A Monthly Gig?

What a weekend! The show went pretty good. I was a little surprised that the brewery itself didn't have more of a crowd. I knew every single person there. We had about twenty people show up. There were moments when I felt slightly disappointed that there weren't more people there. I don't know why I expected the brewery to have their own crowd. It was also a weird feeling for me because up to the gig, I found I didn't have the nervousness I usually do about how many people will be there. Playing in our usual settings, they're expecting you to bring the people. If you don't bring a good amount of people, then they don't really need you to play there anymore. But, for some reason, this time I didn't really even think about it. However, as I was there, I kept wondering where everyone was. I expected a little better turnout. I never tell anyone that I'm going to do something, if I'm not going to do it. I have no problem telling people no. It's a little unnerving when people are constantly bugging you about your next show, then make no effort. Or when people talk to you about the show for the weeks leading up to it, then don't bother to show up. And it's always the same thing, excuses and apologies. Since the show ended early, we all went to our usual bar, and lo and behold, there were a third of the people who said they'd “for sure” be there. I got a little sick of everyone apologizing. After all, they were the ones who missed out, I got to have fun and be apart. It makes me nauseous.

Anyway, back to my point. As I was saying, at first I wished there were more people. But, as things moseyed on, I started to think about it differently. To me, one of the major points of the whole gig, was to have our friends there to see us. The gig was in a warehouse, almost exactly like the one we practice in. Except empty. Part of the whole thing, for me, was to be throwing a party, and having our friends come, see us, and try some good beer. As I began to notice that we had the attention of the people who were there. And as I began to notice how into it they were. I realized that I was glad it wasn't a bunch of strangers I had to “try and impress.” It was people who already knew what to expect, and came anyway! They were there to see us! I got to just be myself, and not think too much about the showmanship, because it was like they were at our house. When I finally turned that mental corner, it was relieving. I had fun, we played great. All in all, it was a really good night. Plus, the part that blew me away was we got paid! Not only did we get paid, but they asked us if we wanted to play there every month! I'm not sure we'll take them up on that, but it was so nice to be asked. The drummer seems down, the guitar player seems hesitant, and I'm on the fence about it. So we'll have to see how it plays out. Although today the drummer did bring it up again. And, he asked me to talk to the guitar player about it. So he seems pretty serious. That is a good sign. It has the potential to be a lot of fun.

Last week, the guitar player was sick, and could not practice. I was a little bummed, I felt like I needed another practice to be, truly, “ready.” I thought about calling the drummer, and just us practicing, but I wasn't sure if he'd be into it, so I decided to see if he'd call me. Around 4 pm I decided I really wanted to go, so I picked up my phone to call him. That is when I noticed I had a missed call and a message. Apparently someone called while I was driving to pick up Stella Mae from school. I don't generally check my phone. It was my drummer, asking if I wanted to go up to practice! I couldn't believe it. I wanted to see if he'd call, and he did. But I didn't know until I decided to call him. It seemed so serendipitous. We decided to go up and practice, just bass and drums, like it was in the old days. It really forced us to focus. Back in the day, when we were learning the songs, it was all about counting out the parts, while we waited for the guitar player to figure out what he wanted to do. To have to go back to counting out the parts was eye opening. I think we really impressed each other. We even played the songs that I don't sing, as instrumentals, for the first time ever, which went off without a hitch. The drummer even mentioned his admiration for what happened after we were done. We are really tight. And I think that we just hit a whole new level of playing and mutual respect. We are at a whole new edifice, and perhaps gigging every month is a good way for us to grow some new friends.

Daughn

Season's Greetings

I'm glad to be home. We spent three days at my parents house for Easter. I feel weird about Easter. I don't really celebrate Easter. I've given up on the idea that some magnificent rabbit breaks into your home to hide eggs. Why do so many Holidays involve people's homes being invaded? Technically we're supposedly celebrating the “fact” that Jesus came back to life. But if you're not into that theology, which most of the people I know are not, then that is not what's being celebrated. And if you want to continue to get technical about it, the only reason we have any idea when Jesus was “killed” is because of Passover. But if you're not into that theology, which most of the people I know are not, then that is not what's being celebrated either. Getting even more technical still, we only know when Passover is because it just so happened to occur on the first Full Moon of Spring. What a coincidence! I also found it terribly interesting this year that on the first Full Moon of Spring, there was an eclipse, and the Moon actually appeared red as the shadow “passed over” the Moon. Coincidence?! I couldn't help but think of the Passover story as I stood there, in my driveway, late at night, staring up at the Moon's “transformation.” So, for all practical purposes, at least at this point in time, we are basically celebrating the first Full Moon of Spring. Why can't we just say that? I don't understand why we have this inherent desire to attach otherwise meaninglessness to an event that is actually momentous as it is.

