Certainly Uncertain

      Happy Veterans Day! It’s also Singles Day, Sundae Day, Education Day, Metal Day, and Origami Day. I’m still having trouble figuring out when, and how, to fit this into my busy life. Practice got cancelled tonight, so I have some extra time. Although I probably should be practicing anyway. Plus, I’m having trouble getting into the mood today. I tried having an adult discussion with my wife, and she turned it into a fight, and stormed out of the room. Ruined my night, then told me to have a “nice evening.” It would have been fine if I came home to a sober person, but since I didn’t, things went poorly. Imagine that. I wonder if anyone else has had the experience where things don’t go well with a person who would rather be “messed up.” Sorry, I’m hoping the sarcasm came through. It’s not fun, and I don’t know that we’re going to make it. I know I can’t keep going this way. I honestly feel that she cares more about altering her behavior than she does anything else. I’ve been trying to look on the “Brightside” for a while now. It feels like a long while, and I’m not sure how many “last chances” should be given. It feels like she’s not taking me seriously. And I’m bummed. We’ve been together a long time. I love her, but I’m not a fan of her “altered behavior.” She’s not the same person. I would have never suggested getting married if this was going on before. It’s bizarre to me that it would happen now that we were doing well. We’ve been partiers for a long time, but now I need it to stop. Weekends are fine, but even that is starting to not be so fun. I feel we should be sober the majority of the time, and she does not. And, I know that sober, we would be better together, but she’s not interested. I know I can’t force her, so it leaves me feeling I only have 1 choice.

     Sorry to lay that on you. But, it is what I was thinking about, and that’s kind of how this goes. And, I imagine at this point, you can see why I’m having trouble not thinking about it. However, I will try, because I don’t really want to air dirty laundry online. I’ve probably already said more than I should. But, I had to get it out, and hope I didn’t bum you out too much. I hope you haven’t had to go through this. I know people who have had to, and it doesn’t ever sound fun. Especially because I know if she would just take it seriously, we’d be fine. But she won’t. And it sucks. I don’t want to get rid of my best friend, but I hardly recognize her. I guess I’ll leave it at that. It is weird that this happened on Singles Day. Obviously, this has been coming for a while, but I got a kick out of it being Singles Day, when I’m really dreading the idea of it. I don’t want to be single. I like being a couple. I suppose a lot of people do. I know we’re all “supposed” to be fine alone, but single people sure complain about it a lot. I spend a lot of time alone, and I do feel “fine” with it. However, sharing a life is special. I feel we’re supposed to “couple up.” Enjoying the company of another person is like holding a mirror up to yourself. I’m not sure we can know ourselves without being seen through the lens of another individual. And, here I go again. This is the dilemma, I don’t want to be away, I love her, I just don’t want to be around a wastoid. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s ever sat around wondering why someone can’t just stop. It’s confusing. I guess I’ll leave it at that. Nothing’s going to be solved by sitting here typing. It’s not making me feel any better like it usually does. It’s making me more sad.

     Metal Day! Are you kidding me?! I’m not a fan of all kinds of metal, but I do appreciate some. It seems like it would be a good thing to bring to people’s attention. There are probably people who never gave it a chance. I say try some, you may like it. Origami Day?! It’s cool. I remember learning a couple of basic ones when I was a kid at school in Japan. I thought it was fun. Some of it is very ornate. I’m always impressed when someone can bust one out. Education Day!? That should be every day! If you’re not learning, you’re losing. Sundae Day!? It feels like we just had that. Like we need an excuse to have a sundae. I made one the other day with a piece of pumpkin pie, and some caramel sauce. It was awesome. It was on Sunday, which I thought was clever in and of itself. Veterans Day did not make the list I normally look at. I wonder if it was too obvious? How could you not include the big one!? It seemed odd, but I’m over it. It was kind of weird too, because some kids were off yesterday, and some were off today. I’m not sure what that’s all about. I was not thanked today. Usually someone will thank you for your service, but not today. Today was a little chaotic. We took a bunch of people from work to Julian for some pie. 1) We were not organized. I’m not sure who was supposed to “know” what was going on, but it was not apparent. We ended up staying way too long, and messing up our evening transportation schedules. Not good. 2) A lot of people also went to Julian today. It was packed! There were lines for everything! Parking was a nightmare. If they suggest it next year, I think I’ll make a different suggestion. Apparently, no one knew what we were in for. Yikes! I never got a lunch! Also, really quick: Today was a “friendiversary” with some one we met on 11/11/11, and this was the first year since, that none of us contacted each other. Weird!

