Eventually...

I've been working so much recently, that I'm having trouble keeping the days straight. It's so weird to go from working one or two days a week, to working 6 days a week. I'm missing Football Season! I really need to clean my room. My space is getting gradually, and gradually, smaller. It's kind of sad. I still have all of my Traffic School gear ready to go, as if I might have to teach a last minute emergency Traffic School class. That is not going to happen. I need to get rid of that stuff. Plus, because our storage unit is so far away, we haven't made the trip up there since I went to get our Halloween costumes. So, since my room is/was, the only room with extra space, that's where we stashed it until we have time to go back to the storage unit. It's making me crazy. I practically have to do yoga, just to get to my stuff. Not to mention that, but also, the top of my dresser has so much extra change on it, that it looks like one of those arcade games where you have to try to launch coins at a bunch of other coins, in the hope that a bunch will fall, and you get to keep what falls. That is a symptom of Post-Traffic School Blues as well. I used to always save my dimes and nickels so I could make change at my classes. Well, now, I have no classes, so all the dimes and nickels, that I still continue to save, are not getting used. Instead it's like they're breeding. I've got to find a better place to put them. I always try to keep a dollar of them in my pocket, but they're still not finding homes fast enough.

It's too bad my bank account can't keep money in it the way my dresser can. I can't remember the last time I was out of coins. I mean that literally. It's making me realize that it's all part of the bigger problem of not dealing with things right away. There is no reason on this Earth as to why I'm still, in some way, stuck in Traffic School mode. I guess it was kind of like a break-up. After all, I was not the one who decided to “end” it. It was taken from me. But that's still no excuse. As far as the costumes go, it's $10 in gas to get to the storage unit and back, so I'd like to make it a worthwhile trip. Plus that takes time. Time that seems to be in high demand right now. But it's not just coins, or Traffic School gear, or Halloween costumes, it's greater than all of that. And, when two or more people share the same affliction, it compounds the issue. The dishes need done, badly. It's getting to the point where it will be severely uncomfortable if they're not done by tomorrow. So they have to be done today. On my day off. What fun! Furthermore, Susan was off Saturday and Sunday, with no child, and still let them sit. Which I guess I can relate to, as I sit here on my day off not wanting to spend my only free time doing dishes. But I would have! I was planning on it, to be nice, and also to help myself prepare for the rest of the week. However, there was a change to the schedule, and now it looks like I won't have time. I was therefore a bit befuddled when Susan suggested that I find a way to get them done.

It feels like a kind of game of chicken, trying to see who'll break down and do them first. Although, we do work a lot, and as I started out saying, it's taking us some time to get used to this new schedule. Ever since we've known each other, I've had lots of time to be helpful. I think, only as of this very minute, that it really has to do with time management. We're not used to being so busy. Life has changed and we need to get with the new program. Even as of right this moment, I'm still looking at an empty printer. I haven't gotten paper yet! I'll do that today, now that it's become a problem. Even over the past couple of weeks, I've had to cram this into an hour. At first it was a bit difficult, and I wasn't sure how I'd be able to do what I want with the time that I have. But, over the past couple of sessions, I've noticed that my typing is getting a lot faster, which is helpful. I'm spending almost no time thinking about what to write. I'm not sure how helpful that is. I do, however, feel that it's causing me to streamline a bit, and get right to what I'm thinking about. Although, that was not what I originally intended for this particular adventure, that's where we are at now. And I'm adjusting to it. I will eventually be able to knock out a pointed piece in an hour. I will eventually clean my room. I will eventually find a place for all those extra coins. I will eventually get rid of my Traffic School stuff. I will eventually make sure the dishes get done. Eventually, “eventually” will be right now.

Daughn

The Digital Dilemma

I'm staring at a blank screen with nothing coming to mind. I have to get this right, because I only have two pieces of paper left. No room for error. Thank the Almighty that I can edit before I print. Although that doesn't always matter, because inevitably I, or Susan, will find something that I, or spell check, missed. I try to fix it right away, so that hopefully you won't notice, but I always keep a hard copy, and that means additional pieces of paper. I hate wasting paper. I hate wasting just about anything. Except of course time, and brain cells. I seem to have no problem wasting them. Even before I began this, I had a good amount of time to complete it. But YouTube, and it's d*mn recommendations, got me watching stuff I didn't really need to watch. I did laugh though, so that's something. It kind of freaks me out how they are able to track what kinds of things you have looked up before. I have to admit, I do not always sign in to YouTube to search for things. I guess I can say I usually do not sign in to watch, or listen, to stuff. But, it seems to have several suggestions very close to things I've already looked up. Freaky! I guess I'm still a bit of a technological neophyte. It makes me wonder if I should be more careful about what I decide to look at. Although, I never really look at anything that bad, it still freaks me out that they know. I had a really hard time deciding what album to listen to today, and their suggestions didn't help one bit. It actually made it a little tougher.