A few times, in the store, people said “Have a Happy Easter,” and I felt like saying “Yes, and a Happy Spring to you as well.” I'm not sure how well that would have went over. I was strangely aware of how I wanted to acknowledge the fact that a Holiday was upon us, but I didn't want to call it this thing that I don't celebrate. I kept wanting to say things like “Have a Happy First Full Moon of Spring Celebration.” But again, I was not sure how that would be taken, and I figured work was not the place to be my “normal” self. I often feel I have to limit “myself” at work because it's not really good for business. I don't want people to leave confused. I want them to leave thinking “Boy, that guy was really helpful, when I need boots again, I'm going to go see him.” I'm not really a fan of limiting myself. But when it makes sense, I don't have to work too hard at it. Plus, I realize I don't always have to be a weirdo. This does not, however, in any way, change the fact that I do feel like saying those things. In fact, every time there are moments like these, throughout the year, I find myself being more convicted in my ideas. And I will tell you, if I had to choose one of “their” ideas, I'll choose Passover over the Bunny story every f*cking time. It makes me sick that we come up with this frivolous stuff, instead of just calling it like it is. I understand it's important for us to get together every once in a while, celebrating is good. I love it! I just don't see why celebrating the seasons seems so paganistic.

People have been celebrating the seasons since people could tell the difference. I also dare to fathom, that people will continue to do so for as long as we are still on this planet, experiencing the changes. In our comparative life span, we have only been attributing these “Holidays” to religious affairs for a short time. The lack of continuity between Belief Systems gives us things like rabbits hiding eggs. Ridiculous! I feel the majority of us would be just fine celebrating Spring just like we have been, without the religious undertones, or idiotic inventions. I feel the majority of us would be just fine celebrating Winter, exactly the way we have been, except without false expectations, or made up dates. We just like to celebrate! It is part of our nature. Mexicans don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo nearly the way that we do. The “real” Irish don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day nearly the way that we do. We don't need a reason to party, but boy can we think of a bunch of them. It doesn't seem that most people even know what they are really celebrating anyway. And that too is a point of contention for me. If we aren't even really sure what we are celebrating, then what the hell are we doing? Part of me feels that the stories that we've attached to these celebrations, are going to eventually fade, which in a way is kind of sad. But if it gives us a chance to get back to the true meaning, and get us back to, or at least closer to, our natural way of being, how could it be bad? We're practically doing it already anyway.

Daughn  

Again, And Again, And Again

I'm feeling a little bit guilty about what I wrote last week. I meant everything I said, and I don't take stuff down, but still, I'm not sure I did the right thing. It's a little strange because sometimes I really do feel like I'm in that movie The Truman Show. Things, ideas, seem to follow me around. Since I wrote last week, I have had at least two different conversations about how I feel about my sibling. Seemingly random conversations, by people I rarely even speak to, all of a sudden questioning my relationship with my sibling. It seemed so bizarre. I have absolutely no feeling that they read what I wrote. After all, they were people I barely know. But, after having the conversation again a few times, I realized I should be more loving. It doesn't seem cool to talk about not liking your siblings. Especially with strangers. I do hold the truth in very high esteem, so I don't like to sugar coat or smooth things over. Even if the truth sounds a bit harsh. At this point, it seems, I will just have to accept the fact that I do feel weird about it, and that I do have the right to choose who I spend my time with. I don't generally like sitting on the fence about things. But I feel too strongly about maintaining the integrity of my bubble to allow “obligations” to interfere with my convictions. Another weird thing is: Last week my Sister changed her profile picture to one of the two of us. She also posted something about how her mouth often gets her in trouble. I know she didn't read what I wrote. How can this be possible?

Before I continue, I would like to make clear, that I do love her, and that I do genuinely wish her well. Now, onto other business. I've been on an emotional roller coaster at work recently. Last week I was scheduled for 3 days of work, which is about normal. However, at the last minute, they took 2 of those days away. For some reason, someone at Corporate decided we needed to cut hours at the store, and I took a major hit. 1 day of work! Other people went from 5 days down to 4, but I lost 2! I could not believe it. Conveniently the 1 day I did work, my manager wasn't there, so I couldn't even talk to him about it. I felt as though they were trying to cut me down to the point where I would quit, so they didn't have to pay the unemployment. I was surprised at how I was imagining all of this terrible stuff. I was having imaginary arguments, and generally preparing myself for war. I could not believe some of the things I was imagining. I went really dark. But then, I reminded myself that I would not do those things, and that those were not the thoughts I wish to think. We just got our taxes back, so we have a little cushion. I decided I would just enjoy the time off, give my manager the benefit of the doubt, be happy that I had at least 1 day, and ride out the current situation, with a positive attitude. This week I was scheduled for 3 days, but got cut down to 2. Again, I was aggravated. Again, my mind started conniving all sorts of evil plots. And again, I reminded myself that I wish not to behave that way.

