Overcoming Inconvenient Occurrences

      Eruption practice tonight! I’m stoked! I’m glad I can still get excited about it. We’ve been trying to get together once a week for more than 20 years! It has fallen off a bit over the past couple of years, kids make things more complicated. But I’m always glad when we do. We have a show coming up in about a month, so it’s time for us to put in a little extra work. It’s always exciting when we have something to look forward to. Our guitar player likes to refer to the incentive as “the carrot.” Obviously, I hope, referring to the carrot leading the donkey. His philosophy involves needing the carrot to get the work done. My philosophy involves people getting the work done because they want to, or like to, get the work done. I will do my best to get together every week and play, whether we have something on the books or not. I think 3 of the 4 of us feel that way, and we generally do get together every week, as much as we can. But the other 1 of us seems to only be motivated when we have an event on the horizon. And, seemingly, he doesn’t want to put too many events on the horizon. It’s a constant issue. He says “no” to almost every show. It’s frustrating, and it’s not just him. It seems as though we only want to play afternoon, or early evening shows. There aren’t that many of those. Especially for loud rock bands like ours. Acoustic trios playing covers, maybe, but not fully fledged rock bands. Oh well, we’ve got one coming up, so I’m going to stay excited. Going back a little bit, I’ve talked to other musicians about the “carrot” idea, and it overwhelmingly seems as though pretty much everybody agrees with my guitar player. Everyone I talked to said that you have to get something on the books to get the band to practice. I think that’s sad. None of us started playing because we had something on the books. Why now?

     The Calvins had a show this past Saturday night. It was okay. Originally, we were asked to play with a nationally touring band called Electric Frankenstein. We were excited. A couple of our members had seen them before, and thought they were good. We looked forward to playing in front of a bunch of people with a well-known act. However, a month or so ago, we got word that Electric Frankenstein pulled out. The rumor we heard was because no one was flying them here to play. I don’t know if that’s true, but that’s what we got. We decided to play the show anyway. We were booked with a band called Broke Bastards. They are local. I had seen them around some of the places we practice, and have been wanting to play with them for a while. Probably a year or two. It finally happened! They were pretty good. I was entertained. We’re playing with them again on the 10^th. That should be a good show. Up until a week or so ago, we didn’t even know who the third band was going to be. Apparently, it was difficult to get people to commit. It seems as though there were a lot of events going on last Saturday. According to what I saw on Facebook, almost everyone we know was at The Cure concert. Bummer. I don’t really think too many of our “fans” would have a conflict, but a lot of our “friends” did. Assuming they would have come anyway. We’re starting to think not. None of our friends really want to be out late. At least that’s the excuse they give. And I get it. When I go to shows, I’m always thinking it’s too late. Our show was desolate. The first band was not that good, and played for an hour! It felt like they chased the few people who were there away. When we finally got started, it seemed like we got quite a few people coming in to see us, then halfway through our first song, the power went out, and we lost everyone.

     Eventually the power was restored, and we got to continue our set, but the crowd did not seem to regroup. We counted it as a loud practice. It was still fun! Hearing yourself concert loud is pretty cool. About halfway through the set, in one of our newly released songs, our singer spaced on an entire verse, and couldn’t really find his way back to where he should have been. I know it can be embarrassing, but at least there weren’t a bunch of people there to see. However, the thing that impressed me was that the drummer, and guitar player, both looked at me to see what we should do. I made eye contact with them, trying to convey that we should just keep doing our thing, and it would all work out. And it did. Towards the last chorus we all caught back up and finished strong. I thought exactly what should have happened, did. There was an unspoken level of trust and respect that naturally happened. It felt good. 2 inconvenient occurrences overcome! That’s what all the practice is about. However, now there’s talk about whether we should have even taken that show. Now there’s talk about whether or not we should even accept gigs at the Ken Club. And I get it, we don’t want to play to no one. As previously mentioned, we are aware that our “friends” aren’t coming. Our only chance to get more “fans” is to play in front of people who may like us. If we play with people who don’t bring people, then we’re not playing in front of new people. It defeats the point. On the other end of things, if you don’t play out, then you don’t get offered better shows, to play in front of new people. It’s a conundrum. We’ve got some good shows lined up, but the general consensus seems to be that we only take “good” shows. I guess it makes sense. Luckily, we’re starting to get “in” with several promoters putting on the kind of shows that we’d like to play.

