Where We Stand

This lull in activity that I continue to wait for is apparently still a ways off. I don't know what, in particular, makes me think that it even exists. I keep feeling like we're supposed to get back to some kind of ideal, where everything is mellow, and variance from the norm is rare. Stella Mae even made mention of it the other day. We were talking about how we used to rush home after laundry night, so we could see The Simpsons at 7 pm. (Of course, The Simpsons have been on at 6 pm for years now, to give you an idea of what we're talking about.) She made a comment about how she used to have to shower at 7:30 pm, and now it's more like “Whenever she has time.” That remark caught me a little off guard, as I said “No, you're shower time is 9 pm.” She was talking about a time when she was around 6 years old. She's about to be 15! It's still time to shower about a half hour before our night-time routine. The only real thing that has changed is her bedtime, and the amount of things that can be gotten done before it. In her defense, I will say that now she may shower earlier if she wants, and, on occasion, she may shower in the morning, if it suits the needs of all the parties involved. I found it odd that in my mind, we still have a “routine,” and in her mind she does as she pleases. I'm not sure if that's a symptom of being a teenager, or part of the larger plot seemingly at hand. The plot being that life does not go back. Lull is only accompanied by inactivity, which, as with all things, can only be handled in moderation. Progress is not a symptom of inactivity, it is antithetical to it.

I guess, as I think about it, as I write this, the last statement I made was not entirely true. Sometimes taking a break from something, can offer you a valuable perspective. A perspective you may not have gotten while fully immersed in the situation. Down time is important to our recovery. We need time to reflect, we need time to rejuvenate, we need time to relax! It's part of the Yang. However, I have, at this time, come to the conclusion that this ethereal idea that I have of going back to some imagined “norm” has to be put to bed. We have to push forward, in order to get things done. Things have to keep getting more complex in order for progress to be made, I see that now. But a break would be nice. And, I'm happy to say, one is coming. I mentioned my parents going overboard with the gifts this past Holiday Season. Well, now they've done it. They have invited the 3 of us on a cruise to Alaska. I can hardly believe it. It seems to be exactly what the doctor ordered. A road trip up to San Francisco, then sailing to Glacier Bay for a week or so. Two weeks of nothing but scenery, family, fun, food, games, drinks, and brand new experiences. I can't wait! I'm especially happy for Susan. I've been on a cruise before, I've sailed the world. Stella Mae gets to travel quite a bit, she just got back from Europe! But Susan hasn't ever gotten to do anything like this. I'm so happy to get to share it with her, she is truly an appreciative person. Plus getting to see the glaciers before they, well you know. This will be so cool!

Things look like they're going pretty good. All things considered. As I mentioned last time, my guitar player and I went and checked out a really cool venue. Just to let you know, we ended up getting a gig out of it. April 26^th! I can't wait. It's at the Butcher Brewery in Santee. It is a totally cool place. Great beer, and a big warehouse with picnic tables and mood lighting. Imagine if you were at your friends huge garage, who just also happened to be a Master Brewer. That's where we're playing! Plus, they're getting a food truck. Are you kidding me!? I can't wait, it should be such a good time. On a sadder note, we went to Susan's Grandmother's Funeral last week. I find it fairly off-putting that the word Funeral, with all it stands for, starts off with the word Fun. It certainly wasn't fun. I could not believe how few people were there. Although it was 5 more than I expected. When I first met Susan her Grandfather passed, and even though he was not biologically related to any of them, people came out of the word work to pay him respects. Respects to which they would not give their own Mother. I'm baffled. No one seems to know really what happened, although they all have their own theory. I just can't comprehend a situation more appropriate for setting your differences aside. It has really got me thinking about how important it is for us to be totally honest with each other at all times, so that in the unfortunate circumstance that something does happen, everyone knows where we stand with them.

Daughn

Good Grief?

This has been quite the week. Of course, when I say week, I'm referring to the time that has lapsed since the last time I did this, not the week in which it is currently Wednesday. Although, just the week in which it is currently only Wednesday, could still qualify as quite a week. Last week, I did get everything done that I needed to. Hanging out with my guitar player went well. I took his advice, and stayed away from doing shots. I felt fine the next morning. I thought it was interesting, because he made a comment about us needing a goal. It seems as though he feels we're kind of stagnating, without having some type of larger pursuit on the horizon. This struck me as odd, because in my mind, we're working on an album. We have about 7 of the 12 songs down okay. 2 of the 12 are getting better, and 3 of the 12 haven't even been attempted yet. I still haven't felt like starting the last 3 because it feels to me like so little effort is being put into learning the middle 2. He just got a few new effects pedals, and has been experimenting with new sounds and stuff, so I have been being patient, waiting for him to get his “sound” together, so that we can move on. It is making a huge amount of difference to our sound. I'm glad we've gone in this direction. And, I see the time taken, as time well spent. But it seems to me, kind of like the pile I mentioned last week, when you cannot actually see tangible results, it is harder to know that anything is really being accomplished. Maybe it'd help if he listened to our rehearsal CD's.