It all actually worked out for the better, because it gave me this Saturday off, so I can go visit my parents at their house for Easter. Excellent! Then when I got to work yesterday, I found out that the “problem child” at work was fired. Finally! Not only was I glad to see him go, but it also gave me a bit more respect for my manager. You can't let people constantly defy you. No matter how much they sell. This turned out to be quite advantageous for me. I was scheduled for a couple of 18 hour weeks. I was really thinking I had to find something else quick. But, the week off, and the lack of hours, made me realize that I really do like working there. I would rather excel at this, than find something else like it. However, when I left work yesterday, my 18 hour weeks had turned into 30 hour weeks. No confrontations, no uncouth behavior, nothing at all. I just kept doing my normal good job, constantly reminding myself that I need to be positive and patient, and you know what? It worked! I got exactly what I wanted, things turned out just the way I had wished, without any conflict. I can not be more impressed. I really feel I'm on the right track. This new thought I'm onto is working in real time. I don't always do the right thing. I try. I want to be in a place where even on auto-pilot, I do the right thing all the time. But I know I'm not there yet. However, this feeling that it doesn't abandon you, even when you make errors in judgment, is overwhelming me. I am fascinated by the entire process!

Daughn

You Can Pick Your Friends...

I'm in a bit of weird place right now. Not physically, I'm still at home, using the same computer I've been using for a while, but mentally I'm a bit mixed up. Or at least it feels that way. I seem to be in the middle of mixed blessings. For months now, the driver side door of our vehicle would not open. It was permanently locked, so I had to climb over to the passenger side to get out. Or in. Every single time. Well, last week was the week I decided to turn it in to the shop. I had three days off in a row, and since the mechanic said it would take a day or two, it seemed like the perfect time. As I mentioned before, it just so happened that my Mom and Sister were in town, so we had transportation. It worked out beautifully. But, it is also the reason I did not make the time to write last week. They wanted to meet for lunch, then we had to get Stella Mae, and it just seemed like hanging out with my family was a better way to spend my time. I kept having every intention of writing, but other things kept coming up. Apparently, most of the time, the games I'm working on take a front seat to writing practice. That seems contradictory to what I would say my priorities are, but in reality I almost never miss a day of working on a game. Maybe I should readjust what I say my priorities are. The strange part is, when I do get the games done, and ready for the market, I don't really have any idea what to do with them. Whereas with writing, I can at least imagine a way to start, and a path to take.

After spending a week with my Sister, it has reaffirmed for me that I don't like her very much. There was a time when we were like best friends. Being Navy children, moving around all them time, there were often times when we were the only ones that we could rely on. When moving to a new town, we were usually the only friends that we had. But, as we moved into High School, and a more stable living situation, the rift started to appear. There were things that occurred, which I won't go into, that seriously influenced how I was going to perceive her, for the rest of her life. Those perceptions have not changed. She is mean, rude, over-talkative, bossy, and literally a walking ball of negativity. I thought, when I left home, that if she ever did leave home, I probably wouldn't have too much contact with her. But she never did leave home. Another idea that we constantly butt heads about. One of the things I am so looking forward to, about the cruise, is that she won't be there. It will be the first time in my life that I have gotten to just spend some time with my parents. My family will be there with my parents, I can't wait. Even though my family will be there, since I am myself around my family, it will still feel like I get my parents to myself. I don't know how they feel about it, but for me it feels like something that hasn't happened in 40 years. And, I don't remember back then. I do find myself wondering whether or not they are going to have the same feeling that my Sister won't be there.

The other part of this is that my Sister is moving here in a couple of weeks. She's supposedly going to live in their new retire home, until they retire in a year and a half. So, she has that year and a half, to establish herself, get a new job, find a new apartment, and be ready to go on her own at the end of next year. It hasn't happened in all this time, I don't know what's going to make the next year and a half so different. She would say I'm just being negative. I say prove me wrong. The point is, she is finally “moving” away from home, but it's closer to me. She made a comment about us using the air mattress when we sleep over. Sleep over?! She must be on crack. I think she is under the impression that we are going to be hanging out. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The only reason I've tolerated her up to this point is that she lived with them, and to see them meant to see her, so I've been civil. My new philosophy is to be nice to everyone. But that doesn't mean I have to like everyone. In my personal life, she is no one that I would allow into my circle. I do my best to keep my distance from people like her. I don't want them in my life. She went off on me at one of our recent lunches, in front of Stella Mae, for no apparent reason. I couldn't even hug her afterwards. I felt it was necessary to show her that I will not tolerate her treating me like she treats our Father. So I feel it is drawing extremely close to the time that I am going to have to let her know that we are not going to be friends.

Daughn