The Pinnacle Of My Desire

      Squeezing it in again! I’m going to do my best not to miss one this year. So far, so good. I had time yesterday, but I thought I’d wait until today, knowing I’d have to cram. The reason I wanted to do it today is that it is, or at least should have been, my father-in-law’s birthday. This is his first birthday after passing. My wife and her sisters are taking it kind of rough. I can only imagine. I kind of hope I don’t have anything like that go on when it’s my turn, because my mom’s birthday is only 2 days after mine, that’d be hard not to think about. My wife woke up crying. One of her sisters didn’t even go to work today. She lives on the East Coast, and started texting early, so my wife woke up to sad thoughts. I feel bad for her. I can’t understand her sadness. I suppose it’s individual to us all. She keeps apologizing to me. I assure her that there’s nothing for her to apologize about. I’m doing my best to be a good listener. I realize that there isn’t anything I can do except be a good listener, and let her get out what she needs to get out. Sometimes I feel like I should apologize to you. This is called Thoughts On Life, although these days it seems like perhaps it should be called Thoughts On Death. Well, death and life are so intertwined, you can’t have one without the other. I am aware I’m thinking a lot about it these days. How can I not!? It’s all around us. I was at a party a few weeks ago, there was a group of us chatting, and I was the only person in the group who still had both parents! I’m getting there. It’s kind of scary, although I know it’s a natural part of life, and an inevitability. At this point, I still feel my level of concern is appropriate.

     Mother’s Day was kind of a bust. My mother-in-law had to work, so it was going to be six of us, my wife and daughter, my parents and sister. I had made reservations at a restaurant that we’ve been to before. It’s called Giardino’s. It’s an Italian place. The two other times we went there, it was awesome! We’ve been wanting to go back, because there are still things on the menu that we want to try. We liked it so much, that’s why we picked it for Mother’s Day, so my parents to get to enjoy it. However, my mother called me about an hour before we needed to leave, and said that she couldn’t make it. She’s been battling with some kind of bladder problem, and as you can imagine, it doesn’t make being out very fun. She’s had to cancel a couple of things prior, for the same reason, so it’s not like I was shocked. I was bummed. If it was only going to be the 3 of us, I would have picked something different. It’s these kinds of things that make me nervous sometimes. My mom says that other than this recurring problem, she’s generally healthy. But still, it is something that keeps coming up. If no one knows what the problem is, then no one knows how far out of control it could get. Not paranoid, just saying. I went and saw her on Monday, to give her the card and flowers I had gotten for her. I talked with her for a bit, it was nice. I stayed longer than I expected, she didn’t seem to mind. I informed her that she had not missed anything. Giardino’s was set up buffet style. I had never seen it like that before. It was crowded. Often times they didn’t have plates ready. It seemed as if this was their first time trying this particular set-up. They kept running out of food, and the food they did have was just meh. The Caesar was the best thing I had.

     I have a feeling that if they had been able to make it, they would not have a favorable opinion of Giardino’s. Thus, I am glad that they didn’t go, so we can still have that experience together. I hope. Woops, see, there I go again. I keep having these moments where I realize that I’m not going to be able to get to everything I’d like to be able to get to. Then I have these moments where I want to try to get done everything I possibly can, while I still can. Finally, I realize some things will have to be taken off the list. That bums me out sometimes. But, at the same time, it helps me redefine what on the list is most important. The other day my wife met a woman at a memorial for our friend Eric, whom I mentioned last week. Somehow my wife and this lady started talking about games, and the fact that we’re trying to get some published. Apparently, this woman knows a guy who has had games published. My wife got his information, and was very excited when she got home. The lady made it sound like the guy helps people get to the next level. The story my wife told me had me very excited as well. What are the chances of running into someone holding on to the missing piece!? Totally random! I did contact the guy after reading up on him. I was glad I did, and I was stoked that he responded. However, it seems as though either the lady, or my wife, exaggerated a little with their excitement. He said he could answer a few “specific” questions, and gave me his number, but he is not in the business of helping people reach the next level. I haven’t thought of any “specific” questions yet. But my point is, for a day or two, when I thought I might be getting close, I became aware that my games have reached the pinnacle of my desire.

