More Performances Please

      Another busy weekend coming up. Or perhaps I should say: is already here. It kind of started yesterday. One of the reasons I postponed this ‘til today is that I was kind of busy yesterday. I had a comedy show last night! It went pretty well. I thought I did great. There were a few more people than last time. I had to spend time yesterday getting ready. I only had a few days’ notice. Which, in a way, kind of bummed me out. Here’s why: 1 week ago, I got an email notification that ASAP, the arts program I’m kind of a part of, was having a graduation show for the current class. A class I attended earlier this Spring. I know that at our graduation, we had some former students perform along with us. It was fun. So, when I saw that they were having another performance, and I was not included, I was a little bummed. Quite bummed actually. Especially since, there was another show about a month after ours, with a featured artist, and I was not invited to perform. I knew it was supposed to be a big show, so I thought maybe they just wanted it to be seasoned performers. I decided to go support the group anyway, just to show I’m a team player. When I got there, they had one of my classmates performing! I couldn’t believe it. I know I’m better than the person they included. It’s not a competition, but I packed the place when we graduated. My feelings were hurt. But, after having told this story to a few people by now, I am, for the most part, over it. But when I saw that they were having another one, and I wasn’t included again, it brought it all back up to the surface. I think it’s because I’m older than them. They are all in their mid-Thirties, and find the same types of things amusing. Things I don’t share.

     On Sunday, when I was checking my Fantasy Football league, I noticed that I got another email from ASAP. I was so excited. I thought maybe they were asking me. I know when we had our graduation show, we weren’t solidifying the line-up until almost the week before, so I thought maybe it was last minute. I couldn’t wait to read it. Usually, I only check my email during the week, but I couldn’t stand not knowing. So I went ahead and checked it, on a Sunday. To my dismay, it was not an invitation to perform at the graduation show. It was however an invitation to perform at a showcase they were putting on last night. I was glad to be invited. The short notice seemed a bit odd. But, in essence, it gave me hope that maybe they’re just dragging their feet, and there’s still a chance that I may get asked to the graduation show. I thought performing last night, might at least give them a little reminder that I’m a team player. It was a little tricky, because I had band practice already lined up. My punk band has a show tonight, and we wanted to get one more practice in to make sure we can rock as hard as possible. We already practiced on Tuesday, and probably didn’t really need the extra, but it never hurts. Well, that’s not exactly true, a lot of times my fingers hurt, but I think you get my point. Anyway, I set it up so we would just have a quick practice, so I could make it to the comedy show. They were all agreeable. I didn’t find out until Tuesday that I was “in.” So I only had 2 days to get ready. I try to do a new performance every time. Not a total revamp, but just a few modifications, to make it different than the last time. One of the ladies has been doing comedy for 5 years, and she’s been doing the same bit the entire time.

     I like working on it. I like refining it, trying to make it the best, and smoothest it can be. I like making sure I’m saying what I actually want to say, and the way I want to say it. So, I have to practice. It’s interesting how just changing a few things, makes it a whole new thing to remember. Anyway, I killed it. One of the performers, who’s been on the scene for a while, actually approached me after the show to see if I was interested in doing some other shows, that aren’t ASAP related. I was kind of stoked. I gave him my info, and hope that leads to something. One of the other performers, also a person who has been doing this a while, said I had a great set and that I should do audio books. Audio books!? I’m performing a comedy routine, and his takeaway is that I have a nice voice?! I wasn’t sure how to take that. I decided it’s a compliment. He said he'd listen to me read anything, that’s got to be something. One of the organizers said I would make a great mentor. I didn’t know what that meant. I didn’t ask for clarification. Sometimes she says things that don’t ring true. She takes lots of pictures, and I’ve never seen one. I’m still waiting to see the video from my first show! Anyway, I hope to be able to perform more. I hope this community is actually starting to grow. But, and this is the last I’ll say about it, for now, I found it very odd that none of the current students attended the event. Wouldn’t you think that they would at least want to see what’s going on? Wouldn’t you think that they would want to, kind of, know what to expect? I thought that was bizarre. I went when I was a student. Even at 4 weeks, of a 6-week class, I was chomping at the bit. It makes me wonder about the new group of “comics.”

