashamed. I have recently been trying to get some writing gigs on the side, during my down time. Then, when I had down time, I loafed, instead of trying to get a gig. I am not happy about this. Especially with the onset of the Holiday Season, my down time is dwindling, and I wasted my time. It's unnerving. It's especially unnerving because I know the cause. Too much booze. When I know I don't have to go to “work” the next day, I feel like having a few drinks. The problem being that it's taking me a lot longer to recover these days. I can't be successful starting at 1:30 pm.

I'm pretty bothered by this. Bothered enough to do something about it? I don't know. But I hope so. I have signed up on a couple of web sites that hire writers, so I've started the process, I'm just not being proactive enough. I have noticed though that on a couple of the sites, they're by specific time lengths, for completion. So maybe this hurry up practice is going to pay off in the long run. Although, I do not want to keep having to hurry. I've also noticed on a couple of the sites that they want articles written on certain topics. It's really making me realize how much work I'm going to have to do to be good at it. And I can't get that much work done starting at 1:30 pm. A couple of the things I've also noticed about these sites has got me into a bit of a moral dilemma. One of my dilemmas has to do with the fact that a lot of the “work” available has to do with gossip. Gossip! Whether it's sports or entertainment, celebrity gossip. That makes me sick. It makes me ill to think about what some of these celebrities go through. I know some of them stay celebrities because of this type of gossip, but that doesn't make it right. It seems to me that the ones who stay popular through this particular medium, are the ones with the least amount of talent. I refuse to work hard for them. The other ones, the talented ones, seem to be pretty good at staying away from this type of scrutiny, so why should I go out of my way to try to find some kind of interesting tidbit for a few dollars? I think they should be left alone.

The other part of the dilemma is that a lot of the “work” available is for product, or web site, reviews. As I wrote that, it kind of seemed like “What's the big deal with that?” The big deal with that is, they are asking for articles written “as if” the author had used the product. They totally don't care if the review is honest or not, as long as it sounds as if it's from an actual user. One of them was for a Plastic Surgeon! A fake review for a Plastic Surgeon, I almost got ill. The part that got me the most was that for some of them, not the Plastic Surgeon, I started the dialogue in my head “Is it really all that bad?” After all, it's just creative writing, I can make up a story. I've been making up stories for years. But then the new part of me spoke up. Writing fake reviews, even if no one gets hurt, is still a fake review. I am coming from a place in my life where I am trying to share the truth. I am trying to live in truth. And I just don't see where writing fake reviews, even for the writing practice, falls under the truth. So I'll wait until the right assignment comes along. But it's really got me thinking about how corrupt a lot of people, and businesses, are. It really kind of makes me sad. It reminds me of a line from one of my favorite songs, from one of my favorite bands: “Everything you hear, or read, or see on TV is a product begging for your fat *ss dirty dollar.” The more I realize that statement to be true, the less I want to be a part of that idiom. I want to be creative, and successful, but I guess not at “any” cost.

Daughn  

Bring On The Holidays

Halloween has come and gone. I think this was the first year ever I didn't have any plans. Halloween used to be one of my favorite “holidays,” but now it seems like a bit of an inconvenience. Pumpkin carving is still cool. Pumpkin seed roasting is still fun. I really like Haunted Houses. I used to think it was fun to dedicate a day to the macabre, but it feels silly now. It's become something else. I spend a lot of time now trying to continuously be myself, so becoming a character is not high on my list. I'm sure if you have little children, it's still fun to get them all dressed up. But to me Halloween has lost it's edge. I find myself now hoping I don't get any Trick-or-Treaters. I still prepare, just in case, I don't want to be “that guy.” I do, however, find myself wanting to go out on Halloween night, just so I don't have to put up with the banging of the door. Doesn't it seem weird that 364 days of the year children should not talk to, or take candy from, strangers, but on this one day, if you dress like someone else, it's okay? I didn't used to be like this. I used to look forward to scaring the crap out of the little hooligans that came to my door. I used to look forward to the parties. But last night, we went out for a little dinner and a few drinks, and I was bothered by all the costumed buffoons. I liked it better when it was scary, not “cute.” I also think it should be the last Saturday in October. Since it's lost all of it's original meaning, what does it matter if it's on the 31^st?

Costuming during the week seems dumb. You have to hurry and rush after work. Even as a kid, I always wanted the next day off. It just seems more appropriate to have it be on a weekend. I guess maybe it could be Friday, so the kids could wear their costumes to school. But then you have the whole rushing around thing to contend with. I'm sticking with Saturday. Most adult themed parties are being held the last weekend anyway, which feels weird wearing a costume on the 26^th. I think the unofficial Halloween is already rearing it's head. Hopefully it will change, then I might get rejuvenated on the whole idea. But as for now, I know my feelings have changed. As I've stated before, I'm not sure if this is just a symptom of aging. Now I have all of this leftover candy, which will probably still be here next Halloween. It's also kind of strange because for most of my life, this “holiday” kind of marked the beginning of the Holiday Season. I'm a fan of the Holiday Season. It's starting to get cooler, people are bundling up, a little. I've always looked forward to the time off, and all of the delicious food. I've always looked forward to the time with family and friends. But this will be my first endeavor with the Holiday Season working at a retail store. Apparently when you work in a retail store, the Holiday Season means the exact opposite of what it usually means. In retail, you apparently work twice as hard with no time off, and spend the majority of your time with unpleasant strangers.

This is going to be quite the learning experience for me this year. But, I suppose this is what I'm supposed to be learning right now. Retail is interesting by itself. I certainly wouldn't want to make a career out of it, but I am glad to be having this experience. I've said it before, and I'll probably say it again, you can really learn a lot about yourself, and your fellow human beings, by working in retail. People seem to act the exact opposite of what I would expect. Instead of being nice, to get better service, they act rude and complain, as if I, the lowly employee, have any control over what the price is. Plus when I go to a store, I try to get in and out as quick as I can. If a sales associate can help me do that, then bring on the sales associate! Most of the time I can't find anyone willing to help. As if my desperation somehow sends out a beacon not to help me. I thought I was going to be good at customer service, because I know how I would like to be treated. Apparently, as I'm sure you're aware of by now, I am not like other people. People come into the store actually, in a way, refusing service. They would rather wander aimlessly around a pile of shoes, than to have someone who knows what they're doing help them. That doesn't make any sense to me. Who wants to spend extra time in a store? And where did any of these people get the idea that talking down to a person was helpful? Plus if I wasn't even worthy of being talked to as a peer, how is it that I could do something about the price or variety? Fun!

Daughn

Fixing The Unbroken

Wow this feels early. It's 10:30 am, as I sit here to write this. It's the only way I could see how to fit this into my day. But I literally just woke up. I didn't even turn the TV on. No News, just a little bit of breakfast, and now I'm tap, tap, tapping away. I've usually had a few hours under my belt, and some lunch by the time I do this. It feels weird. I'm not sure if my mind is too fresh, or not fresh enough. I'm just going for it. In the past, I always shied away from doing this so early because of my methods. I'm not sure if you remember or not, but as I write I also take the time to listen to an album that I never listened to before. If your interested, you can check out the whole list on my Facebook page. I somehow feel it's not neighborly to be cranking tunes before noon. Although, I do have to say, after I just wrote that last sentence, I realized I don't ever really listen to the music very loud at all. For some reason, if the music gets to a certain volume, it becomes distracting. I have to find the sweet spot, otherwise it irritates me. I'm getting much better at finding it. The reason I didn't think that the volume would be an issue today was that two of my three speakers are now dead. My left speaker and my bass unit have now gone to the other side. And I really don't think that my right speaker pumps enough juice to be a nuisance to anyone. It does make me a little sad when I think about it. Music is a huge part of my life, and now I'm restricted to hearing it from a little right speaker.