Thinking Scary Thoughts

      Well, the friend I was talking about last week finally went on to become part of the Universe. We got news Tuesday afternoon, that he had passed. His name was Eric. A lot of people liked him. There are so many social media posts! He touched a lot of people. I’m not sure how to respond to the posts. I feel weird “liking” something that’s kind of sad. I feel weird using the “sad” emoji, because as sad as I am that he’s no longer with us, I’m glad people are remembering him fondly. I suppose the “care” emoji would be most appropriate, because I do care. But at the same time, hovering over the image deciding which emoji to pick isn’t really my thing, despite what you may be reading now, especially when I just want to let them know I saw and appreciated their post. I “liked” some, and “cared” for others. Mixing it up is one of my things. In a way, it’s kind of sad that this is what I’m sitting here thinking about. 1^st world problem. Anytime I think about that phrase: “1^st world problem,” I usually realize how silly what I’m thinking about is. Some people don’t have access to water today, and I’m nervous about my emoji use. What are we coming to? I do appreciate everyone’s kind words. I’m glad a friend of mind had so many great caring friends. I had already stopped seeing him regularly. Once we moved, plus with the pandemic, we stopped seeing a lot of the people we used to see regularly. He was one of those, so it’s not like his loss affects me on a regular basis. Plus, I feel that knowing ahead of time that this was coming, kind of helped lessen the blow. I feel bad for his son, and his mother, but I’m not generally sad, because I feel grateful that his suffering is now over. And it’s a little weird to feel like that.

     Dealing with multiple deaths in the past few months makes it quite difficult to stop thinking about it. People are talking about it. Sometimes I’m afraid to answer the phone! This recent death cluster, my lifelong fascination with death, and the fact that I’m not getting any younger, is really keeping the topic in the forefront of my mind. I already think that all the crap we have to deal with on a regular basis is a daunting unfriendly task. Thinking about how we spend our little time left is of utmost importance. I suppose these events help us put that into perspective. We can go at any moment. We can’t take anything with us. Living a downsized, more fulfilling life, seems the best way to go. However, capitalism does not seem to agree with that philosophy. I’m sure there are a lot of people who enjoy what they do, but I’m equally sure that there are probably many more who do not. And it pains me to go out into the world seeing, and interacting with, all of these people who look like they’re not enjoying there time here on Earth. We’ve got a lot of cool stuff, and we have amazing things we’re capable of, and yet I hear a lot of talk about mental health, and anxiousness. It doesn’t seem possible. There are people with almost nothing, they have to hunt for food, they have to walk a mile for water, how can we with everything be so sad? The only answer I can come up with is: “our system.” Something about our system makes people feel worthless. And I think it kind of sucks when you go through an event like this, and start thinking about these things, only to realize that it’s almost not possible to be living the life we should. You can enjoy a little more, stress a little less, and try to live in the moment more readily. But, when it comes down to it, all you’re really doing is adjusting your values to help lessen the pain of being in a profit-based system.

     I know there are plenty of people out there who will tout our system as the best. Maybe the best so far. But I like to think about what’s next. I can not believe this is the best we can do. I know this won’t last forever, and I also know that I probably won’t be around to see the changes I’d like to see. Which again, leads more towards this idea of finality. I don’t consider it sad, or depressed, to think these things. I think of it as contemplative. If we don’t take the time to realize, and think about our own demise, then we’re not really living. The end makes the middle important. Without contemplating our end, it’s hard to know what really matters to you. The terminus gives us power. The fact that we don’t know at what point this event will occur, should inspire us! If you knew you only had a day, what would you want to do for the next day? That’s what you should be doing then. We should be living each day as if it was our last. Although some of us would then be doing the same thing every day. Maybe not helpful things. The pandemic led to a lot of creative things, but it also led to a lot of binge-drinking and drug use. Also, as mentioned earlier, our system is not designed for people to live everyday like it’s their last. Our system is kind of propagated on the idea that you need to come make money for me tomorrow. The other thing that’s been spinning around my head is that our friend Eric knew his time was coming and was too ill to enjoy what time he had left. That has got to be one the greatest ironies that any of us should face, finally knowing how much time you have left, and not being able to do anything about it. It’s an odd set of circumstances, that we shall all face, and yet it still seems for some a scary thing to think about.