I keep meaning to make a list of things that I want to listen to, but, for one reason or another, I continue to not do it. Considering how many lists I make, it seems a bit bizarre that I have not accumulated this listening list yet. I keep having ideas, and think I should write them down, but it just doesn't happen. Then I put myself on the spot, where I have to decided at the very moment, when recently, I don't have the extra time to sit thinking. Today, I actually had a bit of a cushion, but then thanks to my wandering eye, I wasted time watching things that aren't going to help me get this done. Furthermore, I already had no idea whatsoever, about what to write. So wasting my time on stupid YouTube videos was not really a productive way to get things started. I keep telling myself to write first. I can check my email, and watch all the videos I want when I'm done. But usually, by the time I'm done doing this, the last thing I want to do is spend more time sitting here. I'm not really sure how people sit at a computer all day long. More than an hour or so, and I can't stand it. I still have a hard time believing that this is how a lot of people spend their time. Not only on an actual computer, but on their computer devices. So many people are constantly looking down at their phones, and such, that I'm worried in the future we'll all be some kind of hunch backs. It reminds me of something my wrestling coach used to say: “Real men keep their heads up, only losers look down.” He was talking about walking, but still.

It's kind of funny, because as the world goes more and more towards digital everything, I find myself going the other way. Granted, I have come to appreciate the mechanism by which this is done. Switching to a digital recording device, for my band, has changed things completely, for the better. I do see a benefit to certain technological advances. But at the same time, I believe it's actually crippling us socially. Sure people are in more constant contact with one another now, than they've ever been before. At the same time though, it seems that actual interpersonal communication is taking a back seat to electronic communication. I don't see how this can be good. Now I find myself wanting to have real conversations with people. I've always been a conversationalist, but now it's on overdrive. I want to actually talk to people. I make sure to make eye contact with people now. As a tall person, I've always made a joke about eye contact being a choice I can make. Well, I make that choice now. It is becoming very important to me to communicate effectively. I've always wanted to communicate well, but now it's different. I want people to know that I am not one of these zombies walking around with digital tunnel vision. I am a real person, with real thoughts, and real ideas, and really want to be spending time with the people that I am deciding to spend my time with. I've never really been a go with the flow type, and I just hope that there are more people out there, resisting the digital dilemma.

Daughn

Getting Started At 1:30 pm

I'm feeling a bit hurried today. Well, I guess hurried and ashamed. For the past two Fridays I have decided to write about this time, 1:30 pm, which only gives me one hour and fifteen minutes to complete it. I really don't like having the time constraint. It puts a pressure on getting it done quickly. I feel, for most of us, hurrying is not always when we do our best work. It doesn't offer much reflection time, and almost no time for editing. But I suppose I can see the benefit of having to come up with content quickly. So, as far as “practicing” goes, I guess this is good practice. You know, deadlines and all that. This is where the ashamed feeling rears it's ugly head. I had Monday and Tuesday off, but I decided to leave this until today. I had plenty of time, I just didn't do it. The worst part is that I didn't even really do anything special with my time off. I loafed. I'm not happy to admit that, but it's true. That is another reason I feel ashamed. I have recently been trying to get some writing gigs on the side, during my down time. Then, when I had down time, I loafed, instead of trying to get a gig. I am not happy about this. Especially with the onset of the Holiday Season, my down time is dwindling, and I wasted my time. It's unnerving. It's especially unnerving because I know the cause. Too much booze. When I know I don't have to go to “work” the next day, I feel like having a few drinks. The problem being that it's taking me a lot longer to recover these days. I can't be successful starting at 1:30 pm.

I'm pretty bothered by this. Bothered enough to do something about it? I don't know. But I hope so. I have signed up on a couple of web sites that hire writers, so I've started the process, I'm just not being proactive enough. I have noticed though that on a couple of the sites, they're by specific time lengths, for completion. So maybe this hurry up practice is going to pay off in the long run. Although, I do not want to keep having to hurry. I've also noticed on a couple of the sites that they want articles written on certain topics. It's really making me realize how much work I'm going to have to do to be good at it. And I can't get that much work done starting at 1:30 pm. A couple of the things I've also noticed about these sites has got me into a bit of a moral dilemma. One of my dilemmas has to do with the fact that a lot of the “work” available has to do with gossip. Gossip! Whether it's sports or entertainment, celebrity gossip. That makes me sick. It makes me ill to think about what some of these celebrities go through. I know some of them stay celebrities because of this type of gossip, but that doesn't make it right. It seems to me that the ones who stay popular through this particular medium, are the ones with the least amount of talent. I refuse to work hard for them. The other ones, the talented ones, seem to be pretty good at staying away from this type of scrutiny, so why should I go out of my way to try to find some kind of interesting tidbit for a few dollars? I think they should be left alone.

