Confused, Amused, And Curious

      I didn’t realize until I was done last week, that it was my 200^th post! “Wow,” I thought, “That’s a lot!” Then I realized that 104 of those were just the last two years. So, a little air got taken out of my sail. However, I’m not going to let that stop me from feeling glad about the milestone. There could still be just 96! I’m sitting here staring at those first few sentences, thinking: “Wow, that’s all I got?” Completely blank. Then I started to feel that actually, I may have a lot to write/say, but there’s so much of it that they may be blocking themselves from getting through the funnel. That happens to me sometimes when I’m filling my spice grinder. I have to be careful not to try to put too many peppercorns in at one time, or else none come out. Then I have to stand there, shaking the funnel, hoping to dislodge the peppercorns that have become intimate, all while trying not to spill them everywhere. I’m not sure that shaking my head will help dislodge any entangled ideas. Although, I am sitting here, shaking my head, just not in the same way. I can’t believe it’s almost the end of January. It feels like the year just started, but we’re already basically done with the first month. In a way, that’s kind of good. I’m kind of hoping this entire presidency would end in the blink of an eye. One month down, 47 to go. Whoa, and he’s the 47^th! I just blew my mind a little. At the end of every sentence, I’m like: “Okay, now what?” I didn’t want to get into a whole thing about this president, but, right now, it’s hard for a lot of us not to be thinking about it. I am curious to see how this is all going to go down. I’m not mad, like a lot of people seem to be. I consider myself confused, amused, and curious.

     Life has slowed down for me a lot since I quit the Hustlers. They had their first show without me last weekend. It was kind of weird seeing all the pictures without me in them. But seeing that guy’s face just made me remember why I left. I listened to a little bit of the videos. It pretty much sounds the same, although, it seems like he’s trying to be more of a co-frontman now. I think his voice is awful, and hearing it more prominent in the mix, made me really glad to not be a part of it. I’ll miss being on stage, but not him. Then, both of my other bands have a sick person in them. There is some nasty shit going around. Our daughter missed 4 days of work! They made her get a doctor’s note! I feel like I’m just about barely over it. I feel like I’ve been battling some nasty shit since Dia de los Muertos! That’s almost 3 months! Mostly just this mucus, that I can’t quite lose. Anyway, I don’t want this to be about illness. But, after writing that, I do have to say, I am feeling better than I have in months! I am happy about that. Which is why I’m also glad that my infected bandmates have decided to not infect the rest of us! So, no practice this week. Part of me is glad to have the extra time with my wife, but the other part misses playing. I took almost a month off with The Calvins, with the holidays and everything. I finally got to see them last week. It didn’t feel like it had been a month. Well, except for a couple songs. That is when they told me that we cancelled our gig for the 15^th! I can’t believe they cancelled a gig without telling me! That struck me as odd. I know they have a text thread without me, and that’s fine, but letting me know I’m not busy on the 15^th is a second thought?! Something’s fishy.

     So, basically, I’ve gone from gigging once or twice a month, to an empty calendar. (Imagine a tumbleweed rolling in the desert, while the whistling song from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly plays.) My how times have changed. However, one of the cool things about life, is that it often offers you ways to fill in the gaps. For example, I believe I told you that our friend Mark Miller died. I believe I told you that the Eruption is playing for his service. I thought it was a “show.” Apparently, that’s not quite the case. Which makes more sense. I thought it was weird to have a hard rock band play a memorial service. Especially for a “coffee house” kind of guy. After talking to our guitar player last week, I got a better idea of what’s going on, and we decided that we shouldn’t play our stuff. From what I gather, because the guy knew a lot of musicians, several people are going to be getting up and playing. So, we’re only going to be doing about 5 songs. We decided to do 2 of the songs we used to cover, and then 2 of the songs Mark Miller wrote. Then finally we’d do a jam, letting the organizer play with us. So, I know I’m using “so” a lot, but, so, come to find out, I’m the only one with copies of the songs. I found 4 of our old practice CDs. I haven’t pulled those things out in over 15 years! Plus, I kept all of my notes! This is going to be extremely helpful. Finally, me not throwing anything away has a use! Hence, I’ve been spending all week going through the CDs and my notes, trying to remember what goes with what, and what they’re called. And, it just so happens, that this all needs done at the same time I don’t really have anything to do! I’m the only one with the material and the time. Wow!