Old Friends

      Sometimes my laziness overwhelms me. Well, I’m not sure if laziness is the right word, but that’s the word I’ll use. I almost talked myself out of writing again. And, it’s not for nothing, I was going to work on my game, again. That’s why I’m not sure if laziness is the word. I was going to do something. But you know what? I’ve worked on my game several times this week, and haven’t worked on my writing, so this is the right choice. Plus, if I get this done fast enough, I can still get a game in. But it is playoff season. And the Padres do start in an hour. I’m not a huge baseball fan. I like competition, and I like seeing people do their thing. I also like knowing what’s going on, so I can be part of the conversation, should one arise. Plus, it’s local, and it’s exciting, so I’m watching. I’ve watched more baseball in the past eight days than I’ve watched in the past 24 years combined. But, I don’t want to get FOMO. I can still play a game while the game is on, it’s not like I have to be mesmerized by the TV, most of the time they replay the cool stuff anyway. That’s why I prefer watching at home, the commentary and the replays. Baseball in person is boring. Although I dare not say that these days, people will call me a heretic. I feel safe telling you, I know you won’t tell anyone. Watching this much baseball has made me think about an old friend of mine. He was a baseball fan. I would watch with him sometimes. I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently. I once had a friend who bought season tickets to the Padres, then didn’t want them, so he gave them to me. I almost always took the friend I’m thinking of now. We were estranged when I got the tickets, it brought us closer together. I hadn’t thought of that in a while.

     I sent him a message on FB today. Just to let him know I was thinking of him. I would have texted, but I texted him on his birthday earlier this year, and it was no longer his number. Even though we don’t talk that much anymore, I was still surprised that I wasn’t on his list to update. I know if I got a new phone number, I would have let him know. And I know that sometimes, for unknown reasons, numbers get deleted, or don’t get transferred over correctly, but it still seems odd. Hopefully he checks FB. I know he’s not on that often, but we’ll see. It was really bad last night because I was watching “Best of the Best.” It’s a kickboxing movie from the late 80’s. We used to watch all of those types of movies together. So, with baseball, and kickboxing, I’ve been thinking about him a lot, and I wrote him to let him know. Hopefully it’ll cheer him up if he needs it, or at least let him know he’s being thought about. I can’t imagine anyone not being cheered up by that. Even if you’re already in a good mood. It’s funny how people tend to drift. I think I’m one of the only people I hear regularly saying “I used to have this friend…” I think most people still refer to a person as a friend even if they’re not currently acting as such. I still consider him my friend, but there are a lot of people who I’ve known that I would say “used to be my friend.” A lot of the people that I am friends with, at this point in time, have been friends with their friend group for a long time. I’m probably in about 3 friend groups, and they have all been friends since they were children. I don’t know how my wife and I got in, but we did. But then again, they have been my friends now for over 20 years, so that’s kind of like we were kids too. But it’s different.

     It feels to me like people who’ve been friends with the same people so long, just didn’t move on. I’ve noticed being one of the few people who’ve been let in. Almost like people don’t really make friends at a certain point. I have to keep my friend game up, just in case. Although, I will say, I’m not really looking. The fact that my daughter doesn’t really have many friends seems to bother her. And I don’t really get it. Friends come, and friends go, I don’t think having friends should be some kind of measuring stick to make sure your life is on track. But it does seem to be just that. People want to know what kind of friends you have, what kind of company you keep. I guess it’s natural. I was just reading this thing about narcissism, and not having friends is a big factor. Red flag! Even on job applications, they want to know if you know some people who think you’re okay. Plus, it is good to have people you look forward to seeing. As a young person, I can imagine it’s nice to have people to do things with. Being around people your own age, and like-mindedness, is important. She can’t just hang around her parents and grandmother all the time. But at the same time, I get confused because she could have had lots of friends. She’s been living in the same area her whole life. I’m still not quite sure what occurred to keep her from having a large group of friends. The only thing I can imagine is that it stems from the friend she used to have. Apparently that person had a huge impact on the kind of friends that my daughter could have. Now they aren’t even friends. They don’t even speak. But the impact is still real.  