The other part of the dilemma is that a lot of the “work” available is for product, or web site, reviews. As I wrote that, it kind of seemed like “What's the big deal with that?” The big deal with that is, they are asking for articles written “as if” the author had used the product. They totally don't care if the review is honest or not, as long as it sounds as if it's from an actual user. One of them was for a Plastic Surgeon! A fake review for a Plastic Surgeon, I almost got ill. The part that got me the most was that for some of them, not the Plastic Surgeon, I started the dialogue in my head “Is it really all that bad?” After all, it's just creative writing, I can make up a story. I've been making up stories for years. But then the new part of me spoke up. Writing fake reviews, even if no one gets hurt, is still a fake review. I am coming from a place in my life where I am trying to share the truth. I am trying to live in truth. And I just don't see where writing fake reviews, even for the writing practice, falls under the truth. So I'll wait until the right assignment comes along. But it's really got me thinking about how corrupt a lot of people, and businesses, are. It really kind of makes me sad. It reminds me of a line from one of my favorite songs, from one of my favorite bands: “Everything you hear, or read, or see on TV is a product begging for your fat *ss dirty dollar.” The more I realize that statement to be true, the less I want to be a part of that idiom. I want to be creative, and successful, but I guess not at “any” cost.

Daughn  

Bring On The Holidays

Halloween has come and gone. I think this was the first year ever I didn't have any plans. Halloween used to be one of my favorite “holidays,” but now it seems like a bit of an inconvenience. Pumpkin carving is still cool. Pumpkin seed roasting is still fun. I really like Haunted Houses. I used to think it was fun to dedicate a day to the macabre, but it feels silly now. It's become something else. I spend a lot of time now trying to continuously be myself, so becoming a character is not high on my list. I'm sure if you have little children, it's still fun to get them all dressed up. But to me Halloween has lost it's edge. I find myself now hoping I don't get any Trick-or-Treaters. I still prepare, just in case, I don't want to be “that guy.” I do, however, find myself wanting to go out on Halloween night, just so I don't have to put up with the banging of the door. Doesn't it seem weird that 364 days of the year children should not talk to, or take candy from, strangers, but on this one day, if you dress like someone else, it's okay? I didn't used to be like this. I used to look forward to scaring the crap out of the little hooligans that came to my door. I used to look forward to the parties. But last night, we went out for a little dinner and a few drinks, and I was bothered by all the costumed buffoons. I liked it better when it was scary, not “cute.” I also think it should be the last Saturday in October. Since it's lost all of it's original meaning, what does it matter if it's on the 31^st?

Costuming during the week seems dumb. You have to hurry and rush after work. Even as a kid, I always wanted the next day off. It just seems more appropriate to have it be on a weekend. I guess maybe it could be Friday, so the kids could wear their costumes to school. But then you have the whole rushing around thing to contend with. I'm sticking with Saturday. Most adult themed parties are being held the last weekend anyway, which feels weird wearing a costume on the 26^th. I think the unofficial Halloween is already rearing it's head. Hopefully it will change, then I might get rejuvenated on the whole idea. But as for now, I know my feelings have changed. As I've stated before, I'm not sure if this is just a symptom of aging. Now I have all of this leftover candy, which will probably still be here next Halloween. It's also kind of strange because for most of my life, this “holiday” kind of marked the beginning of the Holiday Season. I'm a fan of the Holiday Season. It's starting to get cooler, people are bundling up, a little. I've always looked forward to the time off, and all of the delicious food. I've always looked forward to the time with family and friends. But this will be my first endeavor with the Holiday Season working at a retail store. Apparently when you work in a retail store, the Holiday Season means the exact opposite of what it usually means. In retail, you apparently work twice as hard with no time off, and spend the majority of your time with unpleasant strangers.

This is going to be quite the learning experience for me this year. But, I suppose this is what I'm supposed to be learning right now. Retail is interesting by itself. I certainly wouldn't want to make a career out of it, but I am glad to be having this experience. I've said it before, and I'll probably say it again, you can really learn a lot about yourself, and your fellow human beings, by working in retail. People seem to act the exact opposite of what I would expect. Instead of being nice, to get better service, they act rude and complain, as if I, the lowly employee, have any control over what the price is. Plus when I go to a store, I try to get in and out as quick as I can. If a sales associate can help me do that, then bring on the sales associate! Most of the time I can't find anyone willing to help. As if my desperation somehow sends out a beacon not to help me. I thought I was going to be good at customer service, because I know how I would like to be treated. Apparently, as I'm sure you're aware of by now, I am not like other people. People come into the store actually, in a way, refusing service. They would rather wander aimlessly around a pile of shoes, than to have someone who knows what they're doing help them. That doesn't make any sense to me. Who wants to spend extra time in a store? And where did any of these people get the idea that talking down to a person was helpful? Plus if I wasn't even worthy of being talked to as a peer, how is it that I could do something about the price or variety? Fun!

Daughn