My headphone jack doesn't work either, in case you were wondering why I don't go that route. I have kind of “frakensteined” the computer that I'm using. The speakers are 13 years old, as well as the monitor, mouse, and keyboard. I suppose it was time for something to give. But, that makes me a little nervous, as to what's next. I know I shouldn't ask questions like that, or even think those thoughts, technically, but I'm still working on it. When I first got this computer up and running, the whole point was to “get it running.” I couldn't afford an entire computer, so I bought what I needed, and kept what I could. I suppose, deep down, I've always known that I would eventually have to begin replacing things. It will be much better, for us, if I can replace one thing at a time. So, therefore, I send out into the Universe the hope that each piece needing replaced will wait until the previous piece has been replaced. That shouldn't be too much to ask for. But then, that kind of puts the ball in my court. I already know that I'm down to one speaker. To me that says “I still have one speaker, so I have a little bit of time.” However, as I was writing my hope to the Universe, I realized that if I just got new speakers, sooner, rather than later, I might set the chain of events into motion, instead of waiting for them to occur. This also lead me to the thought “Do I really have to, or want to, wait until they breakdown to fix them?” If I know they're going to need replaced, I can replace them before the break

This is where I have a bit of a moral dilemma. I take a bit of offense to the idea that we have gotten to the point in our world where everything is disposable. I think it's tihsllub that we're expected to spend thousands of dollars, every couple of years just to “keep up.” My frugal side is always saying “Use it for as long as you can.” Unfortunately for me, my frugal side is not the one who has to deal with problem of something not working. It seems as soon as something is not working, it becomes very important to get it fixed. It thus becomes “necessary.” My frugal side doesn't think that much is “necessary.” My frugal side will do without a lot. And, for the most part, I agree with my frugal side. I really do get upset every time I have another realization of how much stuff we are expected to just throw away. Computers, cars, microwave ovens, phones, you name it, the answer seems to always be, “get another one.” Well I can't always get another one. A few weeks ago, I was commenting on the idea that most of our friends are in the same “economic situation” as us. Well, I've been thinking about that recently. I was actually only thinking of 2 or 3 people. The truth is, almost everyone we know is doing way better than us. I don't even think most of them know how “barely” we're making it. But you know what? We are the happiest of them all. We are the closest of them all. We have what we “need.” And those thoughts just perpetuate my dilemma, “If it's not broke, why fix it?”

Daughn

Emotional Stew

I'm having a bit of mixed emotions today. I'm sure you have days like that too, I'm just not sure if everyone tries to take the time to understand their emotions, like I do. I think it's important for us to understand our emotions. Too many of us just drift between Happy and Unhappy, or as in my youth, between Happy and Angry, without ever nailing down all of the subtle emotions between the extremes. So now, as a maturing person, I try to identify what it is I'm actually feeling. I figure we have such a myriad of possibilities, it's in our best interest to investigate. So when I notice I'm in-between emotions, I spend time with it so I can label it for myself. Writing this is a major part of my labeling process. I'm usually not sure how I feel when I start, but usually have a much better idea by the time I'm finished. Somehow just the act of getting it out puts things into perspective. Like when you write an angry letter to someone, and then after you finish writing it, you're no longer upset. It reminds me of my days sailing the seas in the Navy. We had to use “snail mail” back then. Snail Mail takes on a whole new definition when you don't see land for weeks at a time. There was a serious communication lag time. By the time you got the response to your angry letter, you were no longer angry, but the response was, so then you were again. It was a vicious cycle, until you pulled into port and were able to make a phone call to set the record straight. By which time, neither party was upset any longer.

Upset is such an easy emotion to deal with. Not always an easy one to recover from, but an easy one to deal with. Part of my emotional stew today has to do with this right here. Originally today was my only day off this week, so I had planned on doing this today. Friday is Stella Mae's school's Homecoming. My manager had me scheduled from 2-6:30. I asked if I could come in early, and leave at 6. At first he said “sure.” Then, the next thing I know, he gives me the whole day off. I didn't need the whole day off! He'd rather not have me at all? If so, why was I only scheduled for a few hours to begin with? So I decided to do this today, as I originally planned, instead of waiting for Friday, because who knows what will happen. Not only did he cancel my Friday, but Saturday he changed me to a different store, with less hours. I was somewhat bothered. Then I noticed that next week he is sending me to another different store. But, now with the switches, I'll be getting more hours than I was going to before the changes were made. So I try to look on the bright side. Maybe he's doing me a favor. Maybe him sending me to another store is because he trusts me, and knows I'll actually help them. These are the thoughts that help me keep from going to the old habit. But, I still can't shake this feeling that I'm being screwed somehow. However, that may just be old habit too. Come to find out, retail is quite a fickle business. And as far as I can tell, this is just the calm before the storm.

This will be my first Holiday Season in retail. I can already start to feel it rearing it's ugly head. I'm excited, but anxious too. My co-workers have me nervous about how many more customers we're going to have to help. My managers are trying to pump me up with how much money we're going to make. I am still in the middle. I also have mixed emotions about sending Stella Mae to Europe, but we'll have to cover that on another day, because today my thoughts are with my drummer. He's only a year older than me, and we just found out that his Father died on Friday. He was ill, so they knew it was coming, but still. This year he has lost his Father-in-Law, his Grandfather, and now his Father. He had to cancel band practice tonight. The burial will be in Las Vegas next week. So he cancelled next week's practice too. Then we got a text this morning, saying his wife went into labor at 4 am! They knew the baby was coming, obviously, but what timing. I'm having a little trouble wrapping my mind around the whole “one going out, one coming in” thing. Just a few days, and they could have met. What a lot to deal with. I cannot imagine what it must be like going through all of that. I am sure glad it's not me. And I guess that kind of puts the whole thing into perspective. When you see someone going through the two ultimate life changes in the span of 5 days, with a stiff upper lip, it makes everything else seem like pittance.

Daughn    

Truth In Moderation

Oktoberfest was a pretty big hit. I will say that it seemed a bit milder than years past, but that was a good thing. I'm sure there were still snafus here and there, but I had a great time. In the years past it was so noisy and disjointed that it was at times a bit much to handle. Especially, since I mentioned last week, this was the first year I didn't have to try to fall asleep to um-pah music blaring, while revelers were partying on my lawn, ten feet from my bedroom window. Another thing that was kind of cool was that we paced ourselves. I remember all three days. There was a little bit of blurring, because let's face it, we're not saints. But in general, I have recollection of three distinct days, which made it all the better. That was not always the case. We're getting much better at moderation. We planned ahead, and budgeted. We took breaks and naps. One of the nicest things about living so close is that we can take advantage of that type of situation. Whereas in the past, our home became a place to keep the party going, this year it was a place of relaxation. That was nice. I'm not sure if it's our age, experience, or budget that made it so memorable. Probably a little bit of each. Also, people were not coming out of the wood work like they have in the past. Sure, we ran into people, but it wasn't the horde that we used to run with. Maybe everyone's taking it a little easier these days. It was also somewhat satisfying that the people we did run into were actually people we wanted to run into, not just random drunks.