Outgrowing Stuff

      May the Fourth be with you! I was really into Star Wars as a kid, but I have not maintained my level of fandom. I was pretty disappointed with episodes 1-3. Well, the last few minutes of episode 3 was pretty thrilling, considering I had been wondering how Darth became Darth since I was 5. I never really read any of the books, or comics. I never looked anything up. I’ve always carried a soft spot in my heart for it. It was the first thing I was really into. And, I will admit, when episode 7 came out, I was excited. Back in the day, they told us they were going to do episodes 4-6, then 1-3, then finally 7-9. However, at some point we got told that 7-9 were not going to be made, and I was bummed. So, when I was in the theater watching the scroll as episode 7 started, I teared up. I had been waiting over 30 years to find out what happened next, and thought it was never going to happen! But there I was, sitting in a theater, with my wife and daughter, preparing to finally know what happened. It didn’t disappoint. However, it no longer had the grasp on me. I was glad to know what had happened next, and I was glad to see the remaining 2 episodes later on. If they put one out every year, I’d probably go see it every year. But I’m not as excited anymore. I’m sure if I went to Disneyland, I’d geek out pretty hard, but I don’t “have to” see it. Every time I go to Disneyland, I feel like I’ve been there for the last time. Disneyland has lost its luster for me too, much to my wife’s chagrin. They’re even playing a Star Wars Marathon on channel 33 right now, and I don’t have it on. That’s where we’re at. I couldn’t even give you the cliff notes for episodes 7-9. I know I thought they were good, but that’s about all the emotion I have for them.

      I suppose that’s part of growing up, outgrowing things that no longer define you. However, I do still have a whole box of my old Star Wars toys in storage. I know I’m not going to play with them again. I know I’m not going to have a child to pass them on to. I’m not sure they’re worth anything because I played with them! God forbid someone would have played with a toy! I wouldn’t want to live in a museum. My cousin was raised like that. He’s much younger than me. His mom, my aunt, is only 5 years older than me, so I was in my 20’s as he was being raised. He would get 2 of everything, one to play with, and one to collect. I thought it was ridiculous. Toys to not play with? Although, here I sit typing about an entire box of toys I’m not playing with. I don’t even have room to display them if I wanted to. Not that I would, because they’ve been played with! Sorry, I’ve got to calm down. The box is really just taking up space, but I still have some attachment to it. It’s weird. It’s not just me either, my wife has a whole box of Strawberry Shortcake toys. They still smell! It’s weird. And again, we’re not going to play with, or display them. They also probably have no real value, because, once again, they were played with! It’s weird to think that some doll, in its package, is worth a lot more than a doll that was actually valued. A doll in its package is just a thing, a marketing ploy. Whereas a doll that has meant something to someone, has had real value. I don’t know what we’ll do with them. There doesn’t seem to be much point in saving them. But at the same time, it’s not like we need the extra space, so they’re not really in the way yet. Yet! I have trouble thinking they’ll become a problem, given that we are not in the habit of gaining stuff.

     We’re actively trying to live our life with less. And it’s something that’s been on my mind recently. When we found out my father-in-law died, then realizing he had almost no stuff. Anything he did have was taken in the Paradise fire years ago, so he didn’t really have anything. I have to imagine that made it a little easier for my sister-in-law. Who wants to go through someone else’s old stuff? An antiquary, I guess. But it doesn’t seem fun for the family to have to do it. I suppose the chance to reminisce is helpful, but most people’s stuff is just that, stuff. Not worth anything. No one’s having an estate sale for our stuff. Nor my parent’s stuff. My wife had to do it for her grandmother, and is now helping her mother narrow down what she’s keeping. It has us thinking about what really matters. And it’s not stuff. We found out last week that a friend of ours is entering hospice. He had cancer of the mouth, and it metastasized into his bones. He’s only a little older than me, and he only has days to live. Scary! He was taking care of his ailing mother, and now he’s almost out of here. It was so sudden, they didn’t have a chance to do anything about it. They were not prepared. How could you be? We went to a fundraiser last night to help with his final expenses. There were a lot of people there. I was glad. When we first got word of the event, we didn’t know how it was going to turn out. It was awesome! So many people, so happy to be helping. And to think, it was the easiest way to help, get a bunch of friends together for a drink, the same reason most of us know each other anyway. It’s sad to see that happen to a friend. He’s practically wasting away. And I was happy to be with a bunch of people willing to do what they can to help.