Awkward Moments

      It’s hard not to think about the fires right now. I know LA has been in the news for the past couple of weeks, but now it’s starting down here. While I was eating lunch, the news broke into the show I was watching. There are 2 fires burning right now, one a little bigger than the other. They aren’t near me, but still, it’s spooky. I’m sure we all kind of take personal inventory when we hear about things like this. Now, all of a sudden, I’m super concerned about some dead brush I have in my backyard. We all live in a fire prone area, so that doesn’t help. The only thing that gives me a little solace, is that we live kind of close to the desert, so there’s not much to burn. But you never know. With the wind speeds, almost anything can happen. I feel so bad every time I see the devastation on the news. I hope the recovery takes as little time as possible. Alright, that’s enough, I just had to get that out, I had no intention of writing you about the fires. But, it is part of life, especially on the west coast, and it is what I was thinking about. It’s also kind of a trip that Florida just got snow! Places that almost never get snow, just got some! That’s weird. We’re out here dry and on fire, and they’re sledding on the beach in Florida! Crazy shit! I’m sure if you were able to look back at the entirety of our history, not just since we’ve been keeping track, that you’d see ebbs and flows, where the weather did some anomalous stuff. However, I do not see how people can deny that things are changing? Last year, this week, we got so much rain that parts of the county flooded! This year we’re at 4% humidity! We usually get Santa Anas in October, not January! Man-made or not, weather patterns are changing!

     Alright, now that’s enough. But seriously, it’s been so dry, I feel like my lips have been chapped this whole year! Sorry for all the exclamation points, but I really would say it to you like that. Where to start, where to start, where to start? I guess I’ll start with the Heartbreak Hustlers. The show went well. There was some awkwardness detected. I’m not sure if they were worried that I hadn’t been practicing, or worried that I would cause a scene. They may not have been worried at all, but there was some weirdness. I talked to the fiddle player, he’s the one that got me in, I’ve known him the longest. We just talked about regular stuff. He seemed fine. Except he kept making negative comments about the guitar player, which made me wonder whether he was “just saying that,” or not. The singer talked to us for a bit, she seemed okay. That was in the beginning. After we played, I was told “thank you,” “we sounded great,” and other comments like that. But nothing of real substance. Then, the next day, kind of early, I got a text from the singer. She said they’ve been working with another bass player, and he’s just about ready, and I can play this Friday’s show if I want to, but I am no longer obligated. I wrote back: If you don’t need me, I’m out. Then I never heard another word. I thought that seemed so odd. These people are text fiends! They “love,” or “thumbs up,” everything. They’ve even “emphasized” a few things. But nothing! Wow. Most of the time when the group text was going, I’d get the same message 5 times, because of all the “love.” But, nothing. Weird. It almost made me wonder: This guy was only one practice from being able to play a show? He could’ve played that show! Oh well, I had fun. It was a little awkward, but I like performing. So, it was a win!

     The next day we had the Eruption’s show. It was awesome! The place was packed. We only knew about a third of the people. People were there to watch the football game, and the basketball game too, we started as soon as they were done, and people stayed! It was so awesome! I was a little nervous because, as I mentioned earlier, the dryness has been affecting my vocals. Plus, at the show on Friday, I developed a blood blister on my middle finger, which is the finger I play the bass with. It hurt like a (insert colorful metaphor here)! I thought I was over that kind of stuff. But no. I had to play through the pain. I think it was because of my wrist pain. I may have been playing a little differently than I normally do, due to my wrist. So, wrist, finger, and vocals, all making me nervous. But, I played through. And, as mentioned earlier, it was awesome! It was full ‘til the end. Also, there was some nervousness that the neighbors would complain about the noise. But we did not get shut down! Another win! After we were done, the owner asked to use the mic, he thanked us, then rallied the people, asking if we should come back, and the response was deafening! It was so cool. I recorded the performance, and have listened to it a few times now, we really killed it! People seemed to really enjoy it. We were getting praise from all kinds of people. It was better than could’ve been expected. I’ve only recently stopped smiling. We did it! The next day was my wife’s birthday, and we went to brunch with our parents. We were surprised when our daughter showed up! We had no idea. My wife teared up instantly. That was the best present she could’ve gotten. We also got to meet my mother-in-law’s boyfriend’s mother. I thought that was a weird addition, but we had a good time nonetheless.

A Little Nervousness Is Natural

      Staring at a blank screen is not the best way to start. Sometimes I feel that perhaps I could get a glimpse of the words that would eventually be there, as if they could jump out of my mind, and onto the screen, but that doesn’t happen. Instead, as usual, I just start. And, in a way, the letters and words do jump out of my mind, and onto the screen. With just a little effort on my part. Making it seem as though they were manifested. Although, in reality, it is not magic. But in a way it is. As I wrote that, I became aware of the fact that this is all magic! A few different shaped letters, conveying a message through time and space. The idea that we have thought at all. We practically defy gravity by walking on 2 feet! It is all magic! But the dishes still need done, the floor still needs cleaned, the toilet could use some help, and those types of things seem to take the magic away. I have heard the best way to keep it, is to think about how lucky it is to have dishes to be cleaned. I have a floor, and a ceiling! I have indoor plumbing! And just like that, the magic is back. It can be easy to forget how lucky we are. Dealing with all of life’s usual little foibles can make it hard to remember that we are lucky. But we are. I get to have band practice tonight. Lucky! The drummer never wants to rehearse the week of a show. But he is this time. Lucky! I’m stoked. I think this’ll really help. I’m already a little nervous. My wrist is almost completely better. I’m about 75-80% better. Now I’m bothered by my elbow, but I don’t want to bore you with that. Also, I’ve been dealing with this mucus, and now the dry air, I’m not sure how well I can sing. Last week went okay, but now that it’s showtime, I’m a little concerned. Practice will help!

     I am happy that I was able to play last week. I really wasn’t sure. There were only a couple of songs that I had trouble with. Songs that are a little more physically demanding. I feel much more confident today. Hopefully the singing will go better. Last week there were 2 or 3 songs that I was not able to do well. Out of 16, that’s not that bad. But I want to be good on Saturday. I have to try not to discourage myself. No matter what, everything will be fine. This is happening. And I am happy about it. I hope people turn out. I hope this can become a regular gig. That would be sweet! Although, I do need to get better at reaching out to people for shows. But hey, we got a show in January! That’s kicking the year off right! And, we got another show on March the 2^nd! Although that is a memorial service. It still counts! Our friend Mark Miller died. The Eruption used to play with him acoustically, and we called it Miller’s Dairy. We used to have a lot of fun. I hadn’t seen him in several years, then he showed up to Josie’s show. I couldn’t believe it. Now he’s gone. Bummer. We still don’t know what happened. He was only a little older than us, so I’m not sure what to think. The person organizing the memorial asked us to play, he said Mark would have wanted it that way. I’m not sure what the people attending will think, but we’re doing it. The organizer said he would play Mark’s parts if we wanted to play a few Dairy songs. We probably will. We have some time. It’s just unfortunate, because, according to our guitar player, Mark always wanted us to play together again, and now we will, for his funeral. Almost like he had to die to get it to happen. It feels a little strange, but it’s what he wanted.

     This is the second year in a row where we lost a friend the first few days of the year. Bummer. Not a good way to start things off. This year seems even worse. We lost Mark on the third. Then last week one of my wife’s clients took his own life. He kept his wife completely in the dark about their company’s finances, and so my wife had the unpleasant task of letting her know that things are not good. What a bummer! “Oh, by the way, your husband shot himself, and left you with a ton of debt. Happy New Year!” I feel bad for that lady. My wife was shaken up too. Having to tell someone bad news, who had just got really bad news. Bummer. Then, earlier this week I was informed that one of the scenesters had died. I had seen her at a lot of shows. She always looked like a very interesting person. She had her own style, and loved punk rock music. I always imagined we would get to know her. I never had a conversation with her, but we recognized each other, and now I missed my opportunity. Bummer. I have not heard how she passed, just that people are going to miss her in the pit. This Friday’s show will be the first without her. It’ll probably sink in a little more, when she isn’t seen. I am bumming myself out! 3 deaths in 2 weeks! Happy New Year! There seems to be something in the air. Last Saturday, we went to see our friend’s band The Ramblin’ Outlaws. It was their 1^st anniversary. I didn’t realize they were so new. When we showed up, we were the only 2 people in the whole place! Nobody showed! Then, come to find out, the drummer got wasted, and wasn’t coming. Which led the band to start snapping at each other, and now they may be done! The singer played alone, and we were 2 of 6 people! I felt so bad for them. You just never really know.

Not Willing To Think About The Bad News

      Sometimes I feel like just numbering these, but then I think: How creative is that? Almost every time at this point, I’m afraid, or have concern, that I’m going to use a title I’ve already used. Sometimes I go back and check to see if it’s a title I already used. At some point, that will be a ridiculous task. There looks like there’s a way to check, but every time I try, it doesn’t seem to work the way I think it should. So, I scroll. I suppose the date could be enough. That won’t get repeated. But, then again, how creative is that? The titles almost never remind me of what they’re about anyway. Sometimes, scrolling through, I’m like: what the hell was that about? As soon as I start reading, I am reminded. It reminds me of the little notes I leave myself when I’m working on something. At the time I write the note, I feel it’s as clear as day. Then, months later, when I get back to it, I can’t for the life of me remember what the note was supposed to have meant. Being aware of this has made me a little bit better at note leaving. Maybe that’s why I’m thinking about this now. I hate to write a gripey “woe is me” post. I feel I often write about my concerns, but I don’t like to feel that I’m complaining. However, this is about Thoughts On Life, and sometimes life isn’t rainbows and unicorns. Much to some people’s chagrin. This is the first I’ve been able to type all week. I don’t know if you remember, but a couple of years ago I had some strange problem with my hand. Well, it happened again. I started kind of feeling it on Sunday, and by Monday, I needed my left hand to raise my right. It hasn’t gotten as swollen as it did the first time, to which I am grateful. But it still hurts.

     I am much more optimistic today than I have been all week. The Calvins were supposed to practice yesterday, but I had to cancel. I just couldn’t. Especially because of the rest I have to tell you. First things first: We won Fantasy Football! This was our sixth year, and it finally happened! Sorry, I couldn’t remember if I told you that. We went down on Sunday and picked up our ring and money. People seemed genuinely excited for us. The Saturday before that, we went to the San Diego Brewing Company to scope it out. That’s where the Eruption are playing next week, and I wanted to see what the layout was like, so I could start getting an idea about how we are going to set up. It was kind of packed. San Diego State basketball was on, and one of the last regular season NFL games. People seemed much more interested in the basketball game. Anyway, it was crowded and loud, and I didn’t feel much like trying to find out “who was in charge,” so we just had lunch and checked it out. It seems like it’ll be cool. I still don’t have any of the information I went there to get, but at least I know what it looks like, and where the potential “staging areas” could be. The beer and the food were good, if people show up, they will have a good time. It’s the day before my wife’s birthday, and I asked her before I accepted, she said it was okay. Her response seemed genuine. But now, I’m kind of thinking of billing it as her party, hoping more people will show up that way. Is that wrong? I asked her if she minded me doing so, and she said: “Go right ahead.” I figured she’d be cool with it. But now, we don’t have anything really planned for her actual birthday, and I’m not sure how that’ll go. It’s on a Sunday, and that’s sometimes a hard sell. Especially if you’ve just had all the people out on a Saturday night.

     We’ll see what happens. I’m sure we’ll think of something. My main concern right now is I have practice tonight, for a gig next week, and I’m not sure I’m going to be able to play! I think I can, at least a little. But, today is the first I’ve been able to use my hand with any type of confidence. I didn’t want to cancel, because we haven’t played in over a month, and I’m still not sure if the drummer will be willing to practice next week! We all hope he will. It’s almost impossible to think he thinks we could pull two sets off with only having played half the songs nearly 2 months ago! But is that any more ridiculous than thinking we can pull off two sets when I couldn’t use my hand a day ago!? I think we can. Tonight might be a little rough. I will admit that. But I do feel like I’ll be better by next week. But I have a Hustlers show on the 17^th! I quit that band, but told them if they needed me for the shows I already agreed to, I would play them. They confirmed that I’m needed! They may want to practice on Sunday! I’m not sure if I’m willing to do that. I know my parts, and don’t really want to see the guitar player more than I have to. So, I may have practice on Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, a gig Friday, two sets on Saturday, and I’m sitting here only being able to use my hand today, unsure if I’ll be able to play tonight! I think by now you must be able to see where my nervousness is coming from. It just feels so unfortunate. Why now?! And I think to myself, it’s probably my fault. On the cruise, and over the holidays, I got off my treatment routine. 3 weeks of not doing what I’ve been doing for 2 years, and now this. Good news: the treatment was working. I’m not willing to think about the bad news.

Out With The Old

      First post of 2025! I don’t know why, but seeing 2025 written feels weird. So much more futuristic than 2024. I know that usually, once the year changes, it takes us all a little while to get used to it being a new year, but something about 2025 sticks out to me. I hope it’s just a little weirdness, nothing ominous about it. New Years was a bit of a bust. We went to hang out with my parents and sister. They don’t get out much, so it’s usually nice to go hang out with them. New Years is one of those times of year when it seems like a lot of “rookies” out. By “rookies,” I mean people who don’t party on a regular basis. Like those people who only go to church a couple of times a year, these people only party a couple of times a year, and try to squeeze it all into a day. They are annoying. Even at the grocery store, you can tell: These people are not used to shopping for a party. They walk around looking dumbfounded. I see them coming down the aisle, and I decide to go the other way. I’m not really into crowded discos anyway, I certainly don’t want to be there with a bunch of “rookies.” Plus, and this is becoming a greater part of it, the bulk of the people “out,” are not people I want to be spending my time with. Even when we do stay at the bar after dark, you start to notice the clientele change. People start to become younger and younger. I don’t wish to be around a bunch of people in their 20’s and 30’s. Sure, I love my daughter, but seeing her and her friends together is like fingernails on a chalkboard. We were so much cooler in our 20’s and 30’s. I’m sure everyone thinks that, but we really were! And, I also don’t care for much modern music, so there’s really no point in being “out.”

     Hanging with my parents was okay. They had just got a new puppy that day, so it seemed like a lot going on. Well, not really “going on,” more like following around a puppy to make sure nothing happened. The puppy was the center of attention. She is darling! Her name is Bella, she’s a 6-week-old Dachshund. She is very small, but full of energy. Luckily, she slept a lot. Sometimes I feel that they don’t even really want a dog, they just want something to keep their lap warm. It didn’t really feel like New Years Eve. We just kind of sat there watching TV like we usually do. We had snacks and stuff, and talked. But, we had just seen each other on the 27^th, so there wasn’t too much to say. Around 10, I suggested putting the TV on some of the NYE shows. What a bunch of crap that was! We saw one amusing show about things that happened in the last year, and it was entertaining, but all the “ball drop stuff” was just crap. I guess I’m getting too old. I used to find them entertaining, now it just seems like a joke. It didn’t feel like NYE without them, but then with them, it felt like the whole idea was moot. Just a bunch of stupid bits between commercials. Yay! Sorry, I didn’t want to start off the new year with such a piss-poor attitude, but that’s what’s happening. In lighter news, I am stoked to have JoZ practice tonight. Eruption’s drummer is sick, and has been for 2 weeks. That seems long. We have a gig coming up on the 18^th, and we haven’t played since the 16^th of November! Plus, we’re doing 2 sets, and we haven’t seen each other in over a month! Hopefully we can get two in before the show. But the drummer doesn’t like practicing the week of a show. Please let there be an exception this time! This is a new venue, and we’re the first act to play there. I’d like to make an impression.

     In other news: I quit the Heartbreak Hustlers. I’m kind of bummed about it. I really like the songs, and the vibe, and most of the band. But I just could not get along with the guitarist. He is a special kind of problem. I had never encountered such a person. I don’t know that I should really get into it all that much, even though all of the explanations have been racing through my head for days. The main thing for me is that he was making me angry, and I don’t want to be angry. I’m trying to be creative, and have fun, and he was keeping that from happening. I tried to “get along,” but he’s just not someone I would ever desire to spend time with, and the fact that he’s not a good team player, made it unbearable. I’m really mostly disappointed with myself, because I was having some serious negative imagery going on in my head. And I kept wondering: why? Why was this person making me feel this way? Well, not “making” me, but you know. What was I so upset about? He never really did anything, he’s just not a good teammate. He points the finger, but expects none to point at him. He gives “advice,” but won’t accept any. He’s basically just a piece of crap, and I don’t know why it infuriated me so. I have known for a while now. But last practice was the last straw. So, when practice was over, and he finally shut up, I let them know they had to find a replacement. It seemed like they expected it. I told them I’d play the gigs I already agreed to play. But now I wish I hadn’t. I don’t really want to see him again, and pretend everything is fine. The singer is the only reason I even bothered. She books all the shows, and it’s kind of her reputation on the line, and I don’t want to hurt her. But man, I hope they find another bass player soon, because at this point, I’m not 100% sure I can keep my mouth shut.