Don't get me wrong, there were still plenty of drunks there, obviously. But the difference is, they were not coming over to our house. That makes me smile. We got a lot of calls from people saying they couldn't make it, which is cool. It just really got me thinking about moderation, and how many of us are actually getting to that point in our lives. Most of our friends are close to the same age as us, and most are also close to the same financial situation as us. I'm not sure which of these two factors has the greatest influence. Of course, it could be neither. They may just not like the crowds, or the prevalent commercialism. I don't know. All I do know is that I had fun. The most fun I've had at an Oktoberfest in a while. And I contribute that to our moderation. Moderation is taking on a whole new meaning in our lives recently. Having just established a budget, and sticking to it, is really helping us see the means by which we can enjoy ourselves, without destroying ourselves. It's one thing to hear “All things in moderation.” It is quite another to understand it, and to live by it. There are still hurdles, obviously. I imagine it will be a constant learning process. But just the fact that we're looking at it, and taking it seriously, is making a major difference in our lives. And as I mentioned earlier, I'm not sure if this is merely a symptom of growing up, or if this concept of moderation is actually the catalyst. I'm leaning more towards moderation, since there are lots of people older than I who seem to have no clue.

Moderation can be kind of tricky though. Especially in the beginning. We've actually been using a personal breathalyzer to monitor ourselves. It might sound silly, but it helps us establish a baseline. The first few times, trying to figure out what a good limit is, was difficult. Especially after drinking! But, after a few trials and errors, we eventually found a level that we can comprehend, to keep the good times going. Instead of letting the good times get out of control. If you're not looking for that sweet spot, you won't find it, no matter what your age is. But all things are not that easy to analyze. How much to budget for groceries or gas? These also take a while to figure out, because you have no baseline, until you start the trial and error process. Then, once you get a grasp of it, you start to realize what needs to be rationed, and what deserves a little extra. For example: Toilet Paper. Since we started budgeting, we've been doing a lot of shopping at the 99 cent store. At first, finding toilet paper for $0.99 was great. But then you start to realize that you really do get what you pay for. Have you ever used this stuff? I'm not a “super wiper” but it seems like you could use half a roll in one sitting. Plus the weird thing is, they make the little cardboard tube practically indestructible. What's that all about? Now it's taking up extra space in the trash can! It seems moderation is all about give and take. Until you start looking at what you can give, and how much you can take, it's really hard to see the truth.

Daughn  

The "Alone Time" Experiment

It's finally here, the weekend I look forward to all year, Oktoberfest! Supposedly the celebration here in La Mesa is not very “authentic,” but I don't care, I still love it. For one weekend people come here, to have a good time. For us it is kind of like a little reunion. There are some people who we only see for Oktoberfest. Susan's phone started getting blown up yesterday. Everyone's wondering about which day to hang out. It's going to be crazy! We are literally right in the middle of the action, so our lives are altered a bit this weekend. But this is the first time I have the whole weekend off. Well, I guess that's not necessarily true. There was probably a time or two in the late 90's when I had the whole weekend off, but I didn't live this close. This should be fun. I was actually supposed to work tomorrow, but the retail gods shined on me. One of the girls I work with is living in some kind of sober living home, or something like that, and she's basically on lock down if she's not going to work. She needed Wednesday off, and wanted to take my Saturday shift, so she had something to do. Band practice got cancelled for Wednesday, so I jumped at the chance. It was like everything lined up just right to have this happen. Now I've got a full three days off! I need it too. I just worked six straight days in a row! I have not done that in a long time. I'm sure it might not sound that dramatic to you, but to me it's a big deal. Susan pulls a six day week often, so I can't really complain. She's so hardcore.

Although, I do have to say, she didn't do so well with the “Alone Time” experiment. By the time I got home last Saturday she was already plastered. She was unconscious by 7:30. As soon as she got off from her Saturday job, she started hanging out with friends. Which unfortunately lead to me spending my Saturday night by myself. I was more than a little bummed. Saturday night is our night, I had a dinner planned, and some special beverages, and I came home to a drooling buffoon. Not fun. Sunday wasn't any better. As soon as I left for work, she was picked up by her friends to start their day. So what was, I thought, going to be a time for her to have some down time, turned into a weekend full of “get togethers.” It's a bit disappointing to me. I really truly believe what I said about it being important for ourselves to spend time alone with ourselves. It is more to me than just an idea, I feel that I know we need that time. And she knows how I feel, but still avoids “Alone Time” at all costs. It's frustrating. It's also kind of annoying because I've started noticing that Stella Mae is kind of the same way. If I can't even get my own family to understand and appreciate “Alone Time,” how am I ever going to be able to convince other people that it's important? We have this concept we keep in mind of a “Practice Family,” as in a family that practices. Teams practice, Bands practice, Artists practice, so we practice. It gives us a foundation to work on our lives together.

Working on things together gives us the tools to use out in the “real” world. But the concept also involves being able to “try things out.” At least it's supposed to. And I will say that for the most part, the things I try to implement, are well received. I'm only trying to make us better, our lives more efficient, our ability to adapt more acute. I will also say, and I think they'd agree, that for the most part my implementations do help, and we are getting better, more efficient, and more adaptable. We are kicking butt! Stella Mae just got a personal invitation to join a Touring Choir. They're going to go to England and Scotland, traveling and singing. It's quite an honor to be asked to join as a Freshman. But she has such maturity, and such a good voice, that the director is even offering to pay a little of the cost for us. I have to believe that our “Practice Family” is a big part of the reason she has so much maturity and confidence. I have to believe that this concept is working. I also have to believe that we will be even better when we all have time to appreciate “Our Time.” Six days with no “Alone Time” for me has almost been torture. I had to rearrange my schedule, hurry and do laundry after work. No down time kept me from knowing what day it was! And, unfortunately, because of the weekend that it is, my day off is now full of things to do, that I didn't make time for earlier in the week. But you know what? Once it's done, I'll be able sit back and have a good time, basking in the joy of being around others.

Daughn

Planning To Plan

When I have a sporadic work schedule, it's kind of hard for me to keep the days straight. That is a bit strange, since I have calendars everywhere. I'm glad it's Friday, but it's hard to “feel” like Friday when I have to work the next two days. I guess I really should say “get” to work, but I'm still working on switching that around in my head. I am glad I get to work, but it just sucks a little to work both weekend days. It especially sucks during Football Season. I guess I'll just try to remain happy that I don't have to work both weekend days every weekend. It's also kind of interesting because Susan's Mom is taking Stella Mae this weekend. So Susan will be getting plenty of “Alone Time” this weekend. We'll see how that goes. I get plenty of “Alone Time,” and I actually enjoy it. But, Susan is not used to it. Some people don't do good alone. I think we should all have a good portion of “Alone Time” in our lives. It has become apparent to me over the years that this is not the desire of everyone. I'm not sure you can truly know yourself, unless you spend time with yourself. It seems that far too many people see “Alone Time” as an opportunity to reach out to others to fill the vacancy. It's kind of sad, to me. I don't see how you can appreciate being around others unless you spend a significant amount of time without others. And now, we are without Stella Mae, for the weekend. But, unfortunately, my work schedule curtails my evening schedule a bit, so we can't take “full benefit.”

