Wow, three weeks behind, and only three weeks left to catch up. I guess I’m going to have to be doubling up. I’m not sure exactly how this is going to work, but I’ll try to make it seamless. I’ve done two things I never do: 1) I made a list to make sure I stay on top of where I should be, and 2) I looked over the last post, so I knew what I said. My note to myself said the missing post was from “Veteran’s Week.” Then, when I logged on, I noticed/remembered that I did post on Veterans Day, so I don’t have to go through that again. Although, that was to have been from the 6th, so technically, I am a month behind. Exactly a month. That doesn’t change what I have to do, it just changes the perspective. Obviously, it has been tough to squeeze this in. Adapting to a new job, along with the holidays, and a fleeting relationship, doesn’t really leave much time to stop and think for a bit. I think a lot in the car, while I’m driving, but thinking at the keyboard has obviously gone to the wayside. Which is the type of thinking I’m typing about here. The kind I share with you. This may get a little messy, but I hope to make it easy to follow. Obviously, after all this time, there is a lot to get to. But, there is also a lot going on in my head right now, so I’ll try not to trail off so much, but some things need said/written, and some are just to keep myself straight, and put context to what has been going on. For example: Yesterday was my mother’s birthday. We are going out to celebrate our combined birthdays. Mine was on the 3rd. I’m excited, we’re going to Kaiserhoff’s, in OB. We’ve never been there. It should be fun. Waiting until I got to the appropriate posting day would be lame in this instance.
When I say that “we” are going to Kaiserhoff’s
tonight, I’m talking about my nuclear family. Nuclear being the family I was
born into. I made the reservations for 5, but, after this week, I uninvited my “wife.”
As usual, I’m not sure how much I should get into, but, also as usual, it is
what’s on my mind, and can’t “skip” over it. Things are not going good. Last
night “we” were supposed to go pick out our cups for the chili cook-off tomorrow,
but I cancelled that too. I feel bad, because I really wanted to go. It’s the
SONO Chili Cook-Off, and it’s a big deal. I’ve been wanting to go for a while.
I also feel bad because some new friends of ours actually bought our tickets,
weeks ago. They wanted to go with us so bad that they took the initiative! But I
just can’t do it. When I looked back at my last post, I was reminded how long
this “rough patch” has been affecting me. It hasn’t been good. And it seems
like a really long time since I last wrote you. I do, however, feel that I can’t
do this anymore. How many last chances? Jesus said to turn the other cheek, but
I’m running out of cheeks! The last straw had to have been my birthday. All I
wanted was her to be sober and present, but she wasn’t. I don’t expect
presents, I wanted her presence, but I did not get it. For some reason, she
feels that not working means she can just get wasted all day. I don’t agree,
and I have said as much, many times. I let her know that I’m about done, and
that if she can’t make an effort to stop this behavior, I have to go. But she
doesn't seem to care. She just keeps saying one thing, and doing another.
Sneaking around, completely unaware that she’s not fooling anyone. It’s really
sad. And I can’t take it.
So, I think this is the demise of my
second marriage. I hate being a statistic. I can’t force her to get help. I can’t
force her to be honest. I can’t force her to be the person I know she can be,
and is, deep down. But, I can’t be walked on, lied to, and disrespected.
When I asked her about getting help, she
made a comment about considering NA. NA! I thought this was an AA problem, not
an NA problem. I don’t even know what I’m dealing with here now. All I know is
that twice now, in the past month, she’s been practically comatose for two days
straight. She claims that she’s just “smoking weed.” But, I haven’t noticed our
supply shrinking, and I haven’t seen her doing it. I don’t know if you ever
smoked, but I do, a little before bed, and I have smoked a lot. I’ve been
around people who smoke a lot! But, I’ve never known of a situation where you
smoke weed at 10am on a Tuesday, and you can’t function again until Thursday.
It doesn't make sense. I know she’s lying. I threw all of our glassware out.
Now she can’t “smoke a bowl.” I don’t know what else to do. I want her to be my
wife, I love her, and I thought we’d be spending the rest of our lives
together. But, when I made that decision, it was with a person who could finish
a sentence. I would never have gone on a second date with who she’s become. It’s
so frustrating, that I feel I’ve gotten past anger at this point. I’m tired of
fighting, and being disappointed. I’m tired of looking straight into the face
of someone lying to me. Acting as if I can’t tell. Turning everything on to me,
and never being willing to exam the issue. On Wednesday, my birthday, after she
sobered up from Tuesday with her sister, she swore it was over, she realized
what she was throwing away, and wanted to make changes. I came home on Thursday
to a zombie. It’s not fair, it’s not right, and I can’t take it anymore. Sorry
so sad.
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