He doesn't get the rehearsal CD because he can't remember to bring them back. Since there's three of us, I have set up a triangle trade, to disseminate the material. You bring a disc to practice, you take a disc home with you. That way we're all hearing the new material being worked on, and can get better at our parts. He knows what needs to happen, and refuses, which to me shows very little effort on his part. So, therefore, to me, it's no wonder that he feels we need a goal, he doesn't have one! I told him as much on Saturday night, when we hung out again, but I'll get to that in a bit. My parents were in town for Valentine's Day. So, I got to have lunch with them, and then we all got to have dinner as a family. They invited us to go on a cruise with them to Alaska! We only have to pay for our own extra expenses. I can't believe it! I told you, they are being very generous. I don't get it. It's a little scary, and I asked them about it, but they assured me that they are fine, they just feel like living it up a little before they retire. I thought it was the other way around, but hey, let's face it, retirement is not really in my future, so what do I know. That was exciting news. Then at dinner, my guitar player called, because we got a possible gig. He mentioned how cool it was that he was just saying that we needed a goal and now we have one. I let him have that one, even though I knew I'd be talking to him about it. Two pieces of good news on the same day, I could hardly contain myself. It seemed that all was well.

On Valentine's Eve, we had gotten word that Susan's Grandmother, was in extremely poor health, and would only be with us a few more days. We made the decision to go see her on Sunday. On Saturday, Stella Mae went with her Aunt, so Susan and I met my guitar player at the place where we'll be gigging. It was a very cool venue, but I'll comment more on that in the future. We had a blast! However, on that same day, we found out that Susan's Grandmother passed, and we never made it over to say good bye. That may be for the better, but we'll never know. Somehow, Susan got the task of handling all of the arrangements. None of the family involved is talking to each other, only to Susan. It's a bit more than strange. Her and her two cousins are the only ones taking any leadership. So this is turning out to be a very strange week indeed. Now we have a funeral to go to tomorrow. Bizarre! Watching this all happen, has got me really thinking about my parents, hoping they really are okay, and hoping they have all of their papers in order. There are so many things that you'd never really think of if you haven't gone through this before. What a time for people to be acting like babies, it's kind of disturbing. But, the same thing happened when my Grandmother passed. It was just as Susan and I met, 12 years ago, and my Mom and her Sisters are just now starting to talk again. It seems strange that in both cases, the person who took the responsibility for the final care, was demonized by the others. I guess everyone grieves in their own way, but the parallels here, are astonishing.

Daughn  

Time Management

Time keeps seeming to get away from me. I am starting to realize that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I spend far too much time trying to recover from the night before. I really am trying to do better. Even though, I say this a few hours before band practice, which always brings with it the possibility of an unpleasant morning. Tonight especially. I guess the drummer is sick. I say “I guess” because I heard it second hand from my guitar player. The guitar player still wanted to hang out. I thought that was pretty cool. It might seem weird, but I still felt glad that he wanted to hang out with me. He's the closest thing I have to a friend. With the exception of Susan, of course. I know we're in a band together, but that doesn't necessarily mean “friends.” Anyway, before I get too far away from the point, if there is one, “Hanging Out” is a rare occasion, and I welcome all of the things that go along with it. But, however, in general, I am attempting to do much better. Realizing I'm wasting my time recovering is hitting me like a lead brick. I have things I want to do. And instead, I sit around miserable wishing I had spent my time last night more wisely. I am ready. I was good last night. I felt great this morning! I woke up at 8:30 am, all on my own. I had slept enough. I was refreshed. I was ready to get some stuff done. Yet, as lunch time rapidly approached, I was found wondering where my morning had gone. I got up and got started. But, four hours later, I had to try to remember how my time got spent.

I used to think I had a pretty good grasp of my time management. I no longer feel that way. I think it took me about 45 minutes to e-mail my Mom. I thought it was going to take about 5-10. Apparently I spent almost 20 minutes looking up words. Of which, I was only going to look up two. The only thing that took the time I thought it would was downloading last week's practice. That's right, last week's practice, which as I'm sure you can guess, should have been done already. Now I've only got 30 minutes to finish this up, before I go get Stella Mae, and then I still have two more things to get done before 4 pm. And, all of this is with one other thing I omitted from today's schedule, which I decided would best be done tomorrow. Hence the problem, stacking things up to be done tomorrow. I used to live my life like there was no tomorrow, and now tomorrow is apparently when I'm going to do all the stuff that I didn't get done today. And the kicker is, this is all happening with an early start. I feel fine, and got started early, and still had to push some stuff 'til tomorrow. But now we're “Hanging Out,” which could quite possibly mean that I'm not getting anything done before work tomorrow. That is one of the biggest problems with leaving stuff for tomorrow, we never know what tomorrow may bring. And then stuff gets left undone. I hate that word, “undone.” Although, you wouldn't know it looking around our Apartment. We still have our Christmas decorations up, and have not yet put away gifts.