Connecting The Connections

      Happy Zero Tasking Day! It’s also Look For Circles Day, Deviled Egg Day, Orphan Sunday, and Ohio Day. Ohio Day!? Give me a break, I’m not touching that one. Looking for circles!? I’m not dealing with that one either. Now it just seems like they’re making shit up. Orphan Sunday! I can get behind that one. When we have it so good, it can be tough to remember that there are people who wish they had families to be with. I feel for them. That’s one of the things I’m proudest of, is being in the life of the person I call Daughter. I always knew I didn’t want children, and thought that if that ever changed, I would want to take care of someone who already existed, as opposed to bringing another person in. And, I’ve done that. I know she isn’t an orphan, but she was someone with only one parent, and I stepped in to help, and it has made my life immeasurably better for it. Every time I see people on TV complaining about their fertility woes, and how much money they’ve wasted trying to conceive “naturally,” I wonder why they don’t adopt. There are people on this planet who need others, and it seems like people are selfishly trying to bring other people in, instead of helping the ones who are already here. I feel if you want to be a parent, it shouldn’t really matter if it’s biologically “your” child. I happen to think the love can be deeper when it’s a love you chose. It’s easy to love a biological child, there’s an almost automatic feeling of love for your own progeny. But, loving someone just because you do, is, or at least can be, more impactful. There isn’t a “reason” for it. It just is. Plus, loving someone “just because,” creates a dynamic that keeps you from seeing the individual as a mini-you, or a mini-your partner. You don’t see your shortfalls, you only see them for who they are, not some amalgamation of genes and behaviors you don’t quite understand.

     Wow, that took a turn. Obviously, I feel strongly about it. I also have to make a mention of Deviled Egg Day. This was a weird one. I have some pickled eggs in the fridge. They probably should have been eaten already, but there are still a few left. This morning, at breakfast, I said to my wife that I thought I’d make some deviled eggs with the pickled eggs this afternoon. Then, when I was getting ready to write this, and saw it was National Deviled Egg Day I almost had a conniption! Those are the little jolts of energy that keep me going! It may sound silly, but when things like that happen, I really do feel like there has been a divine interjection. I don’t normally write on Sunday, but I’ve got to get these in somehow. And, the randomness that I happen to be doing this today, after having been prepared to make deviled eggs, and then find out it’s deviled egg day, is more than my brain is willing to conceive as random! Even if I’m reading into it, it still makes me feel good to feel this way. The thought that the divine energy could be interacting with me keeps me motivated. And, I don’t care to stop feeling that way. And, I am happy to say, that the more I feel this way, the more it continues to happen. And that is also more than my brain can conceive as random. I honestly feel that people keep themselves from feeling this way often. Talk ourselves out of the idea that when we feel this divine intervention, it’s true! I say why not own it!? Even if it’s something as silly as National Deviled Egg Day! It fills me with joy, and has me looking forward to the next little thing that makes me feel this way. Do yourself a favor, the next time you have the feeling that something that happens makes you feel like the Universe is listening to you, claim it! You may not be wrong!

     Like, for example, our next little trip: Zero Tasking Day! I also feel strongly about it. And, the fact that it came up today, on a day when I normally don’t do any tasks, gives me the chills. I don’t really consider this a task, although it kind of is. 2 out of the 5 directly relate to my life, on a day I shouldn’t probably even have been doing this! Outrageous! I take the idea of a day of rest very seriously. I figured, since I was just going to be sitting around watching football anyway, there’d be no harm in getting this done while the game is on. It’s only slightly more involved than just sitting here. Although, it is half time now, and I don’t even have any idea what the score is. It is surprisingly not distracting me. Whereas, when it’s a show with a plot, and dialogue, I can get easily distracted. I’m a little bummed that I’m not really interacting with my wife while I do this. But, it’s only for an hour, and she’s here with me, so it’s kind of like we’re spending time together, just quietly. Working a regular job has us trying to figure out all kinds of different ways to get the things done that need done, in a new way. Keeping a day of rest, when you only have 2 spare days, makes it a little tougher. Before, I was able to get all kinds of things done during the week. That is more complicated now. But, I love it. I’m having fun, and getting paid, to help people. Kind of like what I was writing in the beginning, I’m taking care of people who need taken care of. I’m getting to use all of my skill sets to help people have a better life! You can’t beat that! I feel useful! And, most of all, like I was mentioning a little bit earlier, I feel connected! I literally feel like my life is being tailored for me. I wish we could all feel that way.