These are the kinds of events I wish we could plan for, but they always seem to be “sprung” on us. It's a tough situation to be in, when you're one of the only “planners” in your circle. It is especially tough to be a “planner” when in retail. My Manager “says” he always tries to have the schedule up a good two weeks ahead of time. But, here it is Friday, and I have no idea what next week looks like for me/us. It's a bit nerve wracking. As I've said before, with only one vehicle for the three of us, logistics becomes a big part of our life. It makes it difficult to organize ourselves without a plan. It makes it difficult to plan without a schedule. It makes it difficult to make a schedule when other people's habits are not in line with your own. What is important to some of us is not important to all of us. I know everyone has things going on in their own life, but we are supposed to be able to handle these things, with out too much “drift.” I find it hard to believe that Susan's Mom had no idea that she would be free this weekend until Wednesday. Is it possible? Yes, Do things change? Yes. Does that make it easy for me to believe? No. My Manager's brother had some kind of procedure done yesterday to get rid of some kidney stones. It seems as though that has been on my Manager's mind. But I find it hard to believe that it has him so worked up that he can't do the schedule. The schedule should have been done already! Especially if he knew this procedure was going to happen. He could have managed it better.

Having said all of that, I also realize that I have to be flexible. I realize that I'm the one who likes to plan, not everyone else. It is so much easier though, to deviate from a plan already hatched. To have a plan to deviate from is 1,000 times better than having no plan at all. Or having to come up with a plan on the spot. Which, I might add, is 1,000 time easier if you are already in the habit of making up plans. I know there is a certain amount of grace that goes along with going with the flow. But, I also understand that “going with the flow” has to be counter-balanced with setting a course to follow. I also know, and feel deep within my “heart,” that the majority of us would do a lot better in our entire lives with a little better planning. Our lives are meant to be organized. Without having a foundation of organization, we only have random chaotic impulses to be dealt with now, or put off until later. Unfortunately far too many of us are putting far too many things off until later. And, those of us making an effort to get some resemblance of organization to our lives, are being somewhat hindered by those who are not. Because we all have to work together. We are not in this alone, no matter how much “Alone Time” we get. And I will tell you from years of experience, I have noticed that if you give a “non-planner” a plan, they will go along with it. They are just unwilling, or unable, to come up with one of their own. So those of us with plans must share them, hoping someday someone will listen.

Daughn

Flying Time

I can't believe how long it's been since I was able to get to this. We have had a couple of packed weeks. I'm having a little trouble recalling all that has occurred. I kept trying to make time, but something always seemed to “come up.” The current busy-ness started with Labor Day weekend. Susan had a friend come into town from Ohio. Plus her Father was also in town, from Washington. We spent Saturday with her friend. It was funny because he sounds pretty country, which I don't really expect from Ohio. He was a cool guy. I had met him before, but I'll probably remember this time better. Susan and I either party harder than the average partier, or we have the most comfortable love seat on the planet. We have had multiple people end up asleep on our love seat. I'm going to have to stop letting people sit there. The funny thing was, he kept mentioning that he has a hard time sleeping. But at our home he was asleep by 8:30 pm. The next day he said he felt so relaxed and comfortable that he couldn't help it. It would be nice to think that it did have something to do with our environment. I would like people to be relaxed and comfortable around us. He is not the only one who's ever mentioned having trouble sleeping, and then fallen asleep on us. Maybe it is us. But then again, now I always get a little suspicious when people say they have trouble sleeping. Maybe they only have trouble sleeping at their home. Or maybe we comatize them, I'm not sure.

Susan hadn't seen her Dad in about 5 years, so it was good that they got to spend some time with each other. He came in on Sunday morning, just in time to take us to breakfast, then get me to work. I thought it was kind of funny, because on my last post, I was mentioning how I thought it was funny to think of going to the movies together, as “time together.” Well, guess what? They went to the movies. I know that's something that people do, I just found it amusing. I haven't seen you in five years, let's go be quiet in the same room together. We went over to her Moms house for Labor Day to spend time with him. It's kind of weird, because I do think of it as her Mom's house, even though it was the house that they shared. It must be a little awkward. I know I sold my house to my Cousin, several years ago. Since then, I have only been there one time, and it was a bit awkward. Someone else living in “your” home. I guess it comes with the territory. My Aunt lived in my Grandmother's house, after her passing, and as you just witnessed, I still refer to it as my Grandmother's house. It's odd the way that our minds will attach possession to a place or a thing, even if we're unaware of it. Sometimes those can be hard to break. For years I had a black SUV. Susan and I shared it, but it was technically “mine.” Well that SUV died, and we replaced it with an almost identical black SUV. However this new, to us, black SUV is technically “ours.” It's so similar that it's often difficult to remember that it is “ours.”

I'm sure we'll get to labels in the future, but for now I want to finish the recap. The day after Labor Day our little angel started High School. High School! I know lots of people go through this, but no matter how many times you hear “Time goes by so fast,” it never really prepares you for how fast time actually goes. One day you're teaching them to ride a bike, the next day they're talking about “When they get their license.” It's still taking us a little bit of effort to get used to this new school, and our new schedule. Apparently we had it made in Middle School. The weekend after Labor Day we went on our annual camping trip. It was fun. I got a little bit of sunburn, but nothing too bad. We went beach camping, which was a welcome relief from our hot spell. It's kind of funny, because I'm starting to like the “new” campers more than the “old” campers. I definitely have room for “new” friends. We got back from camping on Sunday. Monday my Dad calls and says that he's in town, and would like to spend time with us. It was nice. We eat well when he's around. Plus he got us brakes for our SUV. I love you Dad, thanks. Wednesday, I had to recover from Tuesday night. Totally random. Then Friday I spent with my Dad. Monday I spent all day working on some old taxes. They're trying to nail me from 13 years ago. Who keeps sh*t for 13 years?! Oh well, I will overcome. Now here I am today, getting ready for band practice, which also hasn't happened since the last time I did this. I am stoked!

Daughn

Squeaky Hinges And Conditioned Responses

It's kind of muggy where I live. I'm not really used to it, so it's been a little unpleasant recently. I have a hard time complaining about it though, because I know many other people have it much worse, so that's all I'm going to say about it. I kind of got today off on a whim. I was supposed to work until 7:30 pm, but then I reminded my Manager that I prefer my Wednesday evenings free for band practice. I found someone to switch with me so I could get off at 5 pm, leaving plenty of time for practice. Then a few days ago, my Manager said he had assigned too many hours to people this week, and I could have today off completely. I was a little bummed to lose hours, but I was glad to have time to myself. It was a little strange because around 11 am, I was called by my “assistant” manager asking if I wanted extra hours in a different location. I really don't like turning down work, but I also don't like cancelling band practice, especially after I just confirmed yesterday. I went to a little bit of trouble to have practice today, so I figured I'd stick with it. Whereas next week, I was only scheduled for two days! I put in for the 6^th - 8^th off for our annual camping trip. And because we can only have 3 people on staff for Labor Day, due to Holiday pay, he only gave me Tuesday and Thursday! I was a bit amiss, because I had just had a conversation with him about the hours I thought I'd be getting. I told him that in this situation, especially with a weeks notice, I'd gladly trade practice for work. We have to eat!