In our defense, I will say that my parents got intensely out of control with the gifts this year. We really have no place to put all the stuff that they got us. I keep trying to make people aware of the limited space we have. I think they take it as modesty when I say that we don't really need, or want anything. But I really do prefer things that are perishable, because we have no storage. Even if we wanted to “store” it, our storage unit is half an hour away, so we have to really decide what stays and what goes. It's no excuse, but it truly is not a matter of just putting it away, we have to decide what to do with it. Just so you know, that is not what I was planning on doing tomorrow. That is going to take a lot more time than I have tomorrow. I will say that there is an advantage to leaving yourself something to do. Having things to set your mind on and see through to the end, especially when they cannot be completed in a single day, builds character. But, letting the “To-Do” lists pile up is a nasty little game that sucks you in. At least, in our situation, the solution is unavoidable. We can only work around it for so long. Something has to be done! However, the pile of “To-Do” lists in our minds are not always that easy to see. I don't know where that last line came from, so I'm just going to leave it in there. In closing let me just say that at this point I've got at least two things going in my favor: 1) A desire to make a change and, 2) My guitar player's self control can be used to my benefit, if I listen.

Daughn   

The Dreams Have Changed

Two weeks in a row! Alright, I hope this is a trend. Although I was feeling like a nap, I decided to push through anyway, since we never know what tomorrow may bring. Not only is this two weeks in a row for writing, but also two weeks in a row for band practice. Yeah! It was kind of funny, because last week I took Susan with us to band practice. It had been a while since she had gotten to go up. Sh*t it had been a while since we had anyone up. I say “up” because we play up in the mountains, literally looking down over the entire county, it's pretty breath taking. There are some pictures on our website if your interested. The funny part about Susan going to practice was that I asked her to bring the camera, so we could get some pictures, and record a video or two. However, we were not really playing at our best. My guitar player was ill, but decided to push through anyway since we hadn't played in a while. He really didn't feel like having his picture taken. He couldn't sing, I could barely sing, and nobody was really up to par. So, in hindsight, it was probably not the best practice to try to capture images. The only reason Susan even got to go was because Stella Mae was still in Europe. I'm not even sure if I ever went into that with you. Stella Mae just got back from touring England and Scotland, with her school choir. She is safe at home now, for which I am eternally grateful. I am so glad it's finally over. It was weighing on my mind, but now it's over, and everything's fine. I'm glad she got to go.

A funny thing happened to me the other day. It's a little embarrassing to talk about, but I figure I'll go for it anyway. I have always thought that I had overly excessive sweat glands. My pits have been a problem for me since I can remember. So, the other day I was listening to the radio, and they were looking for people to help them with a sweat study. I decided to see what it was all about. The odd thing was, I had just decided to switch off Antiperspirants. I had read that Aluminum, which most of them contain, could be the cause for the yellowing of the shirt. Then, come to find out, for the study, you could not use any product containing Aluminum. I thought that was too close to be coincidence, and felt as though there was some kind of synchronous event happening. Imagine my surprise when I was turned down for the study. Apparently I don't sweat enough for their concerns. I was a bit shocked to realize that what I consider overactive sweat glands don't even qualify for the study. It kind of helps put things into perspective when you think you have a problem, and then come to realize that apparently, other people have it much worse than you. I'm still a little baffled, to think that this thing I've been agonizing over, for years, is essentially no big deal. Well, no big deal to them anyway. But it has gotten me thinking about it. It's a bit like watching Jerry Springer, “At least I'm not like those people!” It makes me wonder what other issues I think I have that wouldn't even qualify for the study.

I suppose that's a fairly decent way to look at things. Although, I do have to say, I try not to make a habit out of comparing myself to the worst. There seems to be something intrinsically negative about comparing yourself to the worst. I usually want to strive for, at least, above average. Being better than the worst is hardly a consolation. I'll have to put some more thought into that. Anyway, before I go I want to touch on one more thing, that kind of touches on last week's topic. Although, this time it's about real dreams, not fantasy dreams. I know other people's dreams can be boring, so I won't go into detail. When I was teaching Traffic School, I would often have dreams of completely bombing. In the theatrical sense of course. People walking out, no control over the class, hysteria. But now that I don't teach that class anymore, I find it very amusing that when I do have Traffic School dreams, I'm killing it. In the theatrical sense of course. I'm teaching the best classes of my life. I'm funny, people are interested, everything is as it should be. It seems so odd to me that now that that part of my life is over with, the dreams have changed. I never had good Traffic School dreams before. And here's the clincher, now that I work retail, my undesirable dreams have to do with not being able to find the right product, not being able to find the proper price, or any other various problems associated with retail sales. I just find it terribly interesting that, both literally and figuratively, my dreams have changed.

Daughn