Complaining Can Be Helpful

      I’m feeling awkward this week. I have to keep reminding myself that this is just to practice writing. Content will come when I have more going on. But, for now, this is just to get in the habit of writing, and hopefully, paying attention to what’s going on in my life, and how it affects me. The awkwardness stems from the fact that I realize that a lot of this is mostly about my bands. Which makes sense, that is a major part of my life. The part I’m not too happy about, is that I know I would not be writing most of it, if I knew that they would read it. I know I’m not saying anything particularly “bad,” and I’m not using anyone’s name, or even the band names for that matter. But still, I don’t promote this. I’m not trying to get people to read it. And as mentioned previously, if I was going to post it on social media, or some other platform that people I know would have an actual potential to read it, I would not bring up so much of our personal laundry. There’s a certain amount of anonymity that I appreciate about this, so I can vent. But, at the same time, when I started this, the idea was that I would be writing things that I wouldn’t have a problem with people reading. The initial intent was to, in a way, be publishing my thoughts, thus, in a way, forcing myself to write things that wouldn’t be offensive, be true to myself, and allow others to peek behind the curtain a little. Now, all I feel that I’m doing is kind of complaining. Complaining about people I care for, and complaining in a way that I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable with the people being complained about seeing. I consider that a problem. I prefer transparency.

     However, there is a lot of drama involved in being in a band. And no one is reading this. Yet. And I’m not saying anything that “bad.” These are my actual thoughts, my actual feelings. And, to some degree, this is helping. Last week, after having hashed it out with the written word, on the glowing screen, I made a better decision to not say anything negative. It went a lot better. We had fun. We played great. And, I actually got a little insight into what might be going on with the drummer. I was glad we got to play, I was glad to get a little insight, and I was glad that I didn’t cause any drama, or whatever you may call it, to take away from the fun we had. The keyboardist had bought a new keyboard. The other one was large, cumbersome, and old enough to be out of tune. Buying a new keyboard is not the action of someone who thinks we’re done. That goes a long way. Buying new gear shows interest. That’s good. I’ve enjoyed re-listening to practice, and overall, it was a good time last week. I’m glad I didn’t ruin it. And I attribute a lot of that to having sounded it out here first. That is also good. So, had I not done this, I may have made an ass out of myself, or at least caused a bunch of unnecessary tension. That is not the guy I want to be. Hence, this is, or at least can be, helpful. Which is one of the reasons I’m at odds this week. If it’s helpful, I should continue. On the other hand, I don’t want to be a complainer. And I certainly don’t want to be writing a bunch of stuff that I’m nervous about people seeing. Even though I don’t think it’s that “bad.” So, that’s where I’m at on the precipice of tonight’s practice.

     I didn’t even think we were going to practice tonight. I was all set to do this tomorrow, and I was ready to watch the football game tonight with my wife. Initially, the drummer said he could practice. Then the next day he said he was sick and couldn’t make it. I never heard from the guitar player. I was bummed. I don’t feel I should have to nag people to get them to respond to something we all supposedly care about. If I don’t cancel the rehearsal space 24 hours in advance, I have to pay for it anyway. So I always want to cancel before that happens. They should all know that. Therefore, I was surprised to get a text from the guitar player last night around 8 pm, asking if we’re practicing. I let him know that because I hadn’t heard from him, I had to cancel. I offered a couple of suggestions, in case we did want to practice. I did not hear from him. I imagined we were off. At first I thought it was cool, because my punk band wanted to practice on Thursday. The singer wanted to watch the Padres on TV Tuesday, instead of practice. It felt like we could still get one in. But when I let them know, finally, that I was available, the guitar player did not want to. So, fine, football with the wife, love it! Then, I got a text today that my prog guitar player was sorry about not getting back to me, that he didn’t know until then what his schedule was. And, he took one of my suggestions, and would like us to get together tonight. So, the 3 of us who get together more often are going over to his house tonight. Go figure.