I ended up getting hours next Wednesday. Not as many as I would have liked, but I got some. And I get to have band practice, so I can't really complain. I hope my band mates are available. If not maybe I can get more hours. I'm still not sure about this whole retail thing. This is my first endeavor into the realm of retail. I find it interesting, but odd at the same time, so I should probably fit right in. I'm still not exactly sure how “okay” it is that I keep voicing my opinion. But I'm not going to stop. I'm a grown man, and my Manager is only a few months older than me, so I have trouble thinking of him as a “boss.” But he is definitely the Manager, and I like him enough, so it should all work out fine. But retail is a fickle business. There aren't many people who've been there a long time. I'm not sure whose choice that was. I imagine most people, like myself, see themselves eventually moving on to something better. Although I will say, the younger people seem to have a much better idea what that thing might be for themselves, than I do. I can't imagine anyone really wanting to stay doing retail for a long time. But I suppose if the hours were right, the pay was right, the location was right, and a person got satisfaction from it, then it would be fine for them. I feel more like I'm doing research. Research for what? I still don't know. I just want to learn this right now. I feel like I'm starting to gain some new level of understanding on how the whole concept works. So it's good for now.

There are funny things about it though. Things you wouldn't necessarily learn about yourself, in other situations. I'm sure we'll get to more of that later. Our Manager is new too. He's only been there a month and a half. We just had this meeting on how it's very important that the customer be greeted right away, so they know we care. Greet the customer right away, got it! Well our door squeaks just a little, when it's being opened. When I first started, with the old Manager, she said you could tell if someone was coming in, or leaving, depending on when you heard the squeak, before or after the bell. I finally know what she was talking about. Now when I hear the squeak, I look towards the door. I can basically see over everything, so it works pretty well. However, the other day, I kept hearing this squeak, but every time I looked towards the door, it wasn't moving. It was starting to drive me nuts. I kept hearing it over and over, and every time, I would direct my attention towards the door, and every time it was nothing. I was getting a sore neck. I started to think that someone, or something, was gnikcuf with me. After all, I thought I had just figured out the squeaky door trick. It was really starting to irritate me, then I turned down one of our aisles. There was a guy who was “just looking” while his friend was “shopping.” He was wearing a knee brace. Then I noticed every time he took a step his knee brace would squeak, and it sounded just like our door! Now I know how Pavlov's dogs felt.

Daughn

Not So "Great" Expectations

Well alright, today feels pretty good. I finally had band practice last night. It was the first time in 2 months. It went pretty well, we had to set up all of our stuff, so that took a little while, but we got to jam for a bit. I thought we did pretty good for not having rehearsed in two months. Sometimes, when we take these breaks, it really is amazing how we come back fairly tight. It's also pretty amazing because we also seem to always come back a little stronger. There really isn't anything quite comparable to “reflection time.” We, as human beings, need time to reflect. That's why “they” say “Hindsight is always 20/20,” you can't really see the full story until it's over. We have to have time apart to see the growth. Plus, after taking so much time off, you either miss it, or could do with out it. We keep coming back. That also makes us stronger. Not playing often, for a musician, is akin to PMS in a woman. It's good to know that we still want to do this. I'm sure all of our significant others are probably glad it happened too. But this time is also a little different because we introduced a new element to our sound. The guitar player, Wagz, is now going to be using effects. We played a gig a couple of weeks ago on someone else's gear, and their guitar player used several effects, so Wagz had access to them, which he used artfully. That then, set his mind ablaze with all of the possibilities. So, thus, last night ushered in the new era of the Eruption. And it was pretty cool.

Today also feels pretty good because this has been the second Thursday in a row. I like patterns. It's especially peculiar tonight because I'm doing this at night. Last week I reminisced about the old Thursday's Crock Pot night. But even before that, I would always sneak over to my office on Thursday nights while Susan and Stella Mae were doing the dishes, because I had no computer at home. So now, sitting here typing on Thursday night seems like an old pair of jeans. It's pretty cool because I was supposed to have yesterday off, but they called me in. Hence, I was not sure when I was going to be able to do this, if at all. But then, as if by miracle, Susan got invited to ladies night at the Car Show. So After I fixed myself dinner, I actually turned the TV off, and am doing something productive! That makes me pretty happy. Besides the price, one of the other reasons I don't have cable is not to give myself more reasons to watch TV. I want to watch TV less. But I still find myself giving it a couple of hours of attention, when I have nothing going on. I would rather do something creative. And tonight I am. I kind of find it hard to be creative when there are other people here. While they're here, I feel that we should be spending time together. But, “spending time together” often means vegging out in front of the tube. Wow, I just thought of how archaic that term is now. Most televisions these days don't have anything to do with a tube. Weird.

I really have cut way back on my TV viewing. There aren't a whole lot of interesting shows on anymore. At least not to me. I'm happy I chose this. It feels weird doing this while other people are in the room, as if I'm ignoring them. Although, now that I write this, I picture in my head us sitting on the couch, not really speaking, just staring at the screen. It's kind of like ignoring each other. That's why I always thought of going to the movies as a kind of strange date idea. When you're younger, I could see it, because you're just looking for a place to make-out anyway. But as a legitimate date, it seems a little strange to go ignore each other for two hours. I do like watching movies, but I find the “pause” button to be quite helpful when you want to say something to each other, without ruining the movie. The “pause” button is also helpful for bathroom visits. Maybe that's why watching movies at home is becoming so popular. Plus there's always the “other people” factor. Sometimes I really feel that a lot of our new modern conveniences are designed around keeping us from one another. Stores suck, go on-line. People talking through the movie, watch it at home. Long line at the DMV, just conduct your business on-line. When did people become such an inconvenience? How is it going to get any better if instead of working on being better, we just avoid one another? We're going to Google ourselves out of existence if we don't start expecting more from each other.

Daughn

Finishing First Things First

It feels good to be getting back into the groove again. It's especially surreal today because I used to always do this on Thursday, and here I am on a Thursday. Thursday also used to always be Crock Pot night, and it just so happens that I'm making dinner with the Crock Pot right now. And to top it all off, two of the Football teams that I regularly like to watch, are playing each other tonight, so it's like I get two for one. Not having cable, I usually don't get to watch the ESPN games, but this one is being televised locally for the first time ever! I'm pretty stoked. I'm not a huge fan, I don't get mad, or scream at the television, or break things. I just like to watch a good game. I know that most people say preseason doesn't really mean anything, but it's still fun to watch, for me, so I'm excited. It's a lot better than the dribble that's usually on these days. Sometimes I feel like such a fogy, complaining about all the kids these days, reminiscing about the old days. That in itself is odd, because I still feel young, and I wasn't really that fond of the “old” days anyway, so I don't know where this sentiment is coming from. All I do know is that all of this reminiscing has got me thinking about tasks left undone. I like to finish things. Even if it takes me years, I like to see things through. Maybe not every single thing, but at least the things that won't let me forget about them. I'm not sure if you have anything like that, but for me sometimes it's like a “Check Engine” light in my head reminding me of incomplete ideas or projects.

