A Jungle With No Lion?

      I sit here distracted today. I feel I have a lot to say, and yet, at the same time, not sure how much is “okay” to say. I suppose as usual, I’ll start off with the mundane, and see if we get to some place of reverence. I’m not even sure if that’s the right word, but I’m leaving it in because it feels “right.” In one instance, I am excited. The drummer for the Eruption is coming to practice tonight. We haven’t seen him since this time in October! 5 months! That is a long time. Well, compared to how little we saw him during the “2 years” of Covid, 5 months isn’t really that long. It feels long though. It is going to feel good to rock out again. I know it’ll take a while to get back to full strength. You can’t take 5 months off of a physically demanding skill and expect to come back just as you left. Not to mention the fact that his absence was due to injury. That has its own set of skills to recover from. But it feels good that he’s ready to try again. We hope for the best. Although, I will say, JoZ was really hitting a stride. The more we got into it, the more some very interesting things were happening. I’ve actually revived the JoZ SoundCloud page just to be able to have a place for it. More often, over the past few months, I’ve been staying up late listening to JoZ. When I revived our SoundCloud page, someone actually shared one of the songs to their own page. I was stunned. I know it’s only one person, but still, something we made up on the spot, recorded with a single mic in a room, sounded good enough to someone to share with other people. I think that’s pretty cool. Most of the tracks on SoundCloud are professionally produced. I’m just using it as a way to have something up there in case we want to direct people to it.

     Last weeks Prom party was fun. We got dressed up. I think we were one of the only couples that went the extra mile to get the corsage and boutonniere. Everybody was commenting on it. It felt really good to get to see everybody. Especially all dressed up. There does seem to be a special energy when everyone is all dressed up. We did get our picture taken. It looks pretty good. They did not have a photographer, but the owner was making sure to get good photos of everyone in front of a backdrop, so it was like a “Prom Photo.” The backdrop was balloons writing out “1974.” I’m not sure the significance of “1974.” I never got a clear answer. Well, maybe I never asked anyone other than myself. Doing the math, I think that may have been the year of his Prom. Perhaps. I don’t know. We got A good photo, and lots of other fun ones. The place was packed. I knew the guy knew a lot of people, but I was surprised. On a Thursday!? We eventually got a seat. We saw people we hadn’t seen in a while. It was a good night. We took it easy, and got home safely, it was a success. We’ve got more parties this weekend. Geesh! I’m not sure how we’re going to get to it all. Saturday, we have one of our really good friend’s 50^th birthday party. But, close to the same time, we have a really good friend’s Retirement party. The Retirement party is for one of our camping friends, while the other is for one of our La Mesa friends. I’m not sure how we’re going to fit them both in. We’re definitely doing the 50^th, those are our actual “friends.” It feels weird to type that, but it’s true. Then Sunday, our other friend group is having a barbeque! All three friend groups having parties the same weekend!? This is like a perfect storm. I’m not sure how we’re going to pull this off, but it feels like we should be able to.

     On a sadder note, and the reason I’m so distracted, and the reason I’m not sure what to, or how much to say, I found out disturbing news last Saturday. I feel like such an idiot. Here I am writing about all the plans that “we” have for the upcoming weekend, and I’m not 100 that there is much of a “we” anymore. I’m not sure how much to say, mostly because I’m not sure if this will ever be read. I don’t like airing laundry, but I feel I have no one to talk to about it. Usually, once I get it “out,” it tends to go away, or at least subsides enough that I can relax in the feeling that I vented. I keep wanting to tell my friends, to get their opinion. But I don’t want to air our laundry. Realistically, things will probably keep going for us, but I’m uncertain right now, and don’t want to ruin her reputation. I know I’ve done some things I don’t want her telling her friends about. But, I’m really confused, and am not sure what to do, or if I can “get over it.” It’s difficult to write about without telling any details. I’m not sure I’m willing to give any yet. Hopefully never. I hope we finally reach a point of honesty where I’m no longer constantly second guessing if she’s being honest. But it’s hard. How can I be fully committed to someone who thinks sneaking around, and lying, is “okay?” I keep thinking about that Depeche Mode song: “Never again is what you swore, the time before.” How many times can I be slapped in the face, and continue to think that it has ran its course? I know I’m supposed to “turn the other cheek,” I know I’m supposed to “forgive those, like I would like to be forgiven,” But at what point is it a lost cause? I’ve devoted my life to honesty, and it feels like some people have a very hard time being honest.