When To Speak Up

      Finally, practice tonight! I looked it up, we had a show on June 25^th, and we have not played since. It’s October! That is fucking ridiculous. It’s hard not to be disappointed. I know I should just be grateful that I get to play tonight, and I am, but in general, how can we be a band when we haven’t been in the same room together in 3 months!? I guess technically we all went camping with each other in August, but that’s not playing. I hope I remember how the songs go. That’s kind of a joke. I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine, but those other guys? I really don’t know. I’m sure we’ll have fun. It’s been a long time. It’s supposed to be about fun. I’ll have to try to keep that in mind. I’m half tempted to let everyone know how I feel, but I’m not sure what good that would do. We finally get to play, I don’t want to ruin it by being Mr. Emotional. There’s not really a point in complaining about not playing on the night we get to play. Maybe when we’re done. No, I should just be glad that we are getting to play. This is the dilemma that runs through my mind on a regular basis: Tell people that their behavior is bothering me, or let it go, and just be glad that the behavior I don’t like isn’t happening right now. I should be able to bring it up. I should be able to let people close to me know that I’m bothered. We’re in a long-term relationship, I should be able to express myself. I feel I have a right to know what’s going on. I feel I have a right to be curious about what's going on. But I won’t get answers, I’ll just upset people. And there’s no point in upsetting people on the day I’m glad to see them. I guess I’ll just keep it to myself, again.

     Keeping things to myself is not exactly the way I live my life. I think it’s important to bring things up, as they come up, so that they don’t have time to fester. I think a lot of people wait way too long to speak up, then when they are finally so fed up that they have to say something, they go overboard, and it seems like a dramatic explosion. But, I also realize, that some things need let go. I don’t know that “it feels like the band is dissolving” is something that needs “let go.” I will say something, but when are we going to all be in a room together, to have this discussion, when it’s not playing time? I suppose we could have a meeting. But if we can’t even get together to practice, how are we going to schedule a time to talk about our feelings? That doesn’t mean it won’t work, or that I won’t try, I’m just saying, that’s about where we’re at. Not good. What’s worse, is that I’m not even sure how much I care anymore. That’s not good. Sometimes I feel I’ve gotten past being upset, and am starting to become complacent. I can’t sit around being bummed that I’m in a band with people who don’t want to play forever. It feels sometimes like we’re not even really in a band, so it seems normal that I would lose some fervor, since it’s not something I’m regularly in tune with anymore. How many times can you hear “no” before you stop asking? Well, as soon as I wrote that, I was reminded about stories I’ve heard about people trying to get something they really wanted. Whether it’s trying to close a sale, or trying to follow your dreams, I have heard you have to almost become immune to the sound of the word “no.” I suppose I can take that into consideration, but then I have to decide if this is something I really want.

     It feels weird to type that. It seems weird to feel this way. I’ve been playing with these guys for 20 years. This band has been my singular focus for 20 years. Although, in all honesty, the music has been the focus for longer than that. Nearly 30 years! Most of the songs we play I’ve been playing since before I met them. These songs have been in my scope for most of my adult life. And now I’m just kind of like “eh.” That seems weird. However, at the same time, I don’t want to be upset all the time. And, as much as it pains me to say this, I’m getting older. People aren’t really into the type of music we’re playing. 20 years ago, maybe, but not now. I know we always thought we’re playing it for ourselves. Playing what we like. But if we’re not playing shows, and people aren’t really showing up to the shows we do play, then what’s the point? I guess everybody hangs it up at some point. Plus, my mind has been wandering. I still think about playing shows and stuff, but I spend almost no time thinking about new music. Best I can think of is 1 more album. Then I’d probably be done anyway. And, I hate to admit it, I don’t really need these particular guys to make that album. I want to, I’ve been thinking about making it with them for a long time now. But it doesn’t have to be. Now I think a lot more about my book, and about my games. My mind is yearning to stretch itself in other directions. I am running out of time, and have other things I’d like to be able to get done. I know that those things may not be getting done on a Thursday night, but still, my mind thinks of other things. I have every right to shift my focus. And, if I’m the only one really trying to hold this thing together, then maybe it has run it’s course.