Recently, my internal “Check Engine” light has been reminding me that I was not quite through with my original project. Thus it would seem odd to move on to a “next” project, with the previous one being so close to completion. So, therefore I've decided to finish my old project first. It kind of goes along with the project I described a while back, but it was incarnation number one. For a while I was keeping a Blog Topic List. Every time I thought of something that I would want to Blog about, I would write it down in my Blog Topic Notebook. It wasn't a script to go by, I hate having “Rehearsed Material,” I fly by the seat of my pants. It was more of an aid, to help me in case I ever didn't have anything to say. Trying to put something out every week, sometimes leaves you with nothing to say, if you haven't had an extremely eventful week. So I kept a topic list, just in case I needed something to start with. As was often the case, I didn't really need the Blog Topic List, so items, or ideas, that I wrote down, often sat on the list for a long time. Then, a little while back, I decided to tackle the list, no matter what. Sometimes it was only a few lines, because I could not remember why I left myself that particular note, but I would do it anyway. When Myspace deleted my stuff, I figured I would start on with this new project I told you about. However, the old project keeps reminding me that it did not get finished. So before I move on to Thoughts On Life, I shall finish the Blog Topic List.

There are only six items left on the Blog Topic List. Today's is a bit of a trip, because I wrote it down a long time ago, but watching the News today, it actually seems pertinent. Little things like that trip me out! I'm not even sure if I have enough room to tackle this now, but I'll try. The note says “Egypt Protests / Occupy Protests.” At the time of the first Egyptian uprising, we were trying to tell their Government to listen to the protestors. But when our own people were protesting, during the Occupy Protests, our own Government didn't listen to the protestors. Why would we support one and not the other? That seems so hypocritical. It's the total “Do as I say, not as I do” mentality. It's like the person with dekcuf up kids trying to tell you how to raise your kids. No wonder people want us to stay out of their business. If your protest supports our agenda, then we'll support you. But if your protest is against our agenda, then you better stop right gnikcuf now. I don't understand how more people can't see what we're doing. And, just like any “movement” there's no way to tell who the “True Believers” are. I'm sure there were some “loafers” in the Occupy Protests, just trying to be rebel rousers. I'm also sure there were some “loafers” in the Hippie Movement, just there for sex and drugs. There's no way for us to discern the “Wheat from the Chaff.” So how then can we know who we're supporting in Egypt? Here we are a year later, the Egyptians are still upset, and we have no way of knowing whether or not the protestors are our friends or foes. But yet we still meddle!?

Daughn

Showing Up To Say Goodbye

I'm not sure how to feel right now. I'm just, finally, starting to keep a budget. It's been a long time coming. It's a word I have often heard about, but not a concept that was ever taught, or shown, to me. The weird part is that as soon as we started one, and are doing our best to stick to it, our hours got cut. It seems like some kind of odd joke. We finally get our earnings and expenditures mapped out to the “T,” and then it all changes. HA! I will keep my head up, I know things will get turned around, they have to. The part that I'm struggling with at this very moment though, is my free time. For the past ten years I was teaching Comedy Traffic School, a couple of times a week. I had plenty of free time. I had to invent things to do, to keep myself occupied. So when I started my new job, my free time kind of went away. Or at least got trimmed way down. Thus, I find myself in an interesting situation, as of this moment, because I'm bummed at my loss of hours (income), but I'm glad to have some of my free time back. I was not made to be busy constantly. I think down time is important. Especially as a creative person. It's hard to be creative moving from task to task. Well, I guess every finished task is an act of creation, but we'll get to that at a later date. I'm talking about artistic creation. Nothing hinders the creative mind more than busy-ness. Busy-ness!? Business!? I just got that right now. That can't be Coincidence! It's especially funny to me because I always say it “busy-ness” in my head, so I know how to spell it.

I also feel a little strange because on Wednesday, my other day off, I went to a funeral. It was only the third funeral I've ever been to. Well, now that I think about it, it was the fourth, but I hardly count the first one. It was a funeral for the stillborn child of my boss when I worked at the hospital when I was 18. Never mind, I guess it counts. Of the four, I only really knew one of them, my Grandmother. It was kind of odd, now that I think about it, because my Grandmother, and Susan's Grandfather, died within months of each other, within weeks of us meeting. As if our relationship, was kind of ushered in through death. Whoa, that was kind of morbid, sorry about that. I had met her Grandfather once or twice, I knew my Grandmother my whole life. They were both so close to death, that by the time they died, I wasn't really sad. In those cases, I see death as the end of suffering, so it's not really “sad” to me. The saddest thing at my Grandmother's funeral was hearing my Mom sob. I had never heard a noise like that before. The thing that impressed me at Susan's Grandfather's funeral was the amount of people who showed up. A lot of people were at my Grandmother's funeral too, but it seemed different. He was everyone's Step-something or other, some didn't even seem to know how they felt about him. Some of them had not seen each other in years, but they all showed up to say goodbye. After what I experienced on Wednesday, that even stands out as more remarkable.

I never met the person who's funeral I attended on Wednesday. I wasn't even sure why I had to go, but Susan was pretty persistent. We know the son of the deceased. But we don't know him that well! However, I took it as an opportunity to do something I don't normally do, a learning experience, so to speak. There were only about 15 of us there. There were only like 6 people there who really even knew him. The rest of us there were just there to support the two sons. No one was there for the deceased's sister. More than half of the people there didn't even know him! It really struck me. I don't know why. Something seemed off about having only a hand full of people who cared. I'm not sure if it was the low turn out, the military honors, or the fact that no one really seemed overly emotional, but I ended up getting pretty emotional. It was weird to shed tears over someone I never even knew. I wasn't a “mess,” or anything, but it definitely got to me. By the end, I was very glad I went, our friend really appreciated it. I can see now that supporting the bereaved is just as, if not more, important than saying goodbye to the deceased. I always thought I wanted to vanish without pomp or circumstance, just slip away into the great beyond. But now for some reason I find myself thinking about the people who'll be left behind, and the people who will comfort them. And for some strange reason I find myself wondering whether I could do better than 6 plus 9.


Daughn

Back Story For The New Project

Alright, two weeks in a row, now we're getting somewhere. There's a couple of funny things about today's date. Today would have been my 20^th wedding anniversary, if I were still married, and if she were still alive. Today is also my long-time girlfriend, Susan's, sister's 30^th birthday. My ex-wife and I got married in Las Vegas, and guess where Susan's sister decided to spend her birthday? You got it, Las Vegas. She also took Susan's daughter, Stella Mae, with her. So Susan and I have our home to ourselves for the week. That would normally mean debauchery, but as luck would have it, we haven't the money, or the desire, to destroy ourselves, so we're actually having fun, together. Susan's daughter is only 14, and her Aunt really isn't that much of a partier, so we're not too worried. I'm not even sure why she would pick Las Vegas, or why she would want a 14 year old with her. But she did and she does. Don't get me wrong, I love Stella Mae, she is fun to spend time with. But when I go to Las Vegas, I don't want to be anywhere near children. I go there to have fun, “adult style.” I'm sure we'll get into that in the future, but it doesn't look like we'll be vacationing anytime soon. It's good that we like our home life, otherwise we might be a little desolate right now. I'm just glad people are willing to spend time with Stella Mae. I don't spend, nor do I plan to spend, any time with other people's children. But, since Stella Mae is cool, she's gets to do a lot of things she would otherwise not get to do. I hope she realizes that as she continues to grow.

Speaking of growing, I've realized recently, especially after writing that last paragraph, that you probably don't know that much about me. One of the things I've kind of been on the fence about, is how to deal with the fact that the past 5 years I've been doing this, is foreign to you. I thought about posting the archives, but that seemed to be a bit pompous. I had agreed to just continue on as if you already knew the past 5 years of content, so that my running narrative kept it's continuity. But that seemed to leave too much out. So I have now decided to start fresh, as is seemingly the theme for my current life. Without going into too much detail, there are a couple of things that I think you should know, so we can move on. I live in La Mesa, CA. I love it here. It's really close San Diego, CA. I was in the Navy for a while after High School, then I taught Traffic School for a while, and now I work at a store that sells work boots. I've been helping raise Stella Mae since she was 2, she just turned 14, I'll let you do the math on that one. My ex-wife left me in 2000, I met Susan in 2002, and we've been having a good time getting to know each other ever since. I have now officially been with Susan longer than I ever knew my ex-wife. The details may come out later but that's the gist of that. I'm in a band, and have played around San Diego since the mid 1990's. I'll let you do the math on that one too. I'm currently in the process of listening to albums that I never actually got around to listening to. If you're interested you can check it out on Facebook.

Those are the things that I mention often, so now you have a little insight, in case it was getting confusing. Now for the meat of the new project. I've been working on a book since 1999. Having never written one before, it's taken some time. By the time I did enough research to have something to write about, life got in the way. In the most fascinating of ways. More on that later. What's important for now, is that I started doing this type of writing to train myself to write. I wanted to get better at writing so that my book would not be my actual first attempt. So, for the past 5 years I've been “practicing” writing. I always thought it didn't matter if anyone read it or not, because I was just “practicing.” Then I started thinking about being read. Just around the time I was considering moving to a more used site, Myspace got rid of all my work, forcing me to make a choice. Coincidence? I think not. I follow these events like crumbs through the woods. That brings me here and now. Over the past couple of years, I've kept notebooks like I keep calendars, everywhere. In one particular notebook, I've kept track of these ideas that pop into my head. No matter what time of day, no matter how mundane, if it feels like it's pertinent to my work, I write it down. As of this morning there are 206. The same exact number as the bones in the human adult. Coincidence? So my new project is to expound on one of these ideas every week. This morning was actually the first time I wrote a new one down in quite while. I'm really excited, this is going to be fun.

Daughn

Thrown Bones And Future Branches

I feel like I let myself down last week, by not making the time to get onto the computer, especially because of the reason. Car Show. Once again making plans to take it easy and save money gave way to our desire for fun and tomfoolery. I am excited to say that this week we did stay home, and I feel very motivated today. Today is also laundry day, which excites me even more. Now that I have a regular job, I go through a lot more clothes than I ever remember going through before. Before, laundry day was more of a task to be done, where as now, laundry day is a must. I used to be able to stretch it out if needed to. But now, I really need clean clothes. It's hard to believe how many clothes get used on a regular basis. I know that may sound gross, but it's a reality that I'm still adjusting to. Laundry day is also exciting because we make a night out of it. We pick a laundromat in a part of town that has many food options that are close to it. That way we make a whole night of it, we have dinner while our clothes are getting cleaned. At this point in our life, laundry night is our night out. We used to go out every Friday, but now we just can't. We used to have regular Sundays out, but those are gone too. I know things will get better, but it seems as though we've really painted ourselves into a corner. Now we have to tighten up the belt. Part of it was our own doing, and part of it had to do with the circumstances that we were given, but either way, the “party” has come to an end.

Not to say that we're not still having fun. This is not about sadness, it's about a new type of happiness. The happiness that comes from sticking to a plan. The happiness that comes from digging yourself out of a hole. The happiness that comes from truly being grateful for what you have, instead of just saying it. I figure it's something that we really need. How can we eventually be successful if we can't control ourselves? If we can't run a family, how can we run a business? If we can't handle sobriety, than how can we handle reality? And that's one of the biggest things that's changing, I enjoy my sober life so much that there is becoming no “real” need to alter it. I don't much feel like socializing that much anymore. It's fun every once in a while, with people we really know and like/love. But going out, just to go out, is getting to be a bit of a bore. People watching, one of my favorite things to do, is becoming less and less interesting, as more and more people just stare at their gnikcuf phones. If I wanted to see a bunch of blue faces, I'd go watch the Blue Man Group, or the Smurfs, at least they're entertaining. Plus I have gotten so far away from what “people” want to listen to, that 90% of the time, I cannot stand the music coming from the jukebox. Why would I want to listen to a bunch of yttihs music, with a bunch of people more interested in their phone than their current location? That is not my idea of fun. How interesting that I come to this realization, at a point of financial stress. Coincidence?

When I started going out, it was about people like me, listening to music like me, in a location that I liked. I don't know what happened to places like that. They must still be out there, they have to be, don't they? Maybe at this time it's a good thing I don't know. Now I have most of my fun at other people's homes. Or like last weekend, I actually had fun at a wedding! I don't know if you know this already or not, but I generally can not stand weddings. I won't get into it at this point, but I am not a fan. But last Saturday we went to a Pirate/Steam Punk themed wedding on a real, floating, pirate ship. I don't think there was even thirty people. Everyone was dressed up, everyone was happy. There were no lines for anything. There was a real pirate band. There were real gypsies. No toasts, no cake, no dinner with strangers, no this, no that, it was really nice. It was the most fun I ever had at a wedding. Plus, having everyone in costumes, on a real ship, it was like we were in a different world. Reality really was suspended for the night. It made up for the fact that we missed the first trolley there, and the last trolley home. It was a 45 dollar cab ride to get home, but well worth it. We won't ever forget that night, as I'm sure neither will the bride and groom. The funny part is, it was the best wedding I've ever been to, and we don't even know them that well. It's funny how life often throws you a bone, just when you need it. I can't wait to see what this new branch of future has in store for me and my family.

Daughn

Still Feeling New

Man the past two weeks have been a little crazy.  My band had a show, then it was play week for my daughter, then we went to see my parents for the Fourth of July, we came back and went right back to work, then Stella Mae just had Volleyball camp!  This is the first time I've been able to sit and do nothing for over two weeks.  Well I guess that's not exactly true, at my parents house we didn't do much at all.  We swam a lot, and ate a lot, we visited a lot, and drank a lot, but that doesn't really count as doing "nothing."  It's so strange, because for years, I had all the free time in the world.  I spent most of my days making up things to do.  I was only teaching traffic school a couple of times a week, so I had to invent things to occupy my time, and mind.  Now I rarely ever even get a chance to be bored.  The pendulum has definitely shifted.  It's a nice change of pace, and I hope to be able to get into a routine again soon, but for now, I'm having a bit of trouble adjusting.  Planning has become a major part of my life.  Having three people with active lives, living under the same roof, with only one vehicle, every detail of our lives has to be synchronized.  It has come to the point that everything needs to be written down.  I used to be really proud of my memory.  I felt I had no need to write anything down, because I knew I would remember it.  Now I have calendars in every room.  Google Calendar has really helped, so we can all check our schedules wherever there's a computer.  It has really made our organization much smoother.  But now we have a calendar on-line, plus we print out a hard copy.  We also have a standard wall calendar.  And on top of all of that, I keep a copy of my work schedule.  So in our home you are literally never further than six feet from a calendar.  Boy, writing all of that out makes it sound a little ridiculous.  But it's working, and like I said, this is new, I'm sure we'll find our groove eventually.

Today is a strange kind of a day.  Susan and I partied pretty hard last night.  It was the first Car Show of the season.  If you're not familiar, La Mesa has a car show every Thursday night during the summer.  If you are into cars, I strongly recommend it.  Neither Susan nor I are really that into cars.  But we are into parties, and the Car Show is kind of like a party.  We won't be making it to every one.  We probably won't go again until the last one.  The first one and the last one are usually the most fun.  At least for us.  I'm sure for the car people they're all great.  But we are on a budget, and trying to go out less.  I'm not sure if you've ever tried to "go out less," but in our case when we try to "go out less,"  that usually means we try to cram all of our partying into one night.  That night was last night!  I came home with five bucks in my pocket, so I'm happy we didn't go over budget, but it feels like we got way to drunk for the amount of money that we spent.  I was hungover until close to 11:30 this morning.  I'm lucky to have the day off, Susan was not so lucky.  I don't know how she does it.  Here's the kicker, we're getting new windows today.  When I spoke to the men yesterday, they said they'd be here about 8 or 8:30 this morning.  8 or 8:30!?  In the morning!?  On my day off!?  After Car Show Night!?  But hey, it's going to be nice to have new windows.  I usually wake up early anyway, and on our budget, I thought I'd be fine this morning, so it seemed like no big deal.  Until this morning.  I was rudely awoken this morning by Susan mistaking the foot of my bed as a toilet.  That's a fun way to wake up.  I made my way out to the couch to wait for the window guys.  They didn't show up until almost 9, which I guess was fine, since I was in no mood to see them at 8.  Not that I was in any better mood at 9, but I think you get my drift.  The weird thing was that they said they would start with my neighbors, and get to me later.  Get to me later!?  Then why the f*ck tell me 8 or 8:30!?

I wasn't sure how to feel about that.  I was partly happy because I got to get some more rest on the couch while I waited patiently for my actual turn.  But I was partly bummed because, I was already prepared, and then I had no idea when it would actually be my turn.  It's like being in purgatory.  So I waited.  Patiently.  While they tended to my neighbors.  After lunch, I was feeling much better, and decided it was time to do this.  After all, it had been two weeks, and I like this to occur weekly.  Plus I hadn't gotten to listen to my Albums I've Always Meant to Listen To in two weeks either.  If you're interested in that, you can check my Facebook page to see which ones I've listened to.  I've been getting a lot of cool suggestions lately.  It's really turning out to be quite a cool page.  People seem to be responding to it quite well.  Today's suggestion came from my guitar player, he suggested The Division Bell by Pink Floyd.  I can't say I've always wanted to listen to it, but I've always meant to listen to more Pink Floyd, so I accepted.  Here's the strange part, as soon as I start listening, and writing, the window guys showed up!  Banging and carrying on, almost the very moment I started.  Go figure! I could barely even hear the album.  I'm glad the noise didn't take that long.  But the part that makes it extra strange is that this almost same thing happened a few weeks ago, when the plumbers came to fix my bathroom.  Twice in a month, that can't be coincidence.  But you know what?  My tub drains now, the roof stopped leaking, and now I have new windows.  All in the name of progress.  I really do feel like life is starting over for me in a way.  New car, new job, new clothes, new bathroom, new windows, new blog site.  This has all been a real long time coming.  I'm assuming you've probably just started reading this, but this has been five years now for me.  Five years of my life, opening up, hoping to become a better writer.  And yet somehow it all still feels brand new.


Daughn

A Brand New Chapter

This is a little strange, as of the time of this writing, I have no idea what to do with this, or where I'm going to put it. It is 9 o'clock in the morning on the longest day of the year, I'm listening to Motorhead's album Ace of Spades, and apparently I'm on a new journey. For the past 5 years, since July of 2008, I have made an attempt to write at least once a week for public consumption. I used to write everyday for myself, but that has since taken a back seat. I'm sure we'll get to that at some point in the future. When I first started “blogging,” I didn't even really know what a Blog was. I had heard the term used, I had what I thought was a general idea of what it was, but I had never participated in either reading or writing one. At that time, having no computer of my own, I was only using a computer once a week, so I was not very tech-savvy. My Myspace page was actually set up for me by one of my band mates at the time. He wanted us to all be on Myspace, so he set it up. I didn't even know initially, I found out when people stared telling me to be careful what I post. At first I thought there may have been some sort of mass delusion going on, but it turns out that I was the delusional one. Thus my first “Blog” was a bit of a joke. I just did it to try it out, which is something I do often, as I'm sure we'll get to at some point in the future. After that first one, every week, when I went to use the computer, I would try to tell a little story about what was going on. That soon became my reason for going to use the computer.

Over the years, even though everyone else bailed to Facebook, I kept on posting to Myspace. I saw my readership go from an average of about 30 hits a week, down to zero. Over the past year, I think it got read a total of 6 times. I take responsibility, I did not go with the herd. I thought I wasn't really interested in people actually reading it. To me it was more about the thought that they could read it. Since people could read it, I was trying to make it the best I could, and thought of it as a practice of sorts. I came up with content every week, even if it was just the mundane details of my trivial life. All the while, I was proud that I was getting my words in, and feeling that at least it would always be there for posterity's sake. I've often heard that people have to be very careful about what they post on-line, because once it's on-line it's on there forever. Well I have recently learned that is not necessarily true. After five years of using Myspace to practice the craft of writing in a consumable format, they changed the game. They have decided that the Blog section of their site was no longer important, so they did away with it. Along with my, and everyone else's, content. I am fortunate enough to have had the foresight to print everything in hard copy as I went, I'm still not completely trusting of computers, so I have copies of everything I wrote. Not everyone was so lucky. I suppose they shouldn't have been so trusting, if it was important to them.

This brings us to the strangeness of today. For the past few months, I've started listening to albums that I've always wanted to listen to, but never got around to. I've been listening to the albums as I write. Well, this week I went to listen and write, and that's when I found out that Myspace had gotten rid of all my stuff. I searched frantically, for a good bit before I realized it was futile. So, as the week went by, I still wanted to listen to an album, and I still wanted to write, it's become habit, I suppose. Hence, I am here listening to Motorhead not sure if anything is even going to become of what it is that's being written. All I do know is that I still have the desire to write. I also know that after a long stretch of readership decline, I have the desire to be read. I suppose my only real choice at this point is to go onto a blogging site, and hope that readers find me. I'm still kind of against the idea of asking people to read it, so I can't see myself “marketing.” Like I said earlier, it's more the idea that they could read it if they wanted to. Whoever “they” are. It probably won't even happen today, since I'm running out of time. Imagine that, running out of time on the longest day of the year. But this seems like a totally appropriate day for this to happen, I always celebrate this day anyway, it's time for a change. I have what may be my band's only show of the whole year tomorrow. I practically have a whole new life, compared to just a few short months ago. What better time to